Fear Street Sagas: Circle of Fire, or “The Craft, circa 18-something”

Prologue

Emma Fier Reade hides her secret magic evil spellbook in 1745 in her attic, then dies of unknown causes. That’s pretty much all that happens here.

Sometime Later, Presumably Like 100 Years Maybe

So, thanks ghost writer for not actually putting in any dates. I like knowing exactly when these sagas supposedly happened, not being forced to make educated guesses. Because, let’s be honest, not a whole lot of education went into that guess. If they did put the date in there somewhere, hidden by all that insightful text, and you think to yourself “L. K. was just way too lazy to actually find the date”, well, guilty as charged.

Mia Saxton is late – once again – at Miss Pemberthy’s School for Young Ladies. This school is located in an old estate, maybe where a wealthy (yet evil) family once inhabited. Her classmates go all mean-girls on Mia, sniggering about how she was born on a farm. Chief mean girl is Alicia Bainbridge, who seems to me to be a know-it-all bitch, but she is rich and back in the 19th century people used to equate popularity with wealth. Thank goodness that never happens anymore. Mia has no friends and feels awkward and overgrown and hates Miss Pemberthy’s. Even her roommate Clara, arguably even less popular than her because she’s dumb and fat, won’t speak to her. Although Clara never speaks to anyone because she’s too shy, so she hardly counts.

Until one day Mia has had enough of Alicia and stands up to her for Clara. Clara shyly asks whether she wants to be friends. Aww, how sweet. They eat lunches together, and adopt a stray cat they find. Mia is happy everything seems to be turning around for her.

One night, Mia spots a group of girls heading out to the barn at night, a group of cool girls who hold themselves aloof of Alicia and her bitchy clique. Mia’s curiosity is piqued, so she head out into the winter storm to spy on them. She discovers that they are practising magic spells. The chanting makes Mia all hot and tingly. Hmm. Magic sounds like fun. When the girls stop chanting, Mia falls over and is discovered.

There are four girls there – Phoebe, Irene, Anabel, and their leader Joanne. The girls are about to mean-girl beat Mia up, until all the candles point in her direction, and a piece of metal levitates and points at her. The girls are terrified/delighted, because they had never made actual real magic happen before. They decide the magic chose Mia, and that was good enough for them. Mia joins their little coven, and swears on evil magic she won’t tell anyone about it. They show her the spellbook they found in the attic of Miss Pemberthy’s. Mia is repulsed by it, but it also makes her hot and tingly again, so she goes with it.

As they sneak back into the estate, they find Miss Pemberthy herself waiting with snotty Alicia, who had totally tattled on them. Tell me why anyone would enjoy being around this bitch. The girls are put on kitchen duty for the next two days, which is pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen. The girls are pretty mad at Alicia, until she informs them that she can do whatever she wants because her father is the richest man in the state, and then they’re cool with her. Oh, no wait, they’re not. They vow revenge. Mia goes up to her room, where poor pathetic Clara is eagerly waiting for her. She tells Clara she can’t know where she went, or why she has a new group of friends. This puts a significant wedge in their friendship.

The next night the girls meet at the barn again, to try a spell they have chosen at random, since none of them know the language the chants are written in. They chant, Mia gets all flushed and excited again, and they make a field mouse dance for them in the middle of their weird circle. They think this is awesome, until the mouse plops down dead. Mia’s ready to call things quits, until the mouse jumps back up and scurries away, so everyone assumes no harm was done. They try another spell, near the back of the book. Mia finds she knows the chant without looking at the lines, and this one gives her the heeby-jeebies. She stops them in the nick of time, as she realized they were summoning something very dark, and very dangerous. The girls all think she’s ridiculous, as they hadn’t noticed anything happening, but when they leave the barn all the trees nearby had been gouged by some very large claws, and they are pretty thankful they didn’t get to know what caused those. Mia has concerns about continuing their little game.

The next day Mia loses her temper at Alicia, who is picking on Clara once again. While working in the kitchen, the girls decide to try a spell on Alicia, the one to make her dance. They chant until they hear screaming coming from the classroom. Alicia is hellbent on jumping and twirling, as everyone else laughs and the teachers yell at her to stop. Alicia is clearly terrified, and Mia feels pity for her and stops the spell. She realizes that some of the symbols from the spellbook at marked on her skin, like tattoos, and that she needs to stop. However, none of the other girls are marked, but they are getting off on this new power they’ve found. They’re in no rush to stop the coven, or their spells.

Miss Pemberthy tells the girls the story of the estate they were staying in. It was built by one Jacob Reade, who had come there from Salem, Massachusetts. Some people said that his wife practiced dark magic, but that of course was ridiculous. Alicia starts to look suspicious, like she’s catching on to what’s happening, but then she sees a spider and shrieks like a little girl. Mia tells the girls she thinks Alicia might tell on their magic-practicing ways.

The coven is getting better at calling spells, although it’s always Mia that seems to make these things happen. One night they try a new spell, and Mia feels an overwhelming sense of wrongness with what they did, although they aren’t sure what actually happened. She’s compelled to walk outside, where there is a dark moving mass in the midst of the snow. Spiders, hundreds of them, roiling over a person – the body of Alicia. Mia nearly faints, as she realizes they had Alicia killed, without knowing exactly what they were doing. Ugh, death by spiders. I think I have a new worst death ever.

All the girls promise to never tell what actually happened to Alicia. As far as anyone could see, it was a random mugging by spiders. The other girls agree the Alicia really got what she deserved, so they weren’t going to feel bad about it. Mia is horrified, and tells them she will never do another spell. The mean-girls turn into mean-witches, and tell her she’ll be sorry ... and to watch out for spiders.

Alicia’s coffin is set up in the front parlour, surrounded by roses, and Mia goes to apologize to her (body). As she does so, the roses start attacking her, wrapping her up in their vines and pricking her with their thorns. The roses start to drink her blood, as she gets more and more feeble against the floral assault. She just escapes, and is found by Clara. Mia thinks Clara is so sweet, and a true friend, not at all like the girls who tried to kill her with roses.

That night Mia feels the pull of evil magic, and knows the girls are trying another spell out on her. She has to know what it is, so she creeps out to the barn to find out. Another girl has taken her place, so there are five of them again. She feels they are calling something evil. As she tries to escape, a wave of snow crashes over her, then another. She is being drowned in a sea of snow. Every time she digs herself out of her snowy grave, a fresh layer covers her. Mia gets mad, and is able to fight the snow off, and makes a dash for Miss Pemberthy’s. She thinks she’s safe once she’s inside, but she comes face to face with the girls, her former friends, all burning with hatred. She realizes the power and magic had turned them evil.

The girls start chanting, and the kitchen comes alive, with cutlery and appliances attacking Mia. This totally reminds me of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, except obviously in that movie the appliances were the good guys. Mia screams, and fire shoots from her hands, stopping everything. Magic flows through her, and she has command of everything around her. One of the girls is wrapped up by a big rug, others are pinned down by kitchen chairs. The mean girls are all of a sudden not so scary anymore. Mia takes the spell book from Joanne, and destroys it with her fire. She blacks out from the effort, but when she wakes up, Joanne has gone insane, laughing hysterically, unable to recognize anything.

The five girls are taken away from Miss Pemberthy’s by their parents. Mia is relieved the nightmare is over, and wants to start afresh. A week afterwards, though, she hears chanting in the house, coming from the attic. She must know who it is, and creeps upstairs. The wooden floor stretches and becomes a face that whispers her name, then belches graveyard rot onto her. As she tries to escape the floor liquefies beneath her, trapping her legs. Someone approaches her – Clara!

Poor, insignificant Clara. She had become magic at the same time as Mia, called by the spellbook, and had been making all the horrible things happen. The others were just little girls, playing with powers too great for them. Clara would now make Mia pay, for choosing the others over her. She calls the shadows against Mia, to kill her. Well, Mia, being magic too, fights back against the shadows with her fire. The shadows turn on Clara, wrapping her up and wringing her out, before disappearing with her.

Mia leaves Miss Pemberthy’s after that, deciding she’s had entirely enough of a young woman’s education at that place. She vows to never use the power she has again ... unless she has to.

Call Waiting, or “Unbalanced Teenaged Stalkers Learn A Thing or Two About Life”

Karen and Micah are on a stakeout, stalking Karen’s boyfriend Ethan. Yup, she’s stalking her own boyfriend. She’s obsessed with him, convinced that he is out with someone else, because he told her he had to work the night shift. Micah is convinced her best friend is nutters. They are freezing in the winter night since they would run out of gas if they leave the car running. Oh, to be seventeen again. Ethan comes home a half hour before his work shift should have been, and Karen takes this as proof that he’s cheating. She drives like a lunatic on icy roads, and gets into a (minor) accident. I believe this chapter is to best capture how psycho our heroine of the story truly is.

Ethan comes over the next day. Karen questions (sneakily) where he was the night before, and he answers at work, but unfortunately for him, Ethan’s friend Jake pops in right behind him to hand him his wallet THAT HE LEFT AT HIS PLACE LAST NIGHT. Karen reels with the knowledge that Ethan is both cheating on her, and lying about it. Ethan wants to talk about something serious with Karen, and she knows he’s about to break up with her ... but they are interrupted by Karen’s prankster older brother, so they don’t have that talk, yet. Karen threatens to kill that bitch Wendy Talbot, who she thinks Ethan is seeing behind her back, further proving her mental stability to us all.

Karen’s cousin Adam recently moved to their town, so Karen shows up at school early to show him around. While wandering the school, Karen spies Ethan and Wendy talking together, and goes into a blind rage. She manages to wait until lunchtime, when she goes to confront Wendy. They have words at the top of a stairwell, and all of a sudden Wendy finds herself at the bottom of the stairwell, with head injuries. Karen does exactly what any innocent person would do, and runs away. She was so angry she can’t remember exactly what had happened at the stairwell. Interesting side note: Karen is wearing blue Doc Martens. These little details are not lost on me, R. L.

Karen leaves school for the day, and gets home to find her mother waiting for her. Micah had called her to let her know what went down at school, because she was really worried about her. What is this: a responsible friend? I’ve never seen anything like it before. Karen responds well, in that she feels completely betrayed and freaks out on Micah, telling her they’ll never be friends again. To make the day even better, Ethan shows up and breaks up with her. Karen LOSES IT. Ethan gets the hell away from her (reasonably, in this case), then calls her from a safe distance to see how she is doing a half hour into the break up. Karen is doing surprisingly much better, she’s calm and apologizes for her previous behaviour ... until the call comes.

A call comes in on call waiting, so she switches over to get it. When she comes back on the line, she’s all breathy and frightened – whoever was on the other line threatened to hurt her! Ya, right, typical teenage drama. While her story is so flimsy it should be wearing a bra, Ethan eats it up and comes rushing to her side to protect the poor damsel in distress. They decide it was probably a joke, and they shouldn’t get the police involved.

And so the Ethan-Karen romance continues. Every time he tries to distance himself from her, like clockwork a threatening call would come in. Ethan wanders around like he’s suffocating, clearly not enjoying his time with crazy. Meanwhile Micah is trying to restore their friendship, but Karen will have none of it. She actually runs away from her, because that is how mature people handle awkward situations. She promptly runs into Wendy, holding a gun! Karen assumes Wendy is going to kill her, until she’s reminded that Wendy’s the propmaster for the school’s production of Guys and Dolls. Wendy also has some timely advice for Karen – not everything is all about her. And also, although she knows she didn’t push her down the stairs, Karen was a bitch for running away and not helping her. I like Wendy.

Karen goes that night to see Ethan at his work, like the stalker that she is, only to be told he quit two weeks ago. Not only is Karen a stalker, she’s a shitty stalker. She calls Ethan to demand an explanation, and guess what? The call waiting stalker calls her at that very time. She pleads with him to come over, which he refuses, but he does agree to take her out on Saturday night.

Saturday rolls around, and Karen is primping for her date, not yet ready. Ethan comes over and is talking to her brother, mentions the threatening call waiting calls Karen has been getting. Big brother is all “But we don’t have call waiting.” Dun dun DUN! Karen’s shallow excuse for keeping her dying relationship going is exposed. She fesses up when confronted by Ethan, her mom, and her brother, admitting to making the calls up in order to keep Ethan with her. They all are pretty convinced she’s unstable, and her mom makes her see a shrink to talk about it, but Ethan STILL TAKES HER OUT THAT NIGHT. Being handed solid evidence your boyfriend/girlfriend is so wtf crazy they make up threatening calls to keep you with them is a fully legitimate reason to break a date, but Ethan is kind of okay with it. What does that say about Ethan?

Two weeks later, Ethan is uncomfortably over at Karen’s. Her mom thanks him for spending so much time with Karen, like he’s doing her a favour. As he heads up to Karen’s room, Karen gets a call: Karen, this is your imagination calling. I’m inside your brain. I’m going to kill you. I’m really going to kill you. I love how Karen’s imagination had to specify where it is, inside her brain, as opposed to somewhere else. Ethan obvs doesn’t believe her when she tells him, and she’s not even sure of herself that much.

At school, people are treating her differently, like she’s a crazy person. They clearly got the memo, then. Even Ethan’s friend Jake gives her the cold shoulder, but Ethan is still spending everysingleminute with her. A girl comes to get her at lunch, saying there’s a call for her in the principal’s office. The call is the same voice, same imagination-going-to-kill-you threat. Karen starts to freak out, until the secretary tells her not to use the phone she’s holding, since it is out of order. Karen really freaks out.

Her cousin Adam sees her in the hallway, and offers to take her home because she’s pretty incoherent. Karen is really worried about her head-state, and speaks with her psychologist, which is pretty responsible too, and not really the actions of a crazy person. Which we find out she may not be, when the next day the secretary at the office tells her that the phone actually had been working yesterday. Vindication! Karen’s happy she’s not for reals crazy, but it also means she’s getting for reals threatening phone calls.

Ethan still won’t believe her. As she gets clingier, he clearly can’t stand to be around her, ditching her as much as possible. He’s just blown her off another night when she gets another phone call. She starts to cry, because she’s so alone and such a victim, when she hears a noise in the background and stops. SHE KNOWS WHO IT IS.

She dashes out to confront the caller, and drives to ... Micah’s house. She runs in and babbles out an accusation. Karen knew it was Micah because she heard the weird cuckoo clock of her father’s in the background, while Micah was threatening her with imagination-death. Micah turns evil mean girl, and says she did it all for Ethan. Ethan was going to leave Karen not for Wendy, but for Micah, but then decided against it when Karen got all the poor-me threatening phone calls. Micah figured Karen was already mentally unstable, so what was the difference if a few phone calls pushed her over the edge? Ethan would be hers!

Karen lunges for Micah, who strikes back with a hot poker from the fire. Wow, that was an escalation. Hot poker = automatic fight to the death. Micah’s about to brain Karen, when Ethan rushes in to stop her. Both girls immediately burst that the other was trying to kill them, and Ethan sides with ...

Karen! That’s pretty surprising. He was on the phone with Micah when Karen burst in, and she never hung up, so he heard Micah’s evil confession. Note to evildoers – don’t ever tell us your whole plan. It will come back to bite you in the ass. Ethan hadn’t stayed with Karen because he felt sorry for her, but because he cared about her. Awww, that’s so sweet. So he wasn’t feeling suffocated by the crazy so that he had to blow her off all the time. Apparently Ethan is just a bad boyfriend. Ethan and Karen leave hand in hand and live happily ever after.

Worst ending ever! Actually, worst plot line ever. I wish that Karen really had been crazy, that would have been the actual twist for me. I feel certain that this is a normal occasion at high school these days. A bunch of teen drama queens who are way too into themselves and have way too much time on their hands make up a bunch of crap to keep their partners on a leash, and fence with hot fire pokers. This happens all the freakin’ time, give me something a little more creative! 11 imagination death threats out of 68.

Fear Street Sagas: Children of Fear, or “By Nature Evil”

Prologue

We begin with Luke Fier, hero of the novel, trapped in a dark cellar with a tangle of snakes, who are all intent at killing him as soon as the candle he has burns out. Why is it that snakes are afraid of a little fire, do you think? I’m remembering Indiana Jones here, how snakes don’t slither into the torchlight, but is that really accurate? As a rattlesnake, I’m not sure the weak flicker of one candle would get between me and my dinner, but as a rattlesnake, I’d probably be awesome, so I’m not sure if that means anything. Anyways, Luke here is protected by the candlelight, and decides that he is going to write his life story on the wall while he waits to die, because someone needs to know the truth! He uses a rusty nail and his own blood. Since he’s about to be eaten by snakes, he has no fear of tetanus.

Western Pennsylvania, 1876

Luke is tilling his farm, as he contemplates his parent’s tragic death 6 months ago. The horses pulling their carriage went mad as they were driving along a ravine, and the carriage rolled over, killing everyone inside. This leaves Luke as a 16 year old farmer and sole provider for his younger siblings, Leah and Corey. Unfortunately, farming is not Luke’s forte, and they are thisclose to losing the farm. Luke is also anxious about Corey, as the little guy has been mute since their parents died. He and Leah constantly try to get him to speak, but he stubbornly refuses. Being the responsible guardian that he is, Luke takes them all to the county fair, where Leah enters into a horse race with a winning of $50, enough to save the farm!

Leah has a special talent with animals, a gift one could say, inherited from her father, and feels confident she can win this. So do the mean bullying brothers Thomas and Earl Wade, who at first won’t let her enter the race, because “yer a gurl.” She does enter, and is ready to kick some ass, when the Wade brothers (I’m sorry, they just sound dumb, don’t they) try to take her down. They keep grabbing her horse’s bridle as she rides, nearly causing her to fall. Then, all of a sudden, Thomas’ horse attacks Earl’s horse, and they all come tumbling down, except for sure-footed Leah, who goes on to win the race. Only everyone in town says she’s evil, and the mayor won’t give her the prize money. That’s one way to save a buck, I guess. Try using that one tomorrow at Starbucks: “I’m not going to give you this money because I’m pretty sure you’re evil.”

Well, it works for the poor Fier kids, who go home in defeat. Just then, Luke’s neighbour Jack comes riding in to warn Luke about a strange sickness that is affecting all the cows in the village. Apparently green slime comes out of the noses, then they go crazy and have to be put down. Like, mad cow? Luke’s cows are fine, but as they are checking on them, Jack sees Leah feeding a wolf and freaks out. I guess that’s valid. Leah checks over the cows and is confident that they will be fine, and she’s right. But it becomes a little suspicious when they are the only cows in town that are spared the illness.

It also doesn’t help her case when they go to the general store, and a huge poisonous snake is found in there. As all the townspeople flee, Leah just wraps the snake around her, saying she’ll release it out in the wilderness where it belongs. So, it doesn’t take long for an angry group of men to show up there in the dead of night to kill Luke’s cows, leaving a head on the porch (ooooh, early-times mafia!) Attached is a note: Our cows die – your cows die. Stop your sister. Or we will.

That week Luke gives out the last of his money to keep the farm. That night, a mob of villagers burn down their house, demanding Leah. The Fier children come choking out of the burning building to see all their animals slaughtered, and the men prepared to hang them all. This is definitely the correct way to deal with mad cow, let me tell you. As they converge on the three of them, all of the men’s horses flip out and run away, leaving them alone. The Fiers flee, taking refuge in the forest. A wolf brings Leah food to feed them. That’s actually a pretty handy gift to have.

The next morning, the Fiers happen across the orphan train. Well isn’t that convenient. The orphan train is a train that keeps poor parent-less children on board, stopping in towns to see if anyone wants to buy cheap labour (ahem!) I mean adopt them. Dear god, was this early Child Services? Jesus it sounds a little too much like a slave train to me, but the Fiers have nowhere else to go, so they hop aboard. Luke promises Leah and Corey that they will not be separated, no matter what. Once on the train, they are bullied by a group of boys, one of whom holds Corey over the side of the train. They are all attacked by bees. Leah finds this endlessly amusing, saying they deserved it.

Luke ponders his situation at night, and spots a beautiful girl his age. He gets up the nerve to go talk to her – her name is Mary, and is sweet but shy. They fall in love. Luke is happier on the orphan train then he has in a long time. They stop the next morning at the next town, and everyone gets off to be inspected, weighed, and potentially “adopted.” Leah dislikes being shown off like a hog at a fair (her words, not mine), and I have to agree with her. One of the bullies from the other day looks like he might be bought, when all of a sudden a good-natured dog goes berserk and rips his cheek off. Leah thinks this is brilliant, while Luke begins to wonder if Leah is using her powers for evil.

Leah attacks Luke that night for thinking she’s evil, throttling him while he’s asleep. Um, probably not helping your cause there, Leah. Luke is more convinced that Leah is unhinged, and he should be on the lookout for bees or wild dogs and such. Another bully steals Luke’s porridge the next morning, but it turns out to be full of leeches. Yeech! Nightmares about porridge for days now. Luke thinks that Leah had something to do with the leeches, that they were in fact intended for him.

The matron of the train demands Corey speak, or he’ll be removed from the train – take that, Child Services! Next thing you know, she is murdered by a murder of crows. Hmmm, the evidence is mounting. Luke is certain that Leah is evil, but still loves his sister and doesn’t know what to do. He goes to talk to Mary about it, but at that moment she is unfortunately bit by a black widow spider. Luke climbs to the roof of the train and heroically jumps to the engine car to get the engineer to stop as someone needs medical attention. Alas, too late! Mary dies. Her last words are “I saw the evil, Luke. You must kill ...”

Luke is certain Leah is the killer, but he doesn’t want to kill her. They get off the orphan train at the next town, ominously named “Last Chance.” They bury Mary, then go find work. They meet the Greens, a lovely child-less couple, who immediately take them in. Because it’s always that easy. They are mainly happy with the Greens, although Mrs. Green wants Leah to be a lady, and Leah isn’t very lady-like. She does play with wolves, after all. Mrs. Green gets fed up and threatens to send Leah away for being wilful. Leah runs to the barn, and because she is so upset, all the animals in the barn start to act strange, being so affected by her mood. Luke worries. He does this a lot, actually. Not a take-action kind of man.

Next morning, Luke and Corey go to feed the hogs, but they go insane. They break out of their pen and chase down Mrs. Green, trampling her to death. One can only assume they eat her body afterwards (I have a small fear of enormous hogs. Poll: What’s scarier: cats or pigs?) Luke can’t handle the guilt of what he knows, and tells Mr. Green everything, including his suspicions that Leah is behind his wife’s death. They decide to take Leah to the insane asylum, conveniently located down the street. Of course, Luke waits until they are in a horse-drawn carriage to tell Leah he’s locking her up, because he’s a moron. The horses go crazy and plunge through the plate glass of the general store. The store somehow catches fire (??). Luke manages to get himself and Corey out before the kerosene in the store explodes, but Leah is nowhere to be seen ... because she’s being hauled away into the insane asylum.

Luke tucks Corey into bed that night, promising him a better life, starting now. Well, maybe not now. Luke is awoken to Mr. Green’s scream, coming from the cellar. He creeps down there to find Mr. Green’s body, and innocent mute little Corey kissing and talking to a group of rattlesnakes.

I so knew that! I’m pretty sure I read this a long time ago, and pretty much the whole book my thought was, “It’s the kid, right? I’m sure it’s the kid.” Called it. Well, I guess it’s not really “calling it” so much as “read the book before and remembered how it ended.” Anyways, I should have known anyways, because mutes are kind of like mimes, and mimes are creepy.

So, apparently Corey also inherited a gift with animals, and would use it whenever people were mean to him, or to his beloved sister. And Luke had just been really mean to Leah. Corey locks Luke in the cellar with the rattlers, which is where we find him at the beginning of the book. The candle finally wears out, and the snakes are free to descend on Luke. Just then, Leah bursts into the cellar. Corey and Leah have an animal-off, as she tries to convince them to stop, and he tries to convince them to kill. Leah gets through to the snakes at the last second, reminding them they are creatures of nature, not of evil, and should not be used this way. Aw, that sounds like a nice message.

Corey screams that he hates them, and runs away. Luke and Leah are reunited. He’s wondering whether she got a bear or something to break her out, but apparently Leah just calmly explained to the doctors that she wasn’t crazy, she just had a gift with animals, so they let her go. Because that’s how it works in 19th century insane asylums. They decide to live in the Green’s house and take over the farm (despite never actually being adopted) and live pretty happily, despite Luke’s tragic tetanus (no, I made that up). But always waiting, wondering what will happen when Corey comes back ...

I remember liking this book when I was younger, and then secretly kind of liking it again now. Largely because I think being able to command animals is cool. However, I found the whole concept of the orphan train really disturbing. Did this really happen? And how is it that they can sell orphans like livestock, but a 13 year old girl can still talk her way out of a mental institute. It’s like no one was paying attention. Did you even try, ghost writer? An orphan train seems kind of gimmicky. I like that the creepy mute toddler was the bad guy, though. 13 candle-fearing rattlers out of 17.

Cat or "C-A-T Never Spells Murder. That's Just Silly."

I think the tagline of this Fear Street book really sums up the entirely of the book:

“C-A-T spells murder.”

Um, no. That makes no sense. But as you’ll see, this book is basically about cats, murder and nonsense. So, I guess we can give the tagline author a pat on the back?

My first reaction to the cover of Cat was that the girl was hot but also kinda old. Those cat eyes are giving her some major face-lift face. I also assumed by the cover that at some point, this covergirl (Kit) and the cat would change places/morph/body snatch. Swear to goodness! My first note about the book says “Hot  switch places?”

Cat is a unique Fear Street in that its main character is boy. Marty is a hotshot on the basketball team and has two best friends: Barry who is tall, with anger issues and Dwayne who is funny but chubby and always wearing Hawaiian shirts. How… unfortunate. Other important characters are Kit, the new hawt-ie that everyone is intimidated by, Gayle the bleeding-heart animal rights activist, and Riki, Gayle’s friend who is now stalking Marty after been dumped.

The book starts at basketball practice, where Gayle and Riki come to interview Marty for the school paper. They discuss the stray cat who recently began squatting under the bleachers and has been a menace to the basketball team ever since. Even though Marty is an All. Star. Athlete. he can never seem to catch the cat, who keeps running across the court during practices and games.

Pretty much just to prove his point, the cat gets tangled in Marty’s feet while he’s trying to do some basketball move, and Marty bangs up his knee. He’s super stressed about this because he’s in the running for a scholarship and can’t afford to miss any games. So obviously, he vows revenge on the cat.

Later that afternoon, he successfully gets it! The boys (who call themselves the Three Musketeers, by the way. UGH) are in the gym with Gayle and Riki when the cat scampers by and leads them on a chase. Marty actually catches it for once (with a bum knee? That cat wanted to be caught) but then loses his balance and has to drop the cat to save himself. “I thought cats always landed on their feet.” Except when their thrown from great heights, I guess. Anyways, the cat is dead, Dwayne and Barry are insensitive about it and Gayle freaks the fudge out and accuses Marty of killing it on purpose.

Gayle actually goes ape-shit about this cat killing business, although it seems pretty obvious that Marty dropped the cat to save himself, like a normal person would do. Gayle however tells the school that Marty is a cat killer and everyone is all judge-y. They end up taking Marty to Student Court! Which is totally awesome. Both Gayle and Marty tell their stories and the jury decides that while Marty did not kill the cat on purpose, he is guilty of animal cruelty and being a total jerk. Ha. Marty has to do 30 hours of community service at the animal shelter (cause I’m sure they’d want him). Can Student Courts do that? Impose punishments? Anyone have a Student Court at their high school?

Right after the “sentence” is read, Marty sees a cat under a chair in the room. It’s the same silver cat with diamond shaped black sploch on its face that Marty killed just the day before! Everyone kinda looks at Marty like he’s nuts and ignores him.

Everything seems to be going back to normal for Marty. Until he starts hearing cat noises… mewing and hissing. He even gets an obscene phone call! I was kinda hoping the person would meow at him. But it ends up being Riki, whose pissed off because she saw Marty talking to another girl. Marty reminds her that they only went on a few dates, and he is therefore NOT HER BOYFRIEND. She says some crazy things and Marty ends up telling her to get a life. Which she needed to hear, I think.

Marty has to start his community service the next night. His boss Carolyn is surprisingly nice to him, considering he’s there because he was cruel to animals. And of course she just leaves him alone there! As soon as Carolyn leaves the building, all the dogs and cats start to go nuts. Barking, hissing, heaving, drooling, the works. Marty gets Carolyn to come straight back, but of course when she gets there… they all mysteriously stop freaking out. Carolyn thinks Marty is crazy.

Things look up for Marty romantically though, as he and Kit flirt a little bit in the cafeteria and decide to go for ice cream later that day. When Marty walks her home though, he’s dismayed to find out she owns like a bizillion cats. Who all freak out when Marty comes inside the house. He makes a quick exit, which is probably exactly what I would do too. (Confession: I am totally terrified of cats. This book gave me the extreme heebie jeebies)

Marty’s walking home a little later, when he hears a little “mew”. He turns around to see a cat following him. Creepy. It gets even more terrifying when a bunch of the cat’s friends join up. Marty looks behind and see about 10 cats closing in on him. He decides to make a break for it and outrun the cats. “’They’re only cats’, I told myself. OR WERE THEY?” Subtle, R.L. Marty makes it to his front door, with cats scratching up his pants/shirt, but when he turns to face them, he sees that they’re… gone. OR WERE THEY EVER THERE??

The big game is the next night, and Marty has been given the OK to play! With his help, they win the game and have a “wild celebration in the locker room.” Hmmm. Marty has to go back to school after the game though, because he forgot his knapsack. He sees Gayle run out of the gym and wonders what she was doing there that late. Things take a turn for the worse when he stumbles across a body. A body wearing… a Hawaiian shirt! It’s Dwayne! He’s so slashed to hell, Marty can barely recognize him. A cat meows in the distance. (For real.)

Marty has the least intense confrontation with Gayle the next day. He doesn’t tell the police about seeing Gayle run out but needs to make sure she wasn’t involved. He goes to Gayle and asks her if she did it. She says no. He believes her. Case closed, Detective Marty!

At basketball practice, Marty and Barry make the decision with the team to continue to chase the championships without Dwayne. “In his honor!” Or so you can get your scholarship, Marty. After practice Marty walks in on Barry making out with Riki in the hallways. Two things about this: Obviously Riki is doing this to make Marty jealous. And further more, Barry’s friend was JUST MURDERED. COOL YOUR HORMONES. Jeez!

Marty has some more community service hours at the animal shelter. Carolyn again leaves him alone. Only this time, instead of the animals freaking out on Marty, someone (or something) mysterious, lets all the cats out of their cages! They start to slowly creep up and surround Marty. Marty does what any man would do: grabs a broom and swats ‘em!

Luckily, Carolyn comes in to find Marty batting the cats around. Whoops, did I say luckily? I meant unfortunately. That’s got to look bad! After being let off community service early, Marty goes to Barry’s house and walks in on Barry and Riki making out. Really, guys? Common, now!

Early the next morning, the police come to Marty’s house to tell them the bad news: Barry’s been murdered. All slashed up apparently. Actually, their words were “He was clawed to pieces.” Is that really appropriate to tell a loved one?? The officers ask Marty some questions, since you know, he was one of the last people to see Barry alive, AND he found Dwayne’s body. And killed that cat (what does the have to do with anything, copper?). Anyways, Marty’s all like “I didn’t kill anyone, I swear!” And the cops tell him that they know he’s innocent, they just have to ask. WHAT? How do they “know”? Did THEY kill his best friends?

Marty goes back to work at the animal shelter a few days later. Which I think is weird because he was busted ABUSING the animals, after been sent there for that SAME reason. Carolyn has no sense. Anyways, he’s sweeping up when the cats all start hissing. They know something’s up. And that something is… Kit! Yes, the girl that made an appearance for all of 2 chapters.

She tells him that it’s his turn to be punished. See, she’s … well, why don’t I let her explain it to you:

“I’m the cat, Marty,” she repeated. “You met my family – remember? The other cats in the house? Those are my brothers and sisters.” She raised a hand and clawed the air. “I’m a shape-shifter. I’m one of the last shape-shifters on earth. I shift between a girl and a cat. It’s so easy for me.” She took a step closer. “Why did you kill me, Marty?”

Right. So she’s the cat from under the bleachers… of course. I also don’t know why she’s so mad. She tells him that she has nine lives. So yeah, like one was wasted, that sucks. But is it really worth the murder of three boys? … Maybe.

The final fight scene is hilarious, though. Kit shrinks down into the cat, and then attacks Marty. And as far as I can tell, this cat has no special powers. So Marty is fighting… a regular house cat. She slashes his face and he drops to his knees and stares at her. Okayyy, not exactly the best plan.

Since Marty is so obviously out of his league in this fight, he does the only rational thing. He releases the disturbed dog that likes to kill everything, and I guess just hopes it kills the cat instead of him. Which is does. Marty’s lucky night!

The book ends with Marty playing in the basketball championships, and winning the game! But his moment of happiness is ruined when he looks under the bleachers and sees… Kit the Cat! She raises her blood smeared claws! Marty screams like a girl and wets his pants. Well, one of those things happens.

This book probably wasn’t scary for anyone else to read, but I hate cats so it was a little nervewracking for me. It was also strange how Kit was only in the book for a few pages. There were some other girls in the book as well, but I didnt’ mention them because after getting to the end of the book, I realized they had zero impact on the plot. So it was a weird book. Enjoyable, with possibly the worst (read: best) taglines ever. I give Cat 16 wrestling matches with house cats out of 23!

Cheerleaders: The Evil Lives!, or “It Just Won't Die”

Ready? Okay!

Roll Call!
Amanda: Captain of Shadyside cheer squad
Janine: Kinda chunky
Keesha: tiny, funny
Natalie: stuck up bitch
Victoria: energetic, boyfriend-less

Brandon: funny guy, goes with Janine
Andrew: personality-less, goes with Keesha
Luke: stuck up dick, goes with Natalie
Dustin: overly intense, goes with Amanda
Judd: adorable, Amanda wishes she went with him

There’s a new cheer squad at Shadyside, presumably because time has actually passed, and Corky Corcoran has moved on to become a coed at a state college somewhere. (To get caught up on the entire Cheerleaders saga, see The First Evil, The Second Evil, The Third Evil, The New Evil, and The Awakening Evil). The cheer girls all conveniently have boyfriends on the basketball team. Or maybe not so conveniently – Brandon and Luke are rivals on the team, which makes Natalie and Janine hate each other. Amanda contemplates how HARD it is to be captain, while contemplating Judd’s form and thinks how she needs to switch things up boy-wise for the New Year.

After practice, Amanda goes to the new locker she was assigned. At the back she finds an old duffel bag. The tag on the duffel say “Corky Corcoran” – omg, this is totally her legacy. It is filled with an old Shadyside cheer uniform, not the new ones they wear in modern 1998 (think, pompoms and short striped skirts), along with a picture of some old cheerleaders. There is also a small wooden box as well, labelled: DO NOT OPEN. EVIL INSIDE.

Pfft. Like that’s going to stop anyone. My first reaction would be to immediately open it, saying “Evil? Cool!” Amanda waits at least until she’s sitting at The Corner, the new cool place to hang out in Shadyside. Victoria feels exactly like me and opens the box. If you were expecting evil mist (I was) you are going to be disappointed, because all that is in the box is an old letter and some papers. The letter is from Corky, explaining the Evil, using the word approximately 8 dozen times, and then says all contents of the box must be destroyed.

Just then Amanda’s boyfriend shows up, and she goes outside to break up with him. He takes it pretty well, actually, considering he’s a boy from Shadyside. When she comes back, her friends are gone – as is the evil box.

That night, Amanda gets a call from the Evil – but actually it’s just Keesha. Apparently the contents of the box include instructions to call up the Evil. Way to go, Corky. Why the hell you’d leave that hanging around? Instead of slapping a warning label on it, why didn’t you just burn it yourself? Irresponsible idiot. The girls decide to raise the Evil for shits and giggles.

Once Amanda talks to her older sister, though, she has her doubts. Older sister went to school with Corky, and remembers all the gruesome deaths that surrounded her. Although, as a Shadyside High student, how could you keep track of them all? Anyways, there def was SOMETHING up with Corky Corcoran, and her shit should not be disturbed.

Amanda goes to the cheer meeting determined to destroy the box. She is accosted along the way by Dustin, who tells her he doesn’t agree with them breaking up. Ummm ... I am not an expert, but I’m not sure that’s how relationships work. I don’t think you need to come to a mutually satisfying ending, but Dustin is looking for some satisfaction. Amanda runs away from her creepy ex.

She gets to the cheer meeting, to see candles everywhere, everything set up to invoke the spirit of evil. No wonder cheerleaders have such a bad reputation – they seem to embrace evil pretty easily. Amanda warns them all against it, but then agrees to do it. Sigh. Peer pressure raises its ugly head. Everyone lights candles and starts to chant.

At first nothing happens, then a bright flash of light, and all the lights go out. In walks Brandon and Judd, to everyone’s relief. Laughter all around about how they freaked themselves out, until Judd faints dead away. Oh, he’s fine. He’s just a bit of a fainter.

At the game on Friday night, cheerleaders are in top form. The only person who’s kind of off is Janine, because Luke was chosen over her boyfriend Brandon for a starting position. And by “off”, I mean crazy zombie-like, repeating Brandon will play over and over. Maybe something bad will happen? Like, Luke will go berserk, run into the bleachers, fall into them and have his scalp completely torn off. Because that’s exactly what happened.

Now, how the eff did that happen? How on earth can you crash into the bleachers with the force/torque to take off your scalp? Don’t think it’s possible. Luke tragically dies of his injuries. The girls start to question why this happened ... could it be Evil? Natalie is beside herself, and accuses Janine of being happy Luke’s gone – although Janine continues to be more “zombie” than “happy”. Amanda starts to wonder about Judd’s bizarre behaviour. He comes over to her place one night, and begins to kiss her passionately, but he just doesn’t feel RIGHT somehow. Lips weren’t hot and dry enough for you? Amanda assumes he’s possessed by evil.

Because this is Shadyside, they decide to hold a memorial basketball game a week after Luke’s death. Because it’s classy to do stuff like that. The cheer squad has a hell of a time getting the gloomy crowd into it, after the gruesome death that occurred in front of them just one week ago, but they manage to do it. Just as everyone’s getting into it, though, things take a turn for the worse. Natalie lands in the splits, then her arms fly up over her head and snap off at the elbows. Then her face splits apart as her skull cracks open. She, also, tragically dies of her injuries. Yikes, what a way to go. There’s no mention that this was a natural death, because come on. Everyone is convinced the Evil is back.

There is a general stampede out of the gymnasium, which I would be leading if I had witnessed that. Amanda notices that Janine continues to stare in a zombie-like trance, and wonders if she’s possessed. She gets pretty ancy when Janine shoves her into the locker room to confess ... that she’s terrified they really did raise some awful evil that’s killing them one by one. Sigh of relief from Amanda. They decide to visit Sarah Fear’s grave, to see if they can get any clues as to the Evil.

And clues they get when they go up to visit the Shadyside Cemetery AT NIGHT. First, they get a scare when Dustin stumbles on them because he’s an inept stalker. Then, they discover that Sarah Fear’s grave has been dug up, and the coffin lies empty. Dustin accidentally shoves Amanda into the coffin, because he is an extremely inept stalker.

Amanda is wrapped up in warm air, and is taken back in time, to the point when Sarah Fear and Jane Hardy decide to switch identities. Okay, yes this is weird, but it kind of reminds me of Harry Potter, and the Pensieve that lets him eavesdrop on things that happened in the past. Nobody can see or hear her. Jane would go in Sarah’s place to marry Thomas Fear in Shadyside, and Sarah would go in Jane’s place across the Atlantic to party in London. Things fade to black, and Amanda wakes up on board a sinking ship. Sarah Fear is on deck, shaking with fury that she is dying in Jane Hardy’s place. She’s so angry that as she dies her last thoughts are of bitter unfairness. She’s so angry that even as she dies, her anger lives on, causing the ocean to boil, and putrid green slime pour out of her corpse’s mouth. Presumably the angry green slime makes its way back to Shadyside.

Amanda comes to inside the coffin – it was all a dream. Or was it? She starts babbling about how this is actually Jane’s grave, since Sarah died in the Atlantic. Dustin gets creeped out and takes off. As Amanda points out, that’s one way to get rid of a stalker. She goes home after her creepy coffin experience, still wondering why it was dug up and empty.

Only to find a nasty surprise waiting for her at her house. A set of grave-muddy footprints walking right up to her window. Who, or what, is waiting for her? It’s the corpse of Sarah Fear! Oh, no, that was just a hallucination. But there is a muddy letter on her dresser:

You and your friends have awakened a great Evil. The Evil takes pleasure in killing. You are next, Amanda.

Cordially,

The Evil
Okay, I made that last part up. It was signed by Sarah Fear, but don’t you think mine would be better? Just as Amanda starts to freak out, Judd comes to her door. He is also remarkably covered in what looks like graveyard mud. He wants to talk about Natalie’s death, but Amanda is certain he’s possessed and tries to slam the door on his face. Of course he does what any Shadyside man would do, and grabs Amanda, forcing her into his car to talk. I’m convinced he’s not possessed, just a jackass. Amanda convinces him to drive her to Janine’s, but when they get there, Brandon and Janine are driving away. So they follow them … to Shadyside Cemetery. She runs towards them, standing at Sarah Fear’s grave, pleading for help from Judd, who is possessed. Unfortunately, Brandon’s eyes are all glowy and green, which is the first sign that someone is actually possessed. Oops, shoulda stayed with Judd. Brandon tries to kill them all, and an epic fight ensues. Judd is knocked out, but so is Brandon. Amanda tries to shove Brandon into the coffin, but has trouble shutting the lid.

Just then, a newcomer shows up. It is the corpse of Sarah Fear – or rather, Jane Hardy. She goes after Brandon/the Evil. Another epic fight ensues, between rotting corpse and Brandon/the Evil, that involves the flesh on Brandon’s face being stripped away. As they fight closer to the grave’s edge, Amanda dives at them, pushing them all into the grave.

She wakes up once more on the capsizing ship, except this time Brandon and Jane Hardy are there as well. Jane and Sarah struggle at the edge of the boat, Jane effectively yelling “Why won’t you die, bitch!” They both are tossed into the ocean, and Jane holds Sarah down as they both drown. Things fade to black.

Amanda wakes up in the hospital. Janine is there in the waiting room. She said her and Brandon were found unconscious in the cemetery, soaking wet. Janine has no memory of anything that happened – in fact, Luke and Natalie were fine. There was no Sarah Fear’s grave. So … did going back in time stop the Evil from ever existing? Does this mean that Corky and Bobbi Corcoran live long and happy lives? Well, we never really find out. Amanda goes to visit Brandon. He remembers everything, saying they saw them drown. Sarah and Jane can rest peacefully for ever after.

But Brandon and Amanda can’t rest … as their eyes glow green at each other. Sarah and Jane may have drowned, but the Evil didn’t …

That ending made my day. I was afraid it would be a lovey-dovey happily ever after thing, like nothing bad every happened to anyone (ahem, Christopher Pike and The Last Vampire, anyone?) But R. L. doesn’t play that way, the Evil will go on and on. This was an excellent final Super Chiller – gruesome deaths, random timetraveling flashbacks, and an ending that can leave everyone feeling kind of uneasy. 14 eternal evils out of 15.

The Snowman, or "Happily Ever After: Cinderella Meets R. L. Stine"

Okay, Fear Street fans, I have to apologize. It’s summer out (finally). Summer comes to my part of the world for very short periods of time, and it must be enjoyed to the fullest. As such, most of my free time is spent small patches of sun, preferably with a margarita close at hand, and somehow this picture does not always include a poorly written YA horror book from the 90s. Worse yet, when I do read these books, I’m in such a summer-y blissed out haze that I often find myself enjoying these books, really getting into them and missing the whole point of this snarky exercise. How else can I explain my reaction to the unfortunately titled and unfortunately unseasonal “The Snowman”? I thought I would hate it, but I found myself liking it. What can I say, I’m full of summer love. Forgive?

Heather lives with her evil uncle and aunt, ever since her parents died in a car accident when she was three, leaving her to her guardians. She keeps a plastic Bic lighter of her father’s as a memory of him. A lighter? You stay classy, Heather. Her parents also left her a considerable trust fund, which she is unable to touch as her uncle has control over her. Poor Heather, she’s basically just like Cinderella. She’s forced to work in a greasy diner to help pay for expenses around the house, and her schooling and such. Except unlike Cinderella, Heather has an extremely bad attitude. No singing birds are going to be helping this girl sew her ballgown; she has increasingly violent fantasies involving her Uncle James, and his dying. Uncle James isn’t totally evil, he just seems like an enormous prick who enjoys embarrassing, intimidating, and all around keeping Heather under his thumb. Her Aunt Belle is kinda nice, but timid and meek after years of being married to an overbearing asshole.

Life isn’t all bad for Poor Heather, she does have a nice boyfriend, Ben. But lately she’s been getting kind of bored with him, so when a tall handsome stranger walks into the diner, she gets all perked up. He has weird long white hair, and is more poor than Heather, or at the very least “forgot his wallet.” Heather starts to slip him plates of fries on the sly, and they hit it off. Before long, “Snowman”, which is what he calls himself, has asked her out. I don’t care how weirdly handsome you are, you do not go out with someone who willingly named themselves Snowman. It sounds likes he’s a hitman in a grade B movie, which might actually be closer to the point. Heather, however, accepts, because she likes to live on the wild side every once and awhile.

Heather breaks a date with Ben, and goes out with Snowman, having a predictable wonderful time. The only snafu was he couldn’t pay for the club, which was SOO embarrassing for him, so Heather had to pay. But then they kissed passionately, so all was well. While there was no detailed description of the kiss, I’m going to guess that Snowman’s lips were cold and wet, like melting snow. That seems about right. Heather’s all happy until she runs into Ben at school, who’s all pissed off at her because she’s been two-timing him. He found out about this because Uncle James told him. Heather is furious at her uncle, but Ben is a bit, that’s not really the point. He breaks up with her. Heather then calls him to get him to take her back, which he agrees too, until, in a moment of startling honesty coming from a teenage girl, she tells him she wants to date Snowman too. Ben is not all about this, and hangs up on her, but I kinda liked her for having the balls to tell him how it really is.

Home life is getting no better, and for the first time Uncle James actually physically harms her, yanking her hard and causing her to hit a table hard. Heather’s absolute hatred of her uncle goes up a notch, as to the disturbing Death to Uncle fantasies she has. She makes another date with Snowman, who is behaving more and more mysterious. I mean, no phone number, he doesn’t seem to own a wallet, and while he said he just transferred to her school, no one has noticed a new student, let alone a gorgeous white haired student. Hmmm ... no matter, she’ll still meet him for a date in the park on a cold wintery night. They go to a clearing far in the woods, and make a snowman. Aww, how romantic. Then Snowman violently punches the head off the snowman, which is less romantic, more unstable.

Then Heather invites Snowman over to meet her uncle – reluctantly, because she doesn’t actually ever want anyone to meet her uncle. Uncle James is rude and offensive, and Snowman handles it pretty well, until he’s called a white-haired poor kid. That he doesn’t handle so well, and storms out of the house. Heather catches up to him, and he apologizes, but he’s dealing with other problems so he’s not as calm and collected as he usually is. He tells her his little brother needs an operation, and him mom can’t afford it. The operation costs two thousand dollars, and the little guy will die without it. Of course Heather offers to give him the money, but he is shocked and embarrassed and turns her down, but appreciates that she would think to do something like that. How sweet of him, he must be a really good guy. Heather trusts him completely.

But as a Cinderalla-esque trust fund baby, you gotta learn to not trust every sob story you hear. I mean, what is this mysterious operation for his brother that costs $2000? No idea. This should be sending her HUGE alarm warnings of possible scamming, but no. She trusts him. So when he shows up at her work the next day, and tells her his brother got worse, and needs the operation right away, she doesn’t blink before signing away her savings to him, with his name on the cheque. He says he’ll pay her back real soon as he puts the cheque in his pocket.

Heather is happy with the knowledge that she saved a young boy’s life with money, and is dating a nice new guy. Until approximately a few days later when Snowman shows up at her work again, delighted about something. He tells her with sparkling eyes that he dealt with her problem, and got rid of her uncle. Heather doesn’t believe him, doesn’t want to believe him. He tells her he used a soft scarf to strangle him so that no one will see the marks and think he had a heart attack. I suspect the medical factuality of that statement, but we’ll go with it. Snowman drives her to her house to see that, indeed, her uncle was dead, and the house was a mess of emergency personnel. As Heather stands by in shock, Snowman cares for her grieving aunt, all the while sending her mischievous looks. Psycho!

She gets him alone and tells him she’s calling the police on him. However, he has a plan for this. He kept the cheque she gave him, the cheque made out to him personally for $2000. Needless to say, there was no sick little brother. He tells her if she tattles, he’ll say she paid him to do it, and everyone would believe it because she always talked about how she wanted to kill her uncle. Okay, I’m not sure that a cheque can count as “evidence”, but Heather is sufficiently scared.

At the funeral, Heather contemplates her new life. She really did want her uncle dead, which is an uncharitable thought to be thinking at someone’s funeral, and her aunt has turned over the purse strings to Heather herself, so her money woes are over. She has also started to reconcile with Ben, as he forgives her and offers her his support. However, she is more than wary of Snowman, and how he’s ingratiating himself into her family, and wants him away. For good. Also, strange men in dark suits keep on asking her questions about him, and she’s worried if she gives him up, she’ll be implicated in her uncle’s death.

To make things worse, Snowman keeps on showing up every few days, demanding money to silence him. If she doesn’t pay, he’ll go to the police. If she does, he’ll go away forever. But here’s the thing – what does he really have over her? Her uncle’s death was ruled a heart attack (whatever), so there was no suspicion there. And if he goes to the police to tell them he was paid to kill a man, he’d really be turning himself in, and there’s no way Snowman’s going to do that. Heather’s just being intimidated at this point, and should really tell him where to stick that cheque. Of course she doesn’t. The first time she gives him another $2000, made out to cash.

Snowman does not go away as promised. Heather should know better than to believe a murderous scammer, but that’s her deal. He keeps on popping over for dinner, because Aunt Belle quite likes the polite young man. This next time he asks for $5000 in cash, and he’ll for real be gone and out of her life. Except, but “out of her life” he meant “renting the room over her aunt’s garage.” Heather is pretty desperate at this point, and confesses everything that happened to Ben. Ben gets all manly and tells her he’ll steal the cheque back from Snowman, essentially releasing Heather from the danger I don’t think she was ever in.

They sneak into Snowman’s room, which doesn’t go well because Ben’s head meets the business end of a tire jack. He goes down, and Snowman goes after Heather. He ties her up, puts her in his car, and drives her out to the clearing they made a snowman in that one time, then knocks her out. She wakes up unable to move, or breathe, and is horrified to discover she’s INSIDE a snowman that Snowman built around her. I have to admit, that kinda creeped me out. You would slowly suffocate, and no one would find your body until the next melt. And then slowly body parts would start to peek out, and wouldn’t it be horrifying to be the person who discovers that. But no worries. Heather has the lighter of her father’s that she’s carried in her pocket for 13 years. She gets it lit, and burns a hole in the snowman, giving her enough leverage to break the whole thing apart.

Saved! Except Snowman is still there, watching the whole thing. He comes after her with the soft scarf, but is interrupted when Heather sets his overcoat on fire. He really loses his cool then. Get it? Cool? Whatever. He goes up in flames, just as the police arrive. Ben survived his blow to the head, and directed them to the clearing. He has some confessing of his own to do ... he had followed Heather and Snowman that one time they went to the clearing before. Never has a girl been happier that her boyfriend is a stalker. The damning cheque was all burnt up in the impromptu fire, and the strange men asking questions about him were FBI, investigating him role in the death of his parents. Hint: He did it. Snowman is taken away, and all is well in the world, and Poor Heather is no longer so poor.

Is The Snowman a classic fairy tale done right? First Prince Charming turns out to be a homicidal lunatic, so Cinderella sets him on fire and ends up with Prince Charming number 2? I like it. Points to a Point Horror that has actual death in it, and for gruesome creativity with the built-inside-a-snowman death. That one gave me chills (tee hee, see what I did there?). 16 not-actually-that-damning cheques out of 21.

Dance of Death or "What Do Ravens, Mirrors and Dancing Have To Do With This Book? Nothing."

L.K. and I have differing views of the Saga series. While L.K. was unsure of the historical novels, she has grown to embrace, and yes, even love her Fear Street sagas. I on the other hand, remembered the historical Fear Streets with fond memories and couldn’t wait to dive into my pile.

My, how things have changed.

It has taken me foreverrrr to finish this latest saga, “Dance of Death”. I literally tried to lose the book “accidentally-on-purpose” just so I had an excuse to put the book away and never look at it again. Now, normally I will read the book and make notes throughout when the funny/ridiculous events happen. Then when I’m writing my snark, I’ll have my notes, but I’ll also have the book out, to make sure I don’t miss any important parts. However, I only have my notes with me, and I really don’t care if I miss any events. Even if I don’t remember them, I know they weren’t important. That being said, I present to you… “Dance of Death”

Hey guess what? There’s no dancing in this book. Like, at all. Apparently, R.L. got so lazy with his writing that he didn’t even bother to think about a title, just slapped whatever popped into his mind first on the cover. Being an author is easy!

So is being a cover-artist it seems. I already mentioned that there was no dancing involved in this book, so that’s points off. Both of the main characters have the wrong hair colour. The broken mirror was no mentioned in the book either. Also, there was no killer raven drooling blood. Was this cover supposed to be for a different book?

1793 Shadowbrooke, New York
Tobias, has escaped from his enemy, who is unknown to us right now. Tobias has been stabbed in the neck with a scalpel (preeeetty good clue as to who did it…) and is desperately trying to write down the secret to killing his enemy. Who is immortal? Maybe.

1873 Shadowbrooke, New York
Madeline, the sad yet beautiful, black-haired orphan has come to live with her cousins Mark and Deborah in Shadowbrooke. (Now these two characters live together and have the same last name but I couldn’t figure out if they were brother and sister or married. I always think that if I can’t tell whether people are related or married, it’s creepy no matter what. Hence my aversion of the White Stripes.) Anyways Madeline self-monologues about how NOT crazy she is, which is a sure sign that she’s nutters. On the way to Mark and Deborah’s house, the horse gets startled by a man on the road and the driver yells to Madeline to jump out of the carriage. Which she does, and then she proceeds to get tramped by the horse. Somehow, I think that situation could have been handled better… Note also that the driver didn’t jump, so I like to think it was just a cruel joke.

She’s knocked out, but thankfully a doctor lives in the house next door and comes to rescue you her. Or just hold her head creepily. She comes to and meets Dr. Justin Fear, who is blond haired and blue eyed “just like angels”. (Did you know they don’t let brunettes into heaven?) Madeline immediately falls in love with the doctor even though his hands are cold and clammy, like a snake’s (or Death’s). She mentions the man on the road and the driver says there wasn’t one. Is Madeline already showing her crazy?

The doctor takes Madeline to Deborah and Marks house. This chapter was boring, so I’ll just write what my notes said instead of recapping: “Judgemental  M & D are old. Molly-maid  Fear is EVIL! An “illness” that makes his touch unpleasant.”
So apparently I think old people are judgmental (they are) and I was suspicious of Justin’s so-called “illness”.

That night Madeline gets woken up by the man she saw startle the horses. He tries to attack her then runs away, so OF COURSE Madeline follows. What else is a crazy girl with head trauma to do? She follows him into a dead end and he disappears. But don’t worry, things don’t go back to normal. Instead a REALLY crazy old woman comes wandering up, looking for TOBIAS.

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This is Tobias, pre-scalpel-to-the-neck. He is Justin Fears best friend and they are working on the secret to eternal life. They live next door to each other, with a secret lab in the basements which connect to both houses. They may be in love, I’m not sure. Tobias isn’t exactly very confident since he’s terrified that his fiancé, Honoria will leave him for Justin Fear, even though she outwardly says she hates him and can’t wait for them to move away from Justin. Tobias has got some self esteem issues.

After weeks of working on a manuscript, Tobias has finally discovered that the key to immortality is BLOOD. Delicious!

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Deborah finds Madeline in the hallway with the nutso woman. Apparently, her name is Auntie and she came with the house. For Reals. It was in the agreement that they have to keep this old woman and let her live there. I hope they got a good deal on this house. Madeline actually thinks the same thing.

The next day, Madeline receives an invitation to visit Justin Fear at his house. Deborah gets her all dressed up in a nice white dress and sends her over. After Madeline and Justin exchanged a few passionate kisses (my word!) Justin gives her a rose. O, did I say gives her a rose? I meant, he mashes a rose into her hand so hard that the thorns cut her and she starts to bleed profusely. So, like any reasonable person, he starts to “greedily” drink her blood.

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This part was also boring so I’ll just give you my notes again. I personally, think it makes for a better story. “The secret is vampire? Justin offers to share Hormonia.” It envokes images of some sort of vampiric-threeway, which really would have spiced up this story

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Madeline is screaming at Justin for drinking all her blood, but he explains he “has to” because the rose was poisonous. (I’d be wondering why he gave it to her in the first place) Madeline also doesn’t like his excuse and beats it out of there. Once home, Deborah convinces Madeline that she was just flustered by the hot make-out action (Justin’s lips by the way, were “firm and demanding”). Deborah makes Madeline march right back over there and apologize.

She goes back to Fear Mansion to apologize for being mad about him sucking her blood, when she gets accosted by that darned man that keeps popping up everywhere! She notices for the first time however, that he’s floating about a foot off the ground, and is obviously a ghost. She runs away from him, but somehow falls into a giant hole. Justin again comes to rescue her. He “forgives” her for acting rudely when he was sucking her blood, and asks her to marry him.

Madeline is so excited and says yes. She tells herself that she’s sure he’s the one and that they’re not moving too fast. Even though they met yesterday and half and hour ago he drank your blood. DRANK YOUR BLOOD.

When Madeline tells Mark and Deborah the good news, they’re over the moon for her. Auntie isn’t too happy though, and warns her that Justin is a “soul thief”. Well, that’s ominous.

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Tobias and Justin are fighting over Honoria. According to Justin, you can only steal the soul of very beautiful girls. Honoria’s all “Deal with this then!” and slashes a huge cut down the side of her face. Justin’s all “Noooo!” which is hilarious. Then he stabs Tobias in the throat. Tobias knows he needs to write down Justin’s weakness before it’s too late.

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Justin and Madeline have an engagement party, although I have no idea who would go. Deborah and Mark? During dinner, Madeline goes upstairs to investigate her future husband. She finds a pitch black room, filled with four portraits of women, in wedding dresses, with Justin. Surprise, they’re all dead! (No polygamy here) There’s also a blank portrait with her name on it…

Madeline tells Mark and Deborah her fears at home that night. Her fear that Justin is trying to steal her soul because she’s sooooo beautiful. Mark and Deborah tell her tough titties, she’s getting married. I never really understood what they were getting out of this arrangement with Justin. Madeline is having a crisis. She knows that if she scars herself ala Honoria, she’ll be safe from Justin. But she’s just not sure it’s worth it! …Okay…
The “cousins” lock her in her room, but luckily, Madeline finds the secret passageway that leads to the shared basement from Tobias’ time.

She sees the ghost again, who was obviously the ghost of Tobias. Justin also bursts into the secret laboratory and he and Tobias wrestle. Which seems odd for a ghost to do. Finally, Justin “plunges his hands into Tobias” and Tobias disappears. Is that really how you kill a ghost? Punch it?

Justin goes to kill Madeline but bad-ass Auntie comes running out of nowhere and attacks him. Justin manages to throw off Auntie and tries to hypnotize Madeline to give him the knife. He promises that they’ll get married…! Madeline ain’t fallin’ for his shit anymore though, and proceeds to slash him across the eyes. Also bad-ass! Anyways, all the blood of his victims come pouring out and he dies. The tree roots come to life and kill Mark and Deborah. Then Auntie dies, but it’s okay because she’s reunited with Tobias. You see, Auntie was… Honoria! Didn’t see that one coming.

The book ends with Madeline starting a new life in a new town. A town called… Shadyside. Dun dun dunnnnnnn!

Yeah, I can’t stand these sagas anymore. I think, thankfully, I don’t have that many more left. I’m for sure doing a regular Fear Street for my next one. Dance of Death gets 12 un-read journals written by Tobias with a scalpel sticking out of his throat out of 43. Because, after all his effort, no one read his blood-soaked journal.