The Sitter or "A Lame, Long-winded Version of The Babysitter Series. With Sex."

Many apologies to our Shadyside Fans! It has taken me absolutely FOREVER to read this book. Apparently October is a crazy busy time for me. Who knew? I also blame The Sitter. This book was ridiculous, three times as long as a Fear Street and with itty bitty print. I swear, it was like R.L. was punishing me for all the things I’ve said about him in the past year. I said them out of love!

So yes, this book was about ANOTHER babysitter. WTF is up with R.L. and his love of torturing babysitters? You know this didn’t sit well with anyone who came over to look after little Matthew. But The Sitter is hugely different from Fear Street books, mostly because it’s pretty much an Adult book. Or a pretty racy YA book. R.L. not only mentions sex, but ORAL sex as well as having an almost gratuitous sex scene! Yewoza. I know. You’re picturing R.L. writing a sex scene, aren’t you? You perv.

The book centers around Ellie, a troubled young woman, looking for escape. From her shitty job, from her offensive ex-boyfriend, from her mother, etc. Her best friend Teresa gives her the idea to get a job in the Hamptons for the summer. While in town on a different job interview, Ellie runs into a woman named Abby, who immediately gives her a job as a nanny. No references or anything. Well. That seems …unusual.

She meets the kids, Brandon and Heather, pretty soon and moves into the Harper household. The husband, Chip, is consistently drunk and constantly hitting on Ellie. Great work environment. Also: a few months previously, Brandon, who is four years old, became mute. He pretty much just stares and nods creepily. Ellie thinks that luckily Heather, who is two, is very cute. Yeah. Except she’s TWO and two-year olds are never cute for long. Then they’re snotty and cry-y.

Remember how I mentioned Ellie was a troubled girl? Well we find out why. When Ellie was 17, she was in a car wreck with her high school boyfriend Will. While she made it out pretty unscathed, Will was killed. Ellie has spent the last seven years blaming herself for Will’s death. Except she wasn’t driving, so that seems pretty self-involved. Or, maybe that’s just how people react, I wouldn’t know, I rarely kill people.

Unsurprisingly, creepy stuff happens around the house, mostly centered around Brandon The Mute. He shows her his pet chick, but squeezes it to death in his hands. Which, okay, has probably happened before. But most kids don’t throw their heads back and laugh manically after doing so… Also, when Brandon and Heather are playing down at the beach with a big group of kids, Brandon The Mute STABS a wounded bird. That’s certainly traumatizing.


Ellie’s day doesn’t get much better when she gets sent flowers in the mail. O I know, flowers sound so lovely! Just the thing to pick up your day! Unfortunately for Ellie, these flowers were spray painted black and were full of COCKROACHES! (Sidenote: Blerg, I have only seen one cockroach in my life and it was SO GROSS. I was in Jamaica, and my instinct reaction was to stomp on it as hard as I could. Only after did I think “Well thank GOD I’m wearing shoes right now!” Lack of foresight.) Ellie seems to think that it might be a sick joke from her obnoxious ex-boyfriend, Clay. He still calls her all the time, trying to get back together. So obviously, he thought the Flowers of Death would do the trick!

Later that week, Ellie runs into an elderly woman, Mrs. Bricker, who was the nanny before Ellie. She warns her away from the family. Mrs. Bricker also forces Ellie to have tea with her and listen to her ghost stories about the Harper place. Basically, about a 150 years ago, this crazy old sailor build the Harper guest house out of materials stolen from coffins. That’s never a wise idea. The old sailor’s wife left him, and he began sleeping with the nanny, Ann-Marie who became like a mother to the sailor’s son, Jeremiah. Then Jeremiah caught Ann-Marie having an affair with good looking Italian (who was probably not old and crazy like the sailor). Jeremiah (who was four, BTW) decided to heave a whaling harpoon at the nanny and Italian while in flagrante, only it killed the Italian instead of Ann-Marie who he was aiming for. Oh and all this happened in the guest house made of coffins. Now Mrs. Bricker thinks that Brandon is possessed by the spirit of Jeremiah. You know, usually I call shenanigans on ghost stories, but that one might actually convince me. A house of COFFINS?

We find out a lil more about our poor Ellie. She meets a handsome fella named Jackson at the bar one night, but while out with him, she sees Will (her dead ex) and takes off after him. That’s kinda hard to explain to a date, dontcha think? It turns out that when Ellie and Will were in this horrible accident, Ellie had actually grabbed the wheel before they crashed. Well, now her guilt makes sense! She is totally responsible for Will’s death. Not just self-involved! Whew.

Even the high of meeting a new guy can’t keep our poor Ellie happy for long though. The next day is her birthday and she gets a cakebox in the mail! She thinks it’s from her mom, even though her mom is totally insufferable. Except… whoops, looks like someone sent Ellie the hand of Mrs. Bricker as a present! Let’s certainly hope that’s not from her mother.

Most unfortunate events happen to the Harpers and Ellie. Brandon tries to drown Heather in a lake (isn’t that how most siblings play?) and Ellie’s ex-bf, Clay, comes to the Hamptons to win her back. And by win her back, I mean shows up belligerently drunk. And get in a fight with new guy Jackson. And then tries to run Jackson and Ellie off the road with his SUV. He IS a catch!

The day after almost get driven off the road by Clay, Ellie actually sees him in town. He’s all “Hey! Sorry I was so drunk the other night, that was embarrassing!” After getting over the shock of how PSYCHO this guy is, Ellie loses her shiz on him. She yells at him about the flowers, and fighting Jackson and running them off the road and yes, she even suggests she cut off poor Mrs. Bricker’s hand! (BTW, Mrs. Bricker survived. Pretty badass, if I may say so.) Clay looks confused about everything. He also points to how his SUV is undamaged, and wasn’t even in town during the whole Ms. Bricker-hand debacle. So Clay is pretty much in the clear. Still crazy, but not hand-cut-off crazy.

Soon comes the final straw for Ellie. She had gotten her mom to send her Lucky, her childhood pet. She comes home one day, and sees the carrier on the doorstep. So excited, she opens it… and it’s only Lucky’s head. Someone decapitated the cat! (One pet murder – check!) Ellie slowly realizes the only person home that day was… Chip, the pervy father! She checks his SUV and yup, it’s all damaged, probably from attempting to run people off the road. She does some more sleuthing (which she or THE POLICE should have really done early) and notices that both the flowers, and the cakebox which had the hand were both sent to her by CHIP HARPER. So, she goes home to pack her bags right? Or just hops on the next bus outta there, right?

NOPE. First she confesses all to Abby, Chip’s wife. Abby is all “Aww, not again!” Say what?? Yeah, Chip isn’t taking his “meds”. Abby asks Ellie to stay a few more days, while she makes arraigments for Chip. You know. For the kids. Abby promises that she’ll protect Ellie. From the man that has already decapitated a cat and MAIMED A WOMAN! Of course Ellie agrees. Because she is an absolute fool.

She decides to compound her foolishness by bringing Jackson back to the GUEST HOUSE OF HORROR after a date and having sex with him there. REALLY? (FYI: this is also the oral sex scene. Bah!) Of course they get interrupted by the pitterpatter of little feet. Only then does Ellie decide it’s “creepy”. Ugh. Ellie deserves whatever is coming for her. When she goes to check on Brandon, it get’s creepier. He speaks for the first time in months. He says “I saw you.” and “Don’t call me Brandon. My name is Jeremiah” in a creepy, raspy voice. Yup, that seems about right. Oh and the next day, he doesn’t remember, or talk, but he does uncover a skeleton in the backyard! It was just a dog skeleton, but seriously, HOW is Ellie still there?? She can’t be doing it for the kids because they are UBER creepy!

That same day, Ellie is looking out the window when she sees someone who she thinks is Jackson. Then she thinks she sees Chip, running towards Jackson, and suddenly, Chip stabs Jackson! (And THAT is why you don’t hang around foolish girls). Ellie runs outside to save Jackson. Chip is already gone, and Jackson turns out to be…Clay. So while sad, not really that sad. Because Clay was still a crazy stalker.

Ellie looks around to find Chip (why) but instead finds a pretty big shock. Inside the guest house is: Will! Who survived the car accident, albeit with some pretty hideous scars and now lives in the Harper’s guest house? And carries some pretty big resentment against Ellie. I guess he blamed her for the crash too! Looks like Will and Abby are secret lovers, and Chip has no idea that Will has been living in the guest house for months. She asks if he’s been torturing her the past few months. He seems surprised, saying that he just wanted her out of his life forever. He wasn’t doing the crazy things. So that leaves…

Abby. Okay it gets confusing here. Abby comes in, taking credit for all the evil stuff that’s been happening to Ellie. Apparently, Abby and Will were high school sweethearts until Ellie came along and stole Will away from her. And to add insult to injury, Ellie didn’t even recognize Abby the whole time! So that pushed her a lil over the edge. Abby and Ellie start grappling, while Will watches, kinda confused. He said didn’t know anything about Abby’s plan, but you’d think he’d lend a hand. To either of them!

As they’re wrestling, creepy Brandon the Mute comes floating in the guest house, and picks up a whaling harpoon. Then he transforms into a creepy ginger kid (of course the evil kid is a Ging), who I’m guessing is Jeremiah. Brandon/Jeremiah heave the harpoon and spear Abby! Abby rolls off, injuried and the Ging kid turns back into Brandon. Who can suddenly talk normally and is very confused. Ellie asks Brandon to get help for his mommy, and Brandon tells Ellie that Abby isn’t his mommy, but his NANNY. WHAA?

So Chip finally comes around. (BTW, Abby stabbed Clay. So Ellie just has the WORST people recognition skills. Ever.) It comes out that he and Abby had an affair the year before and his wife Jenny caught them. Abby told him that Jenny had run off after catching them. Yeahhhh, that was a lie. Turns out, Jenny is buried right underneath that dog skeleton! So Abby’s been crazy for a while then?

Let’s recap. Abby and Will have been together since the crash. Abby becomes the Harper’s nanny, has an affair with Chip, kills his wife and convinces him to marry her. While she’s with Will. And this is ALL before she even saw Ellie. So when she saw Ellie, she immediately decided to hire and torture her. While Will lives secretly in the guest house?

Questions: Why would Abby kill Jenny the year before? She had no idea Ellie would be coming into their lives. Also: Why don’t Abby and Will just live happily ever after? I mean, I know it sucks that he has a scarred face. But people with scarred faces can have normal lives, they don’t need to live in creepy guest houses like a low-budget version of the Phantom of the Opera.

And why did R.L. feel the need to combine a good old fashioned revenge murderer plotline with a convoluted ghost plot line? I guess maybe since this was an “adult” book, he felt he needed it to be more confusing.

All in all, this book took FOREVER to read. I wasn’t a fan. And I also never want to read “And then, still holding each other, we were on the bed, and I lowered my lips down his body…” in another one of R.L.’s book again. EVER. You know where it goes from there. I give this book 12 poor decision to stick around out of 31. FAIL.

Heart of the Hunter or "A Lesbian Fear Street?! ... No... Not At All..."

Ahhh the Sagas. Can I just say that I am so glad that this is the last Saga I ever have to read? As someone who enjoys historical fiction, these are seriously killing me. FOR REAL. I’ve developed some sort of sniffle while reading this. I choose to think of it as an OMG-how-many-effing-sagas-did-R.L.-write cough. All in all, this book was kinda insane/great but I am DONE.

This one varies slightly from the formula because it’s told from the perspective of a boy, although his name IS Jamie. (Sidenote: For the first chapter I thought Jamie was a girl. And then I read about Jamie’s crush on Laura. And for the BRIEFIEST of moments, I thought R.L. had written a lesbian Fear Street. Then I came to my senses, since Fear Streets don’t even effing DRINK, they certainly don’t experiment with their sexuality. But how great would that have been!?) Heart of the Hunter though, is also about werewolves! Kinda! And Indians! (for our Canadian readers, let me just make it clear that Indian is apparently NOT an offensive word. Still. Aboriginals!) And pioneering! So really, I shouldn’t be complaining. At least it isn’t about Vampires (cough*L.K.*cough)

The cover depicts our hero’s second love interest, Whispering Wind. Which is funny, since she’s in like 6 chapters in the middle and then gets horrifically murdered. Maybe Fear Streets with icky boys on the cover don’t sell? P.S. I love her dress. And hair. I think I might have a crush on Whispering Wind…

The book starts with Jamie FIER and his parents on the road (in a caravan of covered wagons! I don’t know why that excites me…) to Kentucky in 1792. His mother desperately didn’t want to leave their home in … Eastern what-was-to-become-the-U.S. but Jamie’s father, John, made them, since they were starving. Jamie’s mother keeps saying they’re gonna die in Kentucky since the Fier’s are cursed! (So where does it matter that you live then?) On the road, Jamie voices-over his extreme lust for the beautiful Laura GOODE and how much he’s annoyed by her younger sister Amanda. Lucien Goode, their father, hates the Fier’s because they’re good at rationing, and therefore still have food and everyone else doesn’t. What’s the reasonable plan then? Well, Lucien wants to kill John and his family for the food, so John whips out his gun to protect his stuff… and predictably shoots his wife. Whoopsie!

So John and Jamie continue on the trail, sans mother/wife, while John slowly goes crazy. Eventually, their wagon breaks but no one will help them fix it or let them ride with them. The Fier men are abandoned. To add to their bad luck, John wanders into the woods that night and gets MURDERED by a wolf! (So… worse for John, still bad for Jamie). Not even eaten though, just cold-blooded murdered. Wolf ripped his throat out and left the delicious man-meat.

After Jamie discovers his poor, crazy father’s remnants, he’s promptly captured by some Native Americans. I give R.L. some props because the tribe, the Shawnee, actually did live in the area that is now Kentucky! I was almost expecting him to create a fictional tribe called the “Shawfear Streetnee”. Which would have been awesome. The warriors take him to see an elderly woman named “Whithering Woman”. Who hurriedly drinks his blood and proclaims him to be the “chosen one.” Wayyyy to give Aboriginals a bad name there, R.L. By “chosen one”, this means he’ll be the one that will find the buffalo herd, and save the tribe from starvation.

Except… he’s not really good at that. The next few chapters are about how Jamie gains acceptance into the tribe by competing in something called the Warrior’s Gauntlet. Where he needs to run through a group of them and avoid their tomahawks. Easy! He obviously passes and over the next few months becomes a member of their tribe. He also falls in love with Whispering Wind. But since she is all in love with the chief of their tribe (who wouldn’t be?) he doesn’t really stand a chance. Until the crazy old Whithering Woman offers him a solution.

She tells him that she has a way to make Whispering Wind fall madly in love with him. The price? HIS SOUL. He oddly agrees rather quickly… The solution also involves drinking blood (he wonders whose blood it is, but then decides it doesn’t matter. It ALWAYS matters whose blood it is!) and again, there are very few reservations. In a few moments he begins to transform…into a wolf! Whithering Woman tells him that now, as a wolf, he’ll be able to find the buffalo herd, and impressed Whispering Wind (seriously, that was the plan all along? Impress her with buffalo?) She also adds in the warning that he’ll only be a wolf on the full moon nights, but if his true love ever sees him in this form… he’ll be a wolf forever! Way to come through with the fine print after the deal is done there, Whispering Woman. Jerrrk.

Anyways, Jamie finds the buffalo, and thank GOD Whitering Woman’s plan worked, so Whispering Wind falls in love with him. They get married immediately (as you do) and live blissfully… until the next full moon. Where Whispering Wind follows him outside, sees his transformation, and goes to tell the tribe! Jamie is in such an animalistic rage (get it?) that he rips out her throat. Not soo funny. He doesn’t, however, stay a wolf. Whithering Woman laughs at him, saying that Whispering Wind wasn’t his true love, because there was magic involved (OBVS)!

Jamie pitches a fit and leaves the tribe. Over the next while, he lives off the land and slowly becomes more wolf-like after every full moon. Eventually he stumbles upon a familiar smell: Lucien Goode! He decides to take revenge for his parents, and for the shitty life he leads now (although I think its kinda his fault since he traded in his SOUL and all).

For a few months, he tortures Lucien by killing his animals and making sure his family starts to slowly starve. After Lucien posts a notice saying he’ll pay $500 in GOLD to anyone who can stop the wolf that’s been hunting on his property. Jamie goes to the Goode’s house, where Amanda remembers him (and still Luuuurves him) and Lucien and Laura don’t want him around. Jamie says he’ll kill the wolf for Lucien… but he wants one of his daughters for marriage instead of the gold.

So here’s Jamies plan. Make Amanda think he wants to marry her, because she has some school-girl crush on him. Kill some other wolf, tell Lucien it’s the wolf that stalking him, and then when he offers one of his daughters, Jamie will choose LAURA. Since Laura hates him, she will be miserable, and so will Amanda because she will be heartbroken. Then he’ll kill Lucien, and take all his money. And maybe kill Laura and Amanda, he really goes back and forth on that idea.

Jamie pretty much pulls this plan off! Kills wolf, marries Laura, and on their wedding night, kills Lucien. All good right? Except… when he investigates the house after murdering Lucien, he notices that Laura is DEAD too! She died after being poisoned by Amanda! Man, Amanda does not like lose hey? Amanda finds him, and confesses that she’ll always love him, even after what he did to her. Even though she killed her father. And she killed Laura. NUTTERS.

Jamie starts to panic since it’s the full moon (of COURSE it is) and he’s about to change into the wolf! If his TRUE love Amanda sees him, he’ll be a wolf forever! He charges out of the house… and into a cage. Apparently, Amanda knew all along that he was a werewolf since Whithering Woman used to be their housekeeper when she was little (random). Jamie changes into a wolf in front of Amanda, and knows that he is trapped like that forever. Amanda says that it may not be the way she imagined it, but at least they get to spend the rest of their lives together! Do you think she knows that wolves only live around 20 years?

And END OF SAGAS! Woot woot! Now that these are done, I’m really excited to start on the seniors and some of the other rando Fear Streets we’ve collected. Heart of the Hunters was pretty fun to read, to be honest, and who doesn’t love a good pioneering book? I give this book 35 wolf-murders out of 49. Not bad!

The Taste of Night, or “Undead Bar Stars”

I seem to be continuing on my vampire theme for the next little bit. The Taste of Night is the sequel to Dangerous Girls. Click here to catch up on what those naughty quasi-vampire twins have been up to lately. I just have to say that this book is NOT written chronologically, but builds suspense by giving away the ending first. Ooh, R. L., way to use the big guns in this one. Maybe it’s because it’s not a Fear Street, and he wanted to be a bit fancier with this.

July

Destiny is all sad that her sis, Livvy, chose to become a vampire, instead of being a good little girl like her. She is also sad that Livvy stole her boy of choice and made him a vampire too – how very rude of her. Her dad (Dr. Weller) has been working into the night to find a cure for vampirism, because he is (rather randomly, I think), the “Restorer”. However, he really wears two hats in the community, because he is also the chief vampire killer in town. Lately, Dr. Weller has been feeling that his two roles conflict with each other, and has decided to concentrate on only one of them – killing. The vampires in town have been getting out of control, and the good townspeople have decided to ambush them in their apartment building, the morning of the full moon. (Sidenote: everyone knows the vampires live in this one building? Why don’t they just go burn it down? C’mon guys, think!)

The morning after the full moon, the vampire hunters go into the building to stake all the sleeping vampires, instead of doing something sensible like torching it. Dr. Weller finds his other daughter, Livvy, asleep. He’s all sad about the sacrifices he has to make, but is determined to kill her to. He goes to kiss her goodbye, but she wakes up and throttles him.

One Month Earlier

Vampire Livvy is hanging with her vamp besties, Suzie and Monica, in their apartment. They are going out clubbing that night, and getting ready, like all girls do before they go out clubbing, only without the use of mirrors. It is the night of Livvy’s graduation, and she’s kind of spun about it, but she won’t admit it.

Meanwhile, earlier in the day, Destiny is being a mopey suck at graduation about staying in town to go to community college instead of going to Dartmouth. She feels she can’t leave her father and brother in the state that they are in. She goes home with her boyfriend, Ari. When they get to her place, they find all her walls are painted with images of black demons. Apparently, her little brother, Mikey, really lost it when Livvy became a vampire, and is convinced alternately that he is a demon, or is catatonically terrified of everything. Delightful little guy. D is convinced she needs to find Liv, to bring her home to provide some closure for her family.

Ari and her go out to a nightclub that night. Ari used to be a big fantasy nerd, but apparently finding out he was right about all that stuff snapped him out of it. Now he’s cool, and uses a fake ID to get beers. Destiny tries to have fun, but is still a huge Debbie downer. She’s so dull Ari gets drunk and leaves her to go have fun elsewhere – namely all over some cute redhead. D is now both mopey and pissed, and leaves the club.

Meanwhile, in same nightclub, Livvy realizes that Suzie has her vampire claws in Ari, and thinks it’s kind of funny. She is all over some hot college guy named Patrick. The vamp girls’ mantra is: The hotter the guy, the richer the blood. So, they are like total undead bar stars. Livvy decides that Patrick is too hot to die, and that Ross, her former lover she turned into a vampire, is history. She goes outside to wait for Patrick, and bumps directly into her twin.

D pleads with Liv to come home, while Liv tries to get her to fuck off. Eventually, she just goes to bite D, which gets through to her as she flees her undead twin. Patrick comes out then, and Livvy puts on her sexy face. They go to the woods and Liv goes for the bite – only to discover that Patrick is a vampire too. That must be a majorly embarrassing mistake for a vampire. Patrick tells Livvy he likes her, and he’s going to shake things up in town now. Liv is interested.

Destiny starts her new sad-girl job as a waitress, at a diner on the college campus. She gets even more depressing there. I really prefer her bad-girl twin. Seriously, D needs to lighten up. She goes to apologize to Ari after work, for being depressing I guess. She gets a pretty big shock, though, since Ari was found dead the night before, his body drained of blood. Destiny wonders whether it was her sister.

Two Weeks Later

There’s a new short order cook and the diner, Harrison, and he is HOT. He’s a sophomore at the college, and they immediately start seeing each other. Not everything is looking up, though, since Dr. Weller tells Destiny he’s going to kill all the vamps in town, including Livvy. D must do something, so she heads to the vampire apartment (that everyone knows about) and tries to warn Livvy. Instead, she runs into Ross. Ross is pretty depressing too. He hates being a vampire, and wishes he could see his family again, because he’s homesick. Awww. Destiny and Ross reminisce about the good old days – then she warns him that he and Livvy have to leave the apartment.

Livvy watches D leave, and is suspicious of what she was doing there. Actually, she thinks her twin is having an affair with her vampire boyfriend, until she goes to their room and finds his stake-riddled corpse (or, whatever it is that vampires have when they die). She’s pretty mad at D, and ready to go riddle her with stakes, until she runs into Patrick. They make out a bit, which is appropriate in the circumstances, I think. They plot revenge. Livvy spies on D, as a mouse in the diner. She gets lusty feelings for Harrison, and decides to turn him into a vampire to get back at her sister.

At a party at Harrison’s, Destiny is having an awesome time, thinking college won’t be so bad. Until Harrison is gone for awhile, coming back with the beer she had asked for, but hadn’t actually asked for. Dun dun DUN! Realizing Liv is at the party, she goes to talk to her, only to see a bat flying away. Livvy returns to her apartment, to find Patrick waiting for her. He tells her she will never be truly immortal until she can get rid of her human feelings. She must get over her love for her sister, and he has the perfect plan – he’ll turn Destiny into a vampire. So that he can have the hot twins to himself! I’m surprised that Livvy goes along with this plan, but he encourages her to go after Harrison, so she’s okay with sharing.

The next morning at the diner, Destiny meets a cute but intense TA from the college – named Patrick. He asks her out for Friday, and makes D feel all floaty and weird until she agrees that going out on Friday would be excellent. That same Friday night, Livvy goes out with Harrison, pretending she’s Destiny. She’s having more fun than Destiny, who has to break her date with Patrick because her brother’s babysitter cancelled. Patrick forces her to agree to go out on Sunday – the night of the full moon, the only night someone can become a vampire.

Saturday morning, Harrison comes skipping into work, raving about their awesome date last night. Destiny sees the pinpricks on his neck, and knows he saw her sister instead. It must sting a little that her sister got her boyfriend so worked up. I mean, she’s already stolen one guy from her, right? But there must be something to it – I suspect Livvy is way more fun to be around.

Saturday night, Livvy finds her friend Monica staked in her apartment. Patrick and Suzie are struggling, fighting to the death. Livvy watches in horror as he stakes her, for being weak like the rest of them. Liv immediately realizes that Patrick killed Ross all along. The plan to turn Destiny and Harrison is to test how bad she really is. If Livvy doesn’t go through with it, she’ll likely be the next to wake up with a stake in her heart.

The night of the full moon, Destiny stands Harrison up at the movies – he goes to her house to see what’s up. Meanwhile, Destiny is out with Patrick, dancing at the club. They decide to go on a romantic moonlit walk through the park. Patrick eagerly bites her, then reels back – it’s actually Livvy! She tries to stake him, but they struggle and he’s stronger than her. She transforms into a bat, then transforms back lightning quick to get the jump on him and stakes him.

On to Dr. Weller, killing vampires in the apartment. He sees Livvy, and goes to kiss her one last time, but she wakes up and grabs him. It’s actually Destiny – she took her twin’s place in order to save her life. Although, wouldn’t it have been better if neither of them had been in the apartment, so neither would have been in danger? No matter – the girls saved each other’s lives that night, because love is more powerful than death and vampirism.

The next night, Livvy comes as a blackbird to see Destiny. Mikey comes in to see her – Liv lies and tells him there’s no such thing as vampires, she just ran away from home. Destiny wants her to stay, but Livvy has had a taste of night, and can never go back. She flies away. Destiny and Harrison are reunited, with much explaining as to what happened. They live happily ever after, or at the very least hopefully a little less depressing.

Okay, I appreciate what R. L. did here, teasing us early with Livvy attacking Dr. Weller. I wouldn’t call it masterful, per say, but I like where he was going with it. Destiny is like the worst character ever, and would probably be much better off if she just loosened up a bit. Taste of Night did not live up to Dangerous Girls at all, I thought. I was kind of bored, and wanted the girls to get over themselves and do something interesting. Well, that’s a sequel for you – never as good as the real thing. I give this 23 richly-blooded hot guys out of 38.

One Last Kiss, or “Another Generic Vampire Love Story Have We Not Have Enough Of These Yet”

Let’s take a look to analyze this cover, shall we? I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume this book is about VAMPIRES. I’m comfortable with this assumption. What I can’t get over is what is going on with this girl’s teeth? Girl is probably Eleanor Rawlin, who (according to backflap) just wants an ordinary life but is pulled into a life of vengeance against all vampires. Has Eleanor been eating dirt? Why are her teeth all grey and nasty. She makes me kinda queasy, and her necklace does not go with her dress. I don’t like her.

Shadow Glen, Colony of Virginia, 1730

Poor Eleanor, life is very hard for her. Her mother was murdered by vampires when she was very young, she doesn’t even remember her. Now her and her father flee vampires, moving often, never long enough for Eleanor to make a friend. And her father makes her wear a necklace of garlic, to boot. To top it all off, Eleanor doesn’t even believe in vampires – she thinks her father was driven mad with grief after his wife’s murder, and now thinks monsters were behind it.

Shadow Glen is where Eleanor was born and her mother was killed. Eleanor has made a friend, Annie, and has been invited to a ball at the Fier Manor, so she’s pretty unhappy when her father forbids her to go, and tells her they have to move once again. Poor Cinderella, cries herself to sleep because she can’t go to the ball.

She is woken by a carriage pulling up to their house, and a strange man slipping into their garden. She sneaks into her father’s study to eavesdrop. The man tells her father he’s not safe, there’s no way he can take on the vampires. Eleanor is shocked this man believes in vampires and seems to hate them more than her father. The man sees Eleanor and their eyes lock. The handsome young stranger decides Eleanor is too pretty, the vampires will be after her for sure.

Eleanor scoffs at him, until strange man is introduced as Trevor Fier. Eleanor then hopes her invitation to his ball won’t be taken away. But, he thinks she’s cute, and they (obviously) fall in love. After Trevor leaves, her father warns her to stay the hell away from Trevor.

Eleanor intrigued that someone other than her father believes in vampires, so she reads the journal Trevor left behind, supposedly containing everything he knows about vampires in it – The Journal of Richard Fier, an ancestor of Trevor’s.

Wickham Village, Massachusetts Colony, 1624

Richard Fier has just become a vampire, and is writing about the experience. He met a beautiful woman last night, and she ate him up. It’s an age old story.
Eleanor wakes up, having fallen asleep over the journal. Her father comes in, shouts a bit, then tells her he’s inviting Trevor over for dinner. So Eleanor pops into town to pick up a turkey, where she runs into her friend Annie, an indentured servant from Ireland. Annie tells her she believes in vampires, and Eleanor does some more scoffing. Until she’s walking home at dusk, and the wind starts whispering her name. Actually, the “wind” calls out: Eleanor Rawlins, you cannot escape us. So, probs not the wind, Eleanor, just a heads up. Once again that night she sneaks into her father’s study to read more of Richard Fier’s journal:

Wickham Village, Massachusetts Colony, 1625

Richard finally gives in and feeds on another man. His beautiful vampire lady friend, Gwendolyn, serves up a terrified miller for him to snack on. But Richard refuses to take his life, and runs for it. He comes upon a wild board and drinks that instead. He cries at his fate, even if vampires have no tears to shed. Wah wah wah, whiny vampire.
Eleanor falls for it, feels she is falling in love with the sensitive vampire who refuses to eat humans. Swoon, how romantic … wait, have I read this somewhere else? Hmmm. Also, isn’t in convenient that she is falling in love with the man who wrote the journal, an immortal, while also feeling naughty feelings for this immortal’s “descendant” of 100 years later?

Trevor Fier comes to dinner and asks her to invite him in. Yup, Trevor is totally the vampire. Also, he won’t eat the dinner she prepared. Because he wants to snack at her neck, I’m gonna guess. Trevor and Eleanor’s father get to business about vampires. Dad wants to know how to kill them. He realizes his daughter is miserable, and just wants the vampires dead and be done with it so they can lead normal lives. Trevor says there is no way, that Eleanor will die if she stays in Shadow Glen, just like her mother, then storms out of the house.

Eleanor rushes out after Trevor, only to immediately get lost in mist. So, Eleanor is fairly useless. Someone grabs her, but it is only Trevor. He is all brooding and lonely, then starts making out with her, then runs away. Sigh, how romantic. No, wait, actually who would want a boyfriend like that? Eleanor goes home all hot and bothered, only to find her father had been staked and lies bleeding to death on the floor. His last word is “Trevor…”

Trevor runs into the room, and Eleanor assumes he killed her father – no more of this vampire crap. Somehow, within a page, Trevor convinces her vampires are real, they killed her father, that they had been after her since her mother died, and were waiting for her to grow up. Basically, she’s screwed. That’s a lot to take in in one page, but Eleanor does remarkably well. It only helps that Trevor spends the night to protect her (ooh la la!).

She’s woken the next day by the Reverend – Trevor took care of all the funeral arrangements for that afternoon. Only her friend Annie shows up for the funeral, and most of the town makes it clear they’re happy the crazy man is gone, suggesting it would be better for her if she were to disappear too. Pretty callous bunch in Shadow Glen. Also of note: Trevor does not show up for the daytime funeral he arranged.

That night a devastatingly beautiful woman breaks into Eleanor’s house. She’s Priscilla Fier, the hostess of the Fier ball. Priscilla brought Eleanor some food stuff to help her get by. In the middle of the night, like a normal person. Priscilla is very sweet, and insists that Eleanor, little pauper that she is, move to Fier Manor. Ooh, nothing’s going to go wrong THERE.

Eleanor moves in that night, to the palatial manor that is more like a prison. There’s tons of servants around, and Eleanor’s poor head is turned by all the luxury. Once settled in her room, she feels safe for the first time in the long time. She doesn’t wake up until mid-afternoon. Trevor is shut up in his study and can’t be disturbed until dusk. “Study” totes means “coffin.” She is given breakfast at dinnertime, which is really the best dinner ever anyways. Mmm, breakfast for dinner. She passes the time reading Richard’s diary.

Wickham Village, Massachusetts Colony, 1627

Richard is needing more and more blood, as Gwendolyn brings over more people to the darker side of night. Richard continues to kill only animals, although he is mocked for it. Richard tries to kill himself by staying out in the morning sunlight, but is too much of a pussy for that. So instead he gets up in the middle of the day and stakes Gwendolyn. Oops, I totally thought Gwendolyn was Priscilla now, guess I was wrong about that. Anyways, Richard is all torn up about murdering someone, vampire or not.
Eleanor is saddened by what she reads and runs to find Trevor in his study. She finds the room dark and empty, but she also finds a mysterious secret passageway behind the bookshelves. So cool, I’ve always wanted one of those. The hallway is narrow, dark, and covered with slime and foul odours. It leads underground the manor, to a small chamber with one coffin in it. Guesses as to who’s in it?

Poor little Eleanor is shocked, shocked, when Trevor wakes up in his coffin and pronounces he is actually Richard Fier. But we already knew that, so no surprises for the reader. Eleanor’s candle goes out, and she’s left in the darkness with a monstrous (but hot) vampire. Richard/Trevor gets all sexy with Eleanor’s neck, and asks her if she wants to join him … in immortality.

She freaks, and he jumps away, lighting a candle. He tells her he only got all sexy with her to prove he could hurt her – but never would. Oh, swoon. Who doesn’t want a potentially abusive boyfriend? Eleanor, walk the hell away. Of course Eleanor doesn’t walk away, but tells him he’s so sensitive and wonderful. I wonder if he sparkles? Eleanor then tells him she’s going to find her father’s murderer and kill them. Trevor lunges for her and starts shaking the hit out of her. Then he proclaims his love for her. Jesus, it didn’t take long for that abusive behaviour to start, did it? He tells her he didn’t kill her parents, and they make out for awhile.

They get back up to the study eventually, and Priscilla interrupts them. She realizes Trevor is in love with Eleanor, so they must marry immediately. Priscilla decides to throw them an engagement party. Eleanor’s kind of like – wait, what? I’m marrying a vampire? Oh, but I luuurve him, and he’s sooo wonderful, this will be fine!

At her engagement party, everyone comes dresses as a vampire, because they are “all the rage in Paris.” Priscilla claims she doesn’t believe in actual vampires, despite living with one. It’s all just a masque. The punch is blood-flavoured, which is nasty. Maybe that’s how her teeth got all stained and gross on the front cover. Eleanor is creeped out by everyone there, sensible girl. She goes outside to find Trevor, who confesses his eternal love, then goes to hunt. Eleanor goes into the hall, and stumbles over the body of a heartless man. As in, someone has removed his heart.

Trevor and Priscilla get really mad, demanding their vampire-obsessed guests to leave. I mean, don’t they know how rude it is to gore up the help? Trevor picks Eleanor up, claiming he’ll do anything to protect her, although admits it looks like the Fier Manor might have some security issues. She gets a little freaked by him, but he assures her he didn’t kill the man, and she would have to trust him. So she does, la la la. He brings her into the kitchen and leaves her again. Eleanor finds the heart roasting in the coals of the oven.

She finally flees the manor in the daylight to find her friend Annie. Unfortunately, she finds Annie under a bridge, frozen in the river, as a storm blows up. Trevor finds Eleanor as night falls, and gets them, and the corpse, to shelter, then heads out into the winter storm to get help – leaving Eleanor alone with Annie’s corpse. Not for long, though. Annie wakes up.

Annie the vampire tried to drink Eleanor’s blood, claiming immortality is awesome. Eleanor pushes her into the sunlight, and Annie finds immortality to be very quick indeed. The Fier’s driver comes to rescue Eleanor. She realizes she must see Trevor again, and goes down to his coffin room to visit his corpse. Only, the coffin is empty! Priscilla finds her there, and is all – what the fuck is this place? Getting over that pretty quick, Priscilla asks Eleanor to help fix the hem of her dress, but when they go to the mirror, Eleanor sees only her reflection.

Priscilla the vampire gets all seductive, and tries to turn Eleanor. She runs away, only to be grabbed by a massive bird who takes her to the roof. Only the bird is actually Trevor. Eleanor gets all mad at Trevor for bringing her close to another vampire, but then she learns the truth … Priscilla is her mother! Priscilla loved being a vampire, and was in charge of this whole operation. She had been waiting for her little girl to grow up to turn her. Trevor was the lucky vampire with the mission to turn her, but he fell in love with her instead. Priscilla is more powerful than him, and she joins them on the roof. She goes to drink Eleanor’s blood, but Eleanor fights her off and pushes her off the roof – to be staked on an iron stake. That just makes her kind of mad, and slows her down some.

Trevor wakes up, but is weak. He tells her to kill Priscilla, and takes her to her mother. His last message to her is: I have always hated what I became and I will always love you. They try to force Priscilla into the sunlight, but she manages to stake Trevor. Eleanor goes into mad rage and tackles her vampire mother, who tries to drink her blood again. Trevor gets up enough strength to take down Priscilla, as they both burn up in the morning sun. As Trevor’s flesh is burned away, he pulls Eleanor in for one last kiss. Hot.

Kind of a gag-worthy romance, wasn’t it? Eternal love, blah blah, I’ll die for you, blah blah. I kind of love that Priscilla was Eleanor’s mother, and was a bad ass vampire the whole time. And it was good that Trevor died in the end, big heroic sacrifice, these eternal love stories are always better with poignant endings, dontcha think? 10 flesh-decayed kisses out of 14.

The Babysitter IV or "Who Hates Sweaty Kids? R.L. Hates Sweaty Kids."

The Babysitter IV. Thank god it’s the last in this series! For those who need a refresher, I wrote about the Babysitter III allll the way back in November. For those of you too lazy to read the old recap I’ll give away the surprise ending: Jenny snapped. She went nuts and stole a baby. That’s about all that happened.

This installment of the Babysitter series is a little more random. As in, supernatural. Jenny gets out of the hospital after spending a full year there. (Shouldn’t she be like 20 by now? This is the fourth summer that crazy crap has happened to her!) Anyhoo, her new next door neighbour is a single mom with three kids and no shame in asking Jenny to babysit all the time with no advanced warning. I’d be telling this mom to EFF off, especially about babysitting. She babysits for the twins Sean and Seth and their younger sister Meredith. The kids are pretty cute, but soon mysterious stuff starts happening around the house. Some highlights: when trying to cut cake, Jenny’s hand with the knife tries to stab her heart out; when trying to wash dishes, Jenny’s hand tries to shove itself down the garburator! (recycling ideas much, R.L.?) Luckily, she has enough common sense to turn off the garburator with her non-Idle hand. She keeps being woken up in the middle of the night by howls (caused by dogs, you idiot) but she also sees a young girls face in the attic window of her neighbours house. Is the girl howling? Answer: no. When she tells anyone about her fears, and the fact she’s hearing voices inside the house, they all think she’s back to being nutters. To be fair, I would too. And then we find out that Ms. Next Door only has two kids! Jenny has made up one of the twins in her mind! Except the other kids interacted with him, sooo that can’t be right. Either way, Jenny’s mom is having her re-committed ASAP. Jenny knows something is up, and goes to investigate after Ms. Next Door takes her two real children away for the night. She finds Seth is still hanging out there, and that he’s a ghost. She goes to find out about the girl in the attic, and Seth tells her that she’s a ghost too, but she’s locked in the attic because she killed Seth while babysitting him! Jenny is all “Maybe, but I want to hear her admit it” and releases this other ghost girl. Long story short, Seth is the true evil ghost, and after wrestling with the babysitter ghost for a few minutes, they both go off to where ever the hell ghosts disappear too. I can only assume purgatory. Jenny is found amid the wreckage of the house by her mom and is all “It’s okay now Mom, I’m totally not crazy anymore!” and her mom agrees. WTF Mom? That’s just poor parenting. COMMIT YOUR KID.

Babysitter IV gets a little bit higher marks for a) being about ghost which is super cool and b) having another haunted GARBURATOR scene! So I’ll give it 13 hideous children out of 22. (This will make more sense in a minute)

Let’s talk awesome descriptions. Unfortunately, this book didn’t have as many sweet 90s references or denim nightmares. But it still had some pretty good character descriptions.

1. Meredith. This poor child. Let’s read exactly what R.L. wrote about her:

“She was five or six, plump, with a round face like her mother’s. She had curly, light brown hair tied back in a loose ponytail and tiny dark eyes close together around a pudgy stub of a nose.
Meredith wore a sleeveless yellow T-shirt and matching yellow shorts. Her sneakers were yellow, too.
She’s not very pretty, Jenny thought. Meredith had a red scratch across one chubby knee. She had a small Band-Aid on her chin. Beads of sweat glistened above her upper lip.”

Yikes! What else do you want to add in there, R.L.? She’s chubby, sweaty, pig-like. Does she also have sideburns? How about a rash somewhere, huh? Like, why does he have such a hate on for this poor character??

2. We find out that Jenny wears pink mid-drift tops and shorty-short cutoffs to hang around her house. Is she trying to turn tricks in her kitchen?
3. Apparently shorty-short cutoffs were all the rage back in 1995: Clair wears hers with an oversized white tee-shirt over a blue sleeveless T-shirt. R.L. would like you to know that the shorts emphasis her long, lean legs. Of course he does. Perv.

And those were the only good outfit descriptions! (Although, every time Jenny’s BF Cal is mention, it talks about how much he smells like gasoline.) Lame, I know. But you get to read about how much R.L. hates sweaty children. Yay!

Blind Date or "FISTS OF STEEL"

Here’s another Point Horror that I think you all will enjoy. Because it was totally ridiculous.

The book starts with our main character Kerry breaking another boy’s leg during football practice. He didn’t mean to, but that fact doesn’t stop his teammates from going crazy on him, accusing him of hurting their star player, Sal Murdoch. Even the coach gets in on the whole dumping all over Kerry party, and actually kicks him off the team because the other players are mad at him. What? Isn’t it kinda expected that people would get hurt during football? Isn’t that kinda the point of the game? Things get worse when good ol’ Sal goes into a coma. From a broken leg? Sure, why not.

Later when Kerry is moping around his room, we get a little more insight into his life. Apparently, he looks just like Ralph Macchio: The Karate Kid! I’m a little ashamed to say that I’ve never actually seen the Karate Kid, so I had to go look this kid up on Google.

So The Karate Kid is about a small child’s love affair with a much older Asian man? It seems weird that so many people enjoyed that movie…

Kerry also hates it when anyone talks about his older brother Donald. You see, there was a “tragedy” that happened last year, but Kerry can’t remember it. And his doctors think it’s a good idea that no one else tell him ‘til he remembers it on his own. Blind Date is the male version of The Face! Where did these doctors go to school?? Anyways, Kerry can’t remember anything from the previous year, and since he only has one friend, I guess it’s not a big deal to keep that year a secret.

In addition to his one friend Josh, Kerry has a younger brother Sean (who is 14 and has chips and beer for dinner. A Stine book with BEER in it? Almost unheard of!) and a father, who is awkward around him. Probably because of all the secret keeping. Kerry’s mother left the family soon after the “tragedy”. So that’s cold. No wonder Sean drinks BEER at 14! He’s in a non-nuclear family!

The night after he breaks ol’ Sals leg, he gets a mysterious phone call from his Blind Date. Apparently, she has the sexiest voice Kerry’s ever heard! But when you think that she’s 16 and probably still sounds like a child, that’s a lil’ creepy. She says that his friend Margo gave her his number since she’s moving to town and needs someone to show her around. So he asks her out for Saturday night (before asking for her NAME, might I add) and she says yes, rattles off her name and address and hangs up. He thinks her name might be Amanda. Real smooth.

The next night he gets another random call, but this one is a little less sexy. A pinchy, nasaly voice tells Kerry that “Sticks and stones can break YOUR bones!”, which is pretty creepy. Kerry just assumes that the prank caller is Sal’s girlfriend Sharon and shrugs it off. I guess back before there was caller ID people made a lot more prank/threatening phone calls?

On Saturday night, Kerry takes his dad’s sweet Mustang out to pick up maybe-Amanda. When he gets to her house, he’s a little surprised because its basically a hovel, and there are no lights on. It gets weirder when an old mysterious couple answers the door. When they hear that he’s there to pick up Amanda for their date, the couple freaks out and tells him that Amanda is dead. Then they seem to recognize him, and scream “Why did you come back here to torture us?!”. Well, that’s a little offputting. I would REALLY be wondering what I had been up to for the previous year that I can’t remember, but Kerry doesn’t seem that perturbed. He’s not even that annoyed when he gets home to another prank call with the disturbing children’s lyrics. Weirdo.

His blind date, Mandy, calls him on Sunday evening, asking him where he was. Turns out he mixed up both her name and address. She gives him another chance and they decide to meet at school on Monday before classes start. Kerry goes to shoot some hoops with Josh for the afternoon and ends up getting beat up by some of Sal’s friends who are pissed their friend is still in a coma. Not really an important chapter, but I’ll point out that Kerry had a fantasy about kicking their asses which included yelling “FISTS OF STEEL” while punching one of them. I REALLY want to get into a fight now, just so I can yell that while punching someone. Amazing.

Kerry has to meet up with Mandy while his face looks like garbage, which she kindly points out. She’s not what he expected: she’s all pale, blond and doll-like. Except she’s wearing dark lipstick (which in R.L.’s world = whore). They hang out and Kerry asks her to be his date for the upcoming dance. It just isn’t a 90s teen book until there’s a dance! Kerry’s feeling all good, until he opens his locker and the entire thing is covered in blood red paint. That’s kinda hard to explain to a new girl, hey?

The next day, Kerry wakes up to his Dad looking like he has some serious bad news: Donald has escaped. From where you ask? So does Kerry. You see, Kerry had forgotten what happened to his brother. “Kerry realized – for the first time – that he didn’t know where his brother was. How could that be? Had he been living in a dream-world for an entire year?” Indeed, how the EFF could that happen? Kerry thinks about Donald ALL THE TIME. I’m not writing about it, because Kerry’s dreams about his older brother make for boring blogs. But he’s always thinking about him, and he never once was like “Gee, where did that guy get to?” Ugh, R.L.

Kerry’s dad finally kinda tells him what happened. There was a car accident with Kerry, Donald and Donald’s girlfriend. Kerry and Donald were both untouched, but the girlfriend was killed. Donald snapped and had to be sent to a mental institution. Kerry asks what the girls name was, even though he kinda already knows: Amanda. Dun dun dunnn!

On Friday night, Kerry meets Mandy in front of the school for their dance date. During a slow song, she totally pushes Kerry into a dark corner and makes out with him so hard that his lips bleed. Then she runs away. Kerry thinks this is hot, which I CANNOT believe, because bleeding lips are not sexy! (I bet his lips were dry)

While searching for his nutters date, Kerry gets chased around by the mean bullies who beat him up at the basketball court. They tell him that Sal got out of his coma, and explained to him that Kerry didn’t break his leg on purpose, so all is forgiven. No hard feelings, right? Ohhh, boys… Kerry finally finds Mandy and they decide to go home. When they get to his car, they see that all his tires have been slashed. Violently. Mandy freaks out and runs across the parking lot and hops on the first bus she sees. Which is seriously WEIRD behaviour, but Kerry’s still all smitten. The creepy death threat that he gets when he’s home doesn’t even bum him out that much! His dad does warn him to watch out for Donald though, which I thought was very cryptic.

The next day, Kerry runs into Margo, the girl that set Kerry up with Mandy. Except she’s never heard of this Mandy girl and has no idea what he’s talking about. Again, all these signs are BAD. When you start dating a new person, and death threats begin at the same time… chances are your new girlfriend is NUTS. Yet he still agrees to go on a car ride with her that night. Aw, I remember when I first got my license and we’d just go out for car rides! And now, my work commute has ruined driving for me.

Kerry gets another threatening phone call that night, but this time from Donald! He says “Be careful, I’m coming.” Which isn’t so much a threat as it is a statement. It’s all in the inflection. Anyways, Kerry freaks out and slams down the phone before he can find out whether or not it was a TRUE threat. Fool.

On their car ride, Kerry discovers that Mandy is a terrible driver, as she’s continually swerving around, almost landing them in the ditch. She’s all skittish, and confesses that she thinks DONALD is following her. Even though she just moved there. And has never met Donald. And Kerry obviously didn’t tell her about him because he can’t even remember where that kid went! But Kerry believes her and promises to protect her.

Mandy again swerves into oncoming traffic after her confession, but the headlights of the oncoming car actually jog Kerry’s memory! He sees the accident and the aftermath of dead Amanda. And he knows why Donald would be so mad at him… because Kerry was driving when Amanda was killed!

Kerry tells his dad about getting some of his memory back as well as Donald’s call. His dad lets him know that after the accident, Donald had tried to strangle Kerry to death, but was foiled when the police arrived! Ooo, that is pretty traumatic.

The next night, Kerry is hanging around his house, thinking about how his brother tried to kill him. Mandy calls him up and says that Donald is IN her house right now! She trapped him in the basement and she’s coming to Kerry’s house. (Call the police.) She gets there and they discover that Kerry’s phone cord has been cut! (Go to the police.) Instead of taking my helpful advice, the two kids decide to head out to Mandy’s hunting cabin in the secluded woods. Face palm!

Of course Mandy feeds Kerry drugged hot chocolate as soon as they get there. When he comes to, he’s tied to the chair and Mandy sings for him: “Sticks and stone will break YOUR bones” and whips out a mallet. Well, that’s potentially the scariest thing I’ve read in a R.L. book in a long time! He asks to at least know what he did wrong (because he thinks this about a bad date??) and she lets him know her secret: she’s Amanda’s sister! Their parent’s named them Amanda and Mandy? That seems … silly.

Mandy starts in on her promise of breaking all of Kerry’s bones. She smashes the toes on his right foot! To make the next mallet hit more exciting, she puts a stuffed moose head over Kerry’s face so he won’t know when the hit is coming. That’s just cruel! FYI the head is full of bugs too. Mandy is a stone cold bitch.

Luckily, who comes to rescue Kerry? Brother Donald! He subdues Mandy (Kerry doesn’t see how, but I like to think it was a FISTS OF STEEL punch) and takes the buggy moose head off. Apparently, Donald had called Kerry to warn him about nutters Mandy, who is actually named Nancy. Nancy was a fellow patient in the hospital, and Donald told the whole car accident story to her. Since she’s REALLY crazy, she took on the role of Amanda’s sister (with a poorly thought-out name) and decided to extract some revenge. She couldn’t have taken on the role of Amanda’s sister and quietly grieved? Does everything HAVE to be crazy with this girl?

The book ends with Kerry and Sal meeting on crutches and having a laugh about their bad luck. Then Josh asks Kerry if he wants to be set up with his new cousin that’s moving to town… dun dun dun!

Okay, Blind Date wasn’t terrible, but there seemed to be some gaping plot holes that were just ignored. Like Kerry not caring where his brother disappeared to. Or what happened to Donald after he saved Kerry, because I think escaping from a mental hospital is frowned upon. My most burning question: did they let him back on the team now that the bullies like him again?!

I give Blind Date 38 ½ bleeding lips out of 77. Exactly mediocre.

Fear Street Sagas: Circle of Fire, or “The Craft, circa 18-something”

Prologue

Emma Fier Reade hides her secret magic evil spellbook in 1745 in her attic, then dies of unknown causes. That’s pretty much all that happens here.

Sometime Later, Presumably Like 100 Years Maybe

So, thanks ghost writer for not actually putting in any dates. I like knowing exactly when these sagas supposedly happened, not being forced to make educated guesses. Because, let’s be honest, not a whole lot of education went into that guess. If they did put the date in there somewhere, hidden by all that insightful text, and you think to yourself “L. K. was just way too lazy to actually find the date”, well, guilty as charged.

Mia Saxton is late – once again – at Miss Pemberthy’s School for Young Ladies. This school is located in an old estate, maybe where a wealthy (yet evil) family once inhabited. Her classmates go all mean-girls on Mia, sniggering about how she was born on a farm. Chief mean girl is Alicia Bainbridge, who seems to me to be a know-it-all bitch, but she is rich and back in the 19th century people used to equate popularity with wealth. Thank goodness that never happens anymore. Mia has no friends and feels awkward and overgrown and hates Miss Pemberthy’s. Even her roommate Clara, arguably even less popular than her because she’s dumb and fat, won’t speak to her. Although Clara never speaks to anyone because she’s too shy, so she hardly counts.

Until one day Mia has had enough of Alicia and stands up to her for Clara. Clara shyly asks whether she wants to be friends. Aww, how sweet. They eat lunches together, and adopt a stray cat they find. Mia is happy everything seems to be turning around for her.

One night, Mia spots a group of girls heading out to the barn at night, a group of cool girls who hold themselves aloof of Alicia and her bitchy clique. Mia’s curiosity is piqued, so she head out into the winter storm to spy on them. She discovers that they are practising magic spells. The chanting makes Mia all hot and tingly. Hmm. Magic sounds like fun. When the girls stop chanting, Mia falls over and is discovered.

There are four girls there – Phoebe, Irene, Anabel, and their leader Joanne. The girls are about to mean-girl beat Mia up, until all the candles point in her direction, and a piece of metal levitates and points at her. The girls are terrified/delighted, because they had never made actual real magic happen before. They decide the magic chose Mia, and that was good enough for them. Mia joins their little coven, and swears on evil magic she won’t tell anyone about it. They show her the spellbook they found in the attic of Miss Pemberthy’s. Mia is repulsed by it, but it also makes her hot and tingly again, so she goes with it.

As they sneak back into the estate, they find Miss Pemberthy herself waiting with snotty Alicia, who had totally tattled on them. Tell me why anyone would enjoy being around this bitch. The girls are put on kitchen duty for the next two days, which is pretty much the worst thing that could ever happen. The girls are pretty mad at Alicia, until she informs them that she can do whatever she wants because her father is the richest man in the state, and then they’re cool with her. Oh, no wait, they’re not. They vow revenge. Mia goes up to her room, where poor pathetic Clara is eagerly waiting for her. She tells Clara she can’t know where she went, or why she has a new group of friends. This puts a significant wedge in their friendship.

The next night the girls meet at the barn again, to try a spell they have chosen at random, since none of them know the language the chants are written in. They chant, Mia gets all flushed and excited again, and they make a field mouse dance for them in the middle of their weird circle. They think this is awesome, until the mouse plops down dead. Mia’s ready to call things quits, until the mouse jumps back up and scurries away, so everyone assumes no harm was done. They try another spell, near the back of the book. Mia finds she knows the chant without looking at the lines, and this one gives her the heeby-jeebies. She stops them in the nick of time, as she realized they were summoning something very dark, and very dangerous. The girls all think she’s ridiculous, as they hadn’t noticed anything happening, but when they leave the barn all the trees nearby had been gouged by some very large claws, and they are pretty thankful they didn’t get to know what caused those. Mia has concerns about continuing their little game.

The next day Mia loses her temper at Alicia, who is picking on Clara once again. While working in the kitchen, the girls decide to try a spell on Alicia, the one to make her dance. They chant until they hear screaming coming from the classroom. Alicia is hellbent on jumping and twirling, as everyone else laughs and the teachers yell at her to stop. Alicia is clearly terrified, and Mia feels pity for her and stops the spell. She realizes that some of the symbols from the spellbook at marked on her skin, like tattoos, and that she needs to stop. However, none of the other girls are marked, but they are getting off on this new power they’ve found. They’re in no rush to stop the coven, or their spells.

Miss Pemberthy tells the girls the story of the estate they were staying in. It was built by one Jacob Reade, who had come there from Salem, Massachusetts. Some people said that his wife practiced dark magic, but that of course was ridiculous. Alicia starts to look suspicious, like she’s catching on to what’s happening, but then she sees a spider and shrieks like a little girl. Mia tells the girls she thinks Alicia might tell on their magic-practicing ways.

The coven is getting better at calling spells, although it’s always Mia that seems to make these things happen. One night they try a new spell, and Mia feels an overwhelming sense of wrongness with what they did, although they aren’t sure what actually happened. She’s compelled to walk outside, where there is a dark moving mass in the midst of the snow. Spiders, hundreds of them, roiling over a person – the body of Alicia. Mia nearly faints, as she realizes they had Alicia killed, without knowing exactly what they were doing. Ugh, death by spiders. I think I have a new worst death ever.

All the girls promise to never tell what actually happened to Alicia. As far as anyone could see, it was a random mugging by spiders. The other girls agree the Alicia really got what she deserved, so they weren’t going to feel bad about it. Mia is horrified, and tells them she will never do another spell. The mean-girls turn into mean-witches, and tell her she’ll be sorry ... and to watch out for spiders.

Alicia’s coffin is set up in the front parlour, surrounded by roses, and Mia goes to apologize to her (body). As she does so, the roses start attacking her, wrapping her up in their vines and pricking her with their thorns. The roses start to drink her blood, as she gets more and more feeble against the floral assault. She just escapes, and is found by Clara. Mia thinks Clara is so sweet, and a true friend, not at all like the girls who tried to kill her with roses.

That night Mia feels the pull of evil magic, and knows the girls are trying another spell out on her. She has to know what it is, so she creeps out to the barn to find out. Another girl has taken her place, so there are five of them again. She feels they are calling something evil. As she tries to escape, a wave of snow crashes over her, then another. She is being drowned in a sea of snow. Every time she digs herself out of her snowy grave, a fresh layer covers her. Mia gets mad, and is able to fight the snow off, and makes a dash for Miss Pemberthy’s. She thinks she’s safe once she’s inside, but she comes face to face with the girls, her former friends, all burning with hatred. She realizes the power and magic had turned them evil.

The girls start chanting, and the kitchen comes alive, with cutlery and appliances attacking Mia. This totally reminds me of Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, except obviously in that movie the appliances were the good guys. Mia screams, and fire shoots from her hands, stopping everything. Magic flows through her, and she has command of everything around her. One of the girls is wrapped up by a big rug, others are pinned down by kitchen chairs. The mean girls are all of a sudden not so scary anymore. Mia takes the spell book from Joanne, and destroys it with her fire. She blacks out from the effort, but when she wakes up, Joanne has gone insane, laughing hysterically, unable to recognize anything.

The five girls are taken away from Miss Pemberthy’s by their parents. Mia is relieved the nightmare is over, and wants to start afresh. A week afterwards, though, she hears chanting in the house, coming from the attic. She must know who it is, and creeps upstairs. The wooden floor stretches and becomes a face that whispers her name, then belches graveyard rot onto her. As she tries to escape the floor liquefies beneath her, trapping her legs. Someone approaches her – Clara!

Poor, insignificant Clara. She had become magic at the same time as Mia, called by the spellbook, and had been making all the horrible things happen. The others were just little girls, playing with powers too great for them. Clara would now make Mia pay, for choosing the others over her. She calls the shadows against Mia, to kill her. Well, Mia, being magic too, fights back against the shadows with her fire. The shadows turn on Clara, wrapping her up and wringing her out, before disappearing with her.

Mia leaves Miss Pemberthy’s after that, deciding she’s had entirely enough of a young woman’s education at that place. She vows to never use the power she has again ... unless she has to.