The Lost Girl, or "No, Honey Did Not Sweeten That Horrifying Massacre"

Fear Street lovers, we're back again! I was wondering my favourite second-hand bookstore (shout out to Bailey Books in St. Albert!) when I happened to notice this gem, and realized neither myself or A.M. had read it. Clearly I need to update myself on R.L.'s work. I used to know this stuff like the back of my hand.

The Lost Girl is insane, as I've come to expect, with one of the most creative deaths I've read in a long time. Want to find out about it? Read on...

Ah, Fear Street, where consent is optional, horses are deadly weapons, and time tunnels conveniently exist to prolong generational feuds. Let’s dive into The Lost Girl, a book that asks the important question: What if I Know What You Did Last Summer mashed with time traveling witches?

1950s: When Horse Stables Were Cutthroat

Meet Beth Palmieri, a poor Italian-American girl with witchy powers. She seems to be able to move things with her mind, and uses them to gruesome effect. Her family runs a stable, which apparently is SERIOUS BUSINESS in this town, because their rivals, the Dooleys, are out for blood. 

Enter Aaron Dooley, the whitest marshmallow boy who ever lived, whose defining personality trait is sexual harassment. Two pages in, he’s already dragging Beth into bushes. Naturally, she force-chokes him and nearly makes him swallow his own tongue. I mean, seems like an appropriate response.

But the Dooleys don’t take kindly to a girl defending herself. They also don't like competition, so one night their patriarch, Martin Dooley, kidnaps Beth’s father and unleashes one of the most horrifying deaths in Fear Street history: he ties Dad down, covers him in honey and oats, and lets starving horses eat him alive. That’s right. Horses. The My Little Pony fan in me just DIED.

Beth, understandably traumatized, runs into a cave and disappears...

Present Day: Welcome to I Know What You Did Last Winter

Cut to modern-day Shadyside, where our protagonist, Michael Frost, is living his best snowmobile-obsessed life with his friends Gabe (the gamer), Diego (the jock), and girlfriend Pepper (you know she won't last long). Everything’s chill until a mysterious new girl, Lizzy, shows up. She immediately knows Michael’s name, makes weird pronouncements, and casually steals his blood in a non-consensual finger-pricking ceremony. Um, RED FLAG.

Lizzy invites herself along on a snowmobiling trip, which results in Michael accidentally running over a dude. Oops. Apparently he's a mega-bad guy, Lizzy knows all about him, so they decide to go back and see if he's still alive. But the dude, Angel, is just gone when they return. Ghost? Really angry injured guy? Either way, we’re in trouble.

Meanwhile, Michael’s class goes gravestone rubbing (as you do), and surprise! They find Beth Palmieri’s grave. Michael then starts seeing Angel lurking ominously everywhere. Lizzy keeps making out with him in ways that seem medically unsafe, and someone sends him a lunch bag full of Pepper’s hair. At this point, Michael should be changing his name and moving to another state, but alas, he stays.

One hospital trip and a murder (RIP Gabe, we hardly knew ye) later, Michael discovers Lizzy’s secret: she is Beth Palmieri, who fell into a time tunnel and landed in the future, presumably still pissed off about the horse thing.

Time Travel Feud: Now With More Murder

Turns out Michael is the grandson of Martin Dooley (ugh, genetics), and Angel is actually Aaron Dooley, back from the grave. Lizzy and Angel are both here for revenge and plan to shove Michael into the time tunnel, dooming him to wander through the ages like some kind of Shadyside Doctor Who. But Michael flips the script and shoves them into the tunnel instead. They rapidly age 70 years in seconds and crumble into dust, because that’s how time physics works in Fear Street.

With the murderers-turned-mummies gone, Michael and Pepper go back to their regularly scheduled lives. The book ends with Michael taking a gravestone rubbing of Beth’s name, musing about how they’re bloods. Because nothing says “closure” like making arts and crafts out of your dead maybe-girlfriend’s tombstone.

Final Thoughts:

• Most horrifying Fear Street death to date? Death by hungry horses. Ugh, new nightmare unlocked.
• Biggest red flag? Lizzy stealing blood on the first date.
• Least surprising twist? The time tunnel. There’s always a time tunnel.

Fear Street: where you can get run over by a snowmobile, murdered in a furnace room, and eaten by a horse, all in one book. I give this 9 oat-and-honey corpses out of 12!

Halloween time!

Time for my annual Halloween update for all my Shadysiders, and this year, we've got some exciting developments.

First of all, looks like the next Netflix Fear Street is in post-production! It's Fear Street Prom Queen, and I'm absolutely dead because I loved The Prom Queen sooooo much! I gave it 7 out of 7 crowns, and also recommended that it should have been a Super Chiller, so high praise indeed coming from me!

Looks like it will be out 2025. Cannot wait to watch and recap for you!

Other really exciting thing: AM Stine and I have teamed up again to dive even deeper into Shadyside Snark by creating the Shadyside Snark podcast. We are in pre-production at this time, but this blog has long been a labor of love for us, so we're going to be chatting together about all things Fear Street, 90's horror and my obsession with RL Stine. Stay tuned for more updates!

In the meantime: some of you know I have become an author of YA fantasy. I have two novels out this year with Brown Cat Press, and both ebooks are on sale at Amazon for the month. So if you're looking for a little bit of reading material with witches and vampires, then check them out:

The Well of Souls

Lola Monteux, a treasure-hunting vampire, is betrayed by her crew and sentenced to death. Desperate to evade her fate, she embarks on a daring escape to a haunted island cursed for her kind. Her solitary mission: to unearth the fabled Well of Souls treasure, rumoured to bestow invincibility upon demons like her and grant her the freedom she craves.

But as Lola succumbs to the enchantment of the island, a powerful magic weaves its spell around her. She is inexplicably drawn to Gael, a local boy, and his group of misfit friends. Undercover as a teenager, Lola discovers the joys and vulnerabilities of her long-lost humanity, and begins to lose sight of her original mission—to secure her survival at any cost.

Find it here: Amazon

The Sibyl and the Thief

Sabine Gillesella has betrayed her people by working as a spy for Duke Aurich, the most powerful man in Illyamor. But now she has been cursed with invisibility and her time is running out before she fades away completely. When she meets Anora, a blind orphan who swears she knows how to help her, Sabine must follow her through a haunted forest, or risk losing more than her life.

Bound by fate, Sabine and Anora uncover truths that challenge who they are, revealing a destiny greater than they ever believed. As the land crumbles around them, they must summon the courage to weave the fabric of the realm back together and restore balance to a world on the brink of collapse.

Find it here: Amazon

Then She Said Hush

And don't forget my Fear Street-inspired short story collection: Then She Said Hush (free on KU)

There is nothing so delightful, or primal, as gathering around a fire to tell tales. You huddle closer to the flames to feel the heat on your face while the darkness gathers at your back. With nothing but open emptiness behind you, the ancient dread of the unknown creeps down your spine. You force yourself not to glance over your shoulder into the inky black. Is there any moment quite so frightening as when somebody freezes and whispers: What was that?

Cordelia Kelly shares seven chilling stories of survival, darkness, and a hint of witchcraft in Then She Said Hush, including award-winning post-apocalyptic tale “Unfreeze.”

Enjoy. And bring a flashlight.

Until next time, we will be waiting to bring you all the goosebumps of Fear Street...Stay tuned for the Shadyside Snark podcast!

Halloween Update

 Hello my spooky friends,

There's no new content on the Fear Street front (unless you consider the re-release of the Evil Cheerleaders series in a fancy new package from Simon & Schuster, which I absolutely do not). I swear, Goosebumps gets all the love. I am always keenly watching to see if the fourth Fear Street movie will ever be made by Netflix, but seeing as it's still kicking around in pre-production, I'm not holding my breath.

I am still trying to convince AM Stine to watch and recap the 2nd and 3rd movie installments ... but she's scared. It didn't help that I told her the 2nd one (1978) is the scariest (who's with me?) Perhaps she needs a bit of encouragement.

But, if you need a shot of horror in your life, this writer has her own horror anthology Then She Said Hush available on Amazon. And for the month of October, the ebook is being given away if you sign up for my newsletter. Check it out here. Free horror for Halloween? That's almost enough to give me Goosebumps.

I also have some published horror shorts available: “Inside Me” is a short story appearing in Back Roads Autumn Literary Review. This is my first piece appearing in a literary magazine, and of course it was going to be horror. The story is about a lust spell gone wrong at a high school party, with some serious The Craft vibes. While there is nothing particularly graphic, I do have to warn that there is some light cannibalism. Still can’t believe they actually published it!

The story “Dare to Survive” will be appearing in horror anthology Dark & Stormy. Love the name, and I love the entire anthology. There are some incredibly creepy stories in here, “The Old Man on the Porch” kept me up at night! My story has been described as “edge-of-your-seat”, set in a near-future world. Contestants on a game show compete in Fear Factor-type challenges. The prize? Saving the life of a loved one on death row. Failure means immediate execution, and perhaps the loss of the contestants life as well. By far the darkest thing I’ve written (yet), this is definitely not for kids. The anthology is set to be released November.

Until next time, keep things creepy.

The Treehouse: A Just Beyond Recap

 Song: Perfect World

The Treehouse is the highest-rated of all the Just Beyond episodes, so I was curious: was it sweeter, or was it scarier? Read to the end to find out!

Sam has just purchased a mint copy of a comic book – Commander Canada, with his maple syrup blaster. That is hilarious. Sam is kinda a nerdy kid with a great best friend, Mason, and they’re so excited about their new purchase. Then this mean kid Tommy grabs it from him and throws it in a puddle, so it’s no longer mint.

Mason is sweet, tells Sam he knows what that comic would have meant to his dad, but Sam doesn’t want to talk about it. He goes home to his mom, who tells him they need to move on and have a normal life again, but Sam doesn’t want to – he doesn’t want to forget his dad died. Oh, my heart just broke.

Sam goes out to the treehouse he made with his dad before he died, and reads comics, but a vicious storm blows in and the treehouse is struck by lightning and collapses.

He wakes up in bed, but it’s not his bed or his room. It’s beautiful and huge. He’s in sports photos with town bully Tommy and it appears they are best friends. Downstairs, he realizes he’s in a mansion, and the people calling him son aren’t his mom and dad. They’re concerned that he doesn’t know them, but not too worried because he had a soccer injury that apparently could lead to memory loss.

Sam runs the hell away from his Stepford fake family to his real house. His mom is there, but she has no idea who he is. And then – biggest heartbreaker yet – his dad is there. In this reality he’s alive, and he doesn’t know Sam. They’re talking about calling the police, but nicely, so Sam runs away.

Oh, but in this new reality, he keeps flashing to a grisly wasteland that sort of overrides the lovely neighbourhoods around him, so you get the sense that if things aren’t put back into place, things are going to get apocalyptic. So Sam goes to Mason to get his help. But it turns out new Sam is actually a total bully and Mason hates him.

But Sam tells him a bunch of weird stuff about him he shouldn’t know and tells Mason to trust him. Since Mason of this world is also still into comic books and other dimensions, he’s easy to convince. He tells Sam the fact that he’s glitching isn’t good, and if he doesn’t get out of new reality he’ll end up being stuck in the wasteland. How to get out of this reality? He’ll have to get a new treehouse from his old dad.

So Sam also tells his dad weird stuff he shouldn’t know – and this dad in the new reality begins to be convinced a little bit too. 

The world glitches again, and it’s really creepy. Sam goes back to his fake house and wonders if he’ll just wake up and everything will be normal. But then he thinks, he’ll never be able to see his dad again, and I have a lump in my throat.

Sam wakes up in the alternate dimension. He goes to his real dad’s and they start talking treehouses. He’s so kind. The mom thinks they’re both crazy, but dad figures – if Sam is right then he’s helping his kid get home and if he’s wrong, then he’s helping out a lonely kid. Besides, he’s always wanted a treehouse, and he and his wife start to think about maybe having kids. She might be starting to believe him a little bit too. They go as a family to a diner and a lumber yard, and I love this family bonding. I do wonder what his fake family is thinking, like “Sam has a head injury and has completely disappeared – shrug.” Sam is better off with these awesome human beings.

Tommy the bully wonders what’s up with him, and Sam gives him an excellent burn. He’s having so much fun being with his complete family again. But then he glitches in the backyard and he sees the wasteland – where the treehouse is collapsed and his mother is screaming for him. Creepy.

So they’ve made an amazing treehouse in like a day – I’m impressed. A crazy storm is blowing in and Sam knows this is his chance. The three of them carve their initials into the ladder. He says goodbye to his mom and goes into the treehouse. His dad waits with him. His dad says he’ll see him in another life. Sam breaks down and tells him he’s not in the other reality, he died, and he doesn’t want to go back to a place where he’s gone. Dad doesn’t want to know how it happens but tells him he needs to go back to be with his mom. Sam tells his dad he loves him and they hug and his dad is so so kind.

Are you kidding me with this? I’m not crying, you’re … no, I’m definitely crying. Just Beyond has made me openly cry. A lightning flash.

Sam wakes up in the hospital, his real mom is there waiting for him. He’s been out since the treehouse collapsed. He tells his mom he saw his dad and he helped him find his way back, and there I go again. This is so sad and sweet. 

Sam inspects the wreckage of the treehouse later, and he finds the initials that his alternate family carved into the ladder. 

Oh man, this show legit made me cry, and not just because I miss my dad, or maybe exactly for that reason. I loved it. 9 broken-hearted alternate realities out of 9.

Standing Up For Yourself: A Just Beyond Recap

Song: Break My Stride (honestly this video could not possibly be more '80s, it has to be seen to be believed)

Welcome to Larkinville, the best small town in the world. Except for Trevor. Trevor’s kind of a dick. No, scratch that, a major dick. Not only is he the worst, but everyone is scared of him. He’s only a teenager, but adults are cringing away from him, letting him get away with whatever he wants. Why? Oh, because he’s Trevor Larkin, and his daddy owns the town. Basically entirely – he employs everyone, and is everybody’s landlord. And he is like King Dick, so Trevor comes by it honestly.

At high school, all the kids are essentially his servants or toadies – the nerdy kids do all his work. Anything that isn’t perfect for him, he’ll hit someone. So, Trevor is a psycho. He breaks a kid’s nose in dodgeball, and the mother of the child is out for blood. But he can’t be expelled because … they would all be fired. Principal warns the mom not to do anything – not only will she be fired, her family will be evicted.

A new kid comes to town. He’s like bully-fodder – he is slight and seems nerdy, he has a fake leg and his name is Burger. Trevor is delighted and immediately starts to harass him. The other kids warn the new kid, Evan, to just do what he says. “Welcome to the resistance.”

Trevor demands Evan empty his backpack, but turns out new kid has a spine, and says no. Trevor threatens him, but Evan warns him he’s making a mistake. He gets fully pummelled by Trevor.

A few hours later, Evan is brought to Trevor’s house by his grandmother, who doesn’t really speak English but demands an apology. Nobody is surprised when Trevor is a dick to her, too. The grandma starts chanting – that’s never a good sign. I’m getting Beauty and the Beast vibes here. Everything goes dark and Trevor is actually spooked. A new wind blows through Larkinville, and everyone looks up for a moment. 

That night, Trevor has dinner with his dad, who is unsurprisingly horrible. He laughs about how he did in fact fire and evict the mom whose son’s nose Trevor had broken. Trevor’s mom (stepmom because she’s pretty young?) seems scared of her husband and feels sorry for the family they just destroyed. Is she nice? But then she’s super inappropriate at the dinner table with her husband, and both Trevor and I are horrified. She does offer that Trevor shouldn’t be so aggressive, but the Larkin men agree that if you’re not stomping on others, they’ll be stomping at you. A spooky wind blows things against the window. 

When Trevor wakes up the next day, he’s a little kid! He goes into town and the townspeople aren’t scared of him anymore, he’s not getting away with anything. Then they realize it’s him because of a scar on his face, and they’re even less scared. In fact, there are several adults who are looking for a little payback. This is kinda scary, actually, and Trevor runs away. He’s literally being chased by townspeople and dogs, and kinda deserves it.

Oops, none of the kids in school are scared of him either. Nor are the teachers or the principal. It looks like he’s going to be actually ripped apart but new kid Evan stops them. He says if they continue, then they are as bad as Trevor is.

Trevor escapes and goes to the old lady’s house, the witch who put this spell on him. He begs her for forgiveness, and she tells him: Love others and you love yourself. Hurt others and you hurt yourself. He says he understands, and she says when he wakes up, the world will be as it should. He has the chance at a new life.

Oh no, Trevor, listen to her language! But he goes home to bed, and when he wakes up, he’s back to his massive bullying self. Has he learned a lesson? Of course not! He storms out of bed in the mood for some payback.

But as he tramples the flowerbed like he always does, the gardener speaks out against him – oh, and it’s his dad! The world really has changed overnight. Evan and his family live in his old mansion and they own the town now. 

Only Evan is kind. And the world is a much better place now.

Aww, loved this ending. I felt Trevor shouldn’t have gotten off too easy, and he didn’t. Now he’ll have to work in this new life to be better. Perfect. The message we learned? I’ll repeat the witch: Love others and you love yourself. Hurt others and you hurt yourself. An excellent way to live life, no matter who you are. 

Not the scariest of shows by a long shot, but gosh darn it I’m being swayed by all this good messaging. Am I becoming a better person? 8 angry mobs out of 10.

We've Got Spirit: A Just Beyond Recap

Listen to: Dancing Under the Stars

Get your jazz hands ready for this one! I honestly wasn’t expecting to enjoy Just Beyond as much as I did. I certainly wasn’t expecting them to be so heartwarming; this one could be enjoyed with a cup of cocoa. Or maybe some popcorn, as it takes place in the theatre.

Ella, a surly teen is on her way to school. She’s having a hard time there, as her best friend Zoe ditched her last year and she’s having trouble getting over how much that hurt. They are both in performance class together, where the teacher demands they all lay their souls bare, which Ella is clearly not in the mood to do.

They take a field trip to the Fox Theater, housed in a beautiful turn-of-the-century building. I had to look up this place, and it turns out Just Beyond was mainly filmed in Atlanta, and the Fox Theatre is a real place there (and also might be for real haunted!) Booking ghost tour in Atlanta immediately.

The fictional Fox Theater is also supposed to be haunted, as it burned down in ’38, taking with it the lives of the theatre troupe rehearsing at the time. The tour director plays it up, staging a bit of a haunted moment where the lights go on and off, and the script of the play they were rehearsing appears on the table (Unfinished Business – a little on the nose!). Ella is overwhelmed in this space, and her former friend Zoe isn’t helping – what a bitch! She runs away from the field trip to avoid having to perform, and ends up falling asleep on the couch in a tucked-away room.

First rule in horror shows: one should never go off alone in creepy haunted theatres. But unfortunately for Ella, she gets left behind and locked in the building. She wakes up to a dead phone and barred doors, and wow is she taking this better than I would!

The chandeliers sway in a ghostly breeze and everything is v. creepy – good job on giving me the chills. Just when everything goes quiet again, doors open and slam on their own and a ghost swishes right by her. Ella is about ready to faint, and the whole ghostly theatre troupe appears in front of her. They look her over and say they want to transform her.

Don’t worry, though, they don’t want her as a ghost, they want her to be an actress! They’ve been looking for someone to help them rehearse a play because they’re down an actor. They’re dead, but they’re not scary – so they say. They’re sweet and sassy, straight from the dirty thirties. And they demand that Ella get over her stage fright right away.

She doesn’t have anything better to do so she tries to run lines with them, but Ella sucks. One of the ghosts possesses her to show her how it’s done, and good job actress for the dual body stuff, very cool. She’s angry about the possession, but just then a terrifying ghost skull shows up to attack them. They warn her to run – apparently, even ghosts are scared of some things. This skull used to show up a lot, but hasn’t happened in a long time. They figure it’s because Ella is there, and they need to get her out.

She goes upstairs to a room that has the blueprints of the theatre and smashes the case – Quiet Ella feels frocking awesome about smashing things up! Girl needs to come out of her shell. One of the ghosts gives her the backstory about the overbearing actress who possessed her – she had been fighting with a young actress the night of the fire, Dolores, who ran away before the fire. Just after he shares this, the ghosts disappears and the slurpee machine in the concession oozes over the top. The ghostly tension builds up, until a ghostly hand grabs Ella, holding it over her mouth. She dashes for the door to the basement, but it’s been bricked over. Ghostly writing appears on the bricks: Please stop.

Damn. That was scary. Now she’s exploring the theatre with a young ghost her age who appears to have a crush on her, it’s adorable. She tells him her story about her friend Zoe, how they used to sing and songwrite together, but then Zoe didn’t want to hang out anymore. She wrote a song for her, telling her how much she missed her, and sent it to her. Zoe, that bitch, shared with the whole school and everyone laughed at her. Ella hasn’t been able to perform since Zoe did that, and I kinda can’t blame her. She says she feels like she’s stuck in limbo, and ghost can agree with that. She sings for him, and he gives her the keys to get out. He had them the whole time, he just wanted to hang with her for a bit.

She thanks the whole troupe and is about to leave when a message from Dolores appears and the horrible skull appears and chases the ghosts away. Ella makes a decision and goes after the actors. She has figured out that Dolores is the demon skull – that she never left the theatre and was caught in the fire same as them. Ella speaks to the skull, understanding how it feels to be cast out, felt like nobody wants them. They make the mean actress apologize to the skull, but the demon ghost is still angry. So Ella tells her (nicely) that she just has to get over it.

Then skull becomes Dolores again, and she says it’s good to let go of the anger she’d been holding for nearly a century. The cast puts on their show, finally, for Ella. As they bow, they then ascend into the light. Their unfinished business was finally completed.

Ella’s parents come to rescue her and she gets out of the theatre. Next time she’s in performance class, Ella gets up and bares her soul, getting her whole class into her song. Even Zoe starts to groove to it (I’ll still be mad – don’t you dare, Zoe). Ella’s moved on, and it’s very moving.

Points for being both cute and at times kinda scary. The message we learned: We need to let go of our anger and move on from things that have hurt us. I’ll give that a standing ovation. 5 demon ghost skulls out of 6.

Unfiltered, a Just Beyond recap

Unfiltered caused some rage to build up in me, so just be warned I might get kind of ranty here! Also, for lovers of all things lit and horror, I'm written a blog post on immortality in literature, and whether it's a blessing or a curse (spoiler alert: for me, immortality will always fall under the horror genre). Check it out at cordeliakelly.

Listen to: Picture Perfect, Sedona

Lily is crazy smart and awesome and as we watch her through the day, we see she’s confident and so full of potential. But, like many teenage girls, she’s also obsessed with selfies and influencers, judging her self-worth based on her looks. She hates her nose, and her glasses, and sometimes wishes she wasn’t a nerd. She confesses to her equally nerdy friend that she wants to be hot, not smart, just once, and go to a party with cute boys. As she says, she wants to be just a touch closer to perfect.

A new crazy-hot teacher breezes into the art class, being all awesome and beautiful as she tells them all to just paint something. Lily’s crush approaches her and she gets her hopes up as he tells her about this party he’s having … and he wants her to tutor him because if he fails his upcoming test, his parents will make him cancel. Lily is crushed that he only sees her as a nerd.

New hot teacher overhears, and tells Lily that it’s hard being pretty too. Okay, no one asked you, hot lady, and I’m offended for Lily that she’s getting involved. Ooh, but now she’s sharing this awesome new beauty app that’s invite-only and I’m realizing that hot teacher is in fact very, very sketchy.

Lily is skeptical, but the beauty app works. As in, it changes her actual face. So she gives herself the nose job of her dream and her face is now perfect.

When she comes to school the next day, she’s just like one of the cute girls.  (Except, let’s just get into this here right now: she could have always worn cute clothes and like, brushed her hair. Self-grooming is okay. Nerds don’t have to only wear oversized flannel.) But whatever, changing her nose and putting on makeup has allowed her to become a changed person. 

Unfortunately, she’s actually a changed person, because as she’s talking to her very smart friend, it’s clear she’s gotten dumber. She looks at the app, that’s flashing a warning sign that side effects include permanent changes in personality.

Except, except, being pretty, wearing make-up or clothes that you like doesn’t actually make you dumb. It’s not an either/or concept, and I’m not loving that this is how it’s being portrayed. It’s a little heavy-handed.

So she ditches her sweet friend to go hang with the popular girls who are into her now that she’s wearing contacts and a crop top. And now she’s chatting with her crush and her real friend is genuinely crushed. The popular girls are kind of mean, though, and they tell Lily she couldn’t land her crush and needed to manage her expectations.

So Lily takes things even further with the app until she doesn’t even look like herself anymore. She also turns into a flaky bitch. She completely fails at the quiz bowl she’d been studying before she got popular, and her friend calls her basic. She will not be accepting calls anymore.

But, things are going Lily’s way because her crush invites her to his party, and I cannot even handle her lips. How does one even speak out of those? I also can’t handle her new, seriously mean attitude. She’s so shallow even her crush can’t handle her, so she frantically goes to upgrade her face again. But she goes too far. She’s turned into one of those weird plastic surgery cat-ladies, it’s a horrifying mess. The whole party goes silent at her face.

She runs to the hot teacher’s house, the one that got her into this hot mess in the first place. It’s weirdly empty and ominous, so obviously she just lets herself in. Hanging in the room are mirrors, where living people are trapped. 

Hot teacher finds her there and gets mad. By now we all know she’s a witch (but not an adorable one) and explains that the people’s spirits are trapped there. They traded their souls to be pretty, because when they have the choice, people will choose outer beauty over inner beauty every time. And she calls Lily out for being shallow.

Lily gets mad and starts smashing the mirrors, realizing that it hurts the witch. She smashes all the mirrors and the souls are released. The witch turns old and ugly, and Lily gets her old face and her old personality back.

First stop, Lily makes up with her friend, who at first plays she’ll never forgive her, but takes her back readily enough. And they walk away with the knowledge that inner beauty is the best. But also apparently that nerds must never think of their appearance because we are only allowed to have one dominant personality trait, and if you want to be smart, that’s it.

Let me finish my rant that wearing makeup doesn’t make women evil? And that wanting to look your best doesn’t actually detract from your other qualities? I get not overdoing it, I get not being swayed by influencers and apps that make it seem like we should all be perfect, but for me, Unfiltered did not hit that mark. 3 hot lips out of 7.

My Monster: A Just Beyond recap

Listen to: So Good

A teen is watching TV at night during a storm, when she hears creepy carnival music from outside. This is giving me Scream flashbacks and I love it. She gets up to look for the source of the music, and I’m actually pretty creeped out. The tension builds, until in a flash of lightning she realizes a horrifying man-like monster is behind her. A cat looks on as she screams.

Wow, first jump scare of Just Beyond. Did things just get real? Or am I going to learn something about myself?

A girl (a different one) wakes up from a nightmare. There are strange noises coming from her closet, and she leaves her light on. She’s super scared.

She is Olivia, and she just moved into a new town to a new (to her) house. It’s actually her mother’s old house, and her parents are recently divorced. Olivia is like supergirl, incredibly helpful and optimistic to make sure her mom feels okay. Then it flashes to her falling apart, having a panic attack, clearly not really okay at all. And my heart is now with Olivia, who is putting on such a brave face while actually so scared of everything. 

She meets her next-door neighbour, Graham, who is an absolute delight. With no concept of boundaries, he invites himself over and makes himself at home, being both obnoxious and awesome at the same time. He thinks her house is creepy, and is into it. 

As a side note, I like how the teens in Just Beyond look like actual teens, not attractive thirty-somethings. But I just looked up Megan Stott and she must have been 17-18 when this was filmed. I would have guessed 14, so I guess everyone looks younger on film?

Anyway, that night there is a lightning storm, and Olivia hears the creepy carnival music. Guys, this is bad, really bad, and genuinely scary. Finally, after more build-up than my poor heart can take, she sees a flash of the masked man in the suit, same as the one that attacked the other girl!

Next day, Graham continues to be awesome and supportive and snarky at the same time and brings her to meet the popular cheerleader girls of the school, who are into her because Olivia is also a cheerleader. She gets invited to a party at an amusement park (an elite invite) but is freaked out about going on the really sketchy terrifying roller coaster. She hears the carnival music in the school. It’s not the house that’s haunted – it’s Olivia!!

She’s trying to research the monster that’s stalking her with Graham in the library, when he has to go. She hears the music again, and follows it deep into the stacks. I’m still finding this so creepy! Why is there a basement in the library? Why are you going down there, little girl? This is the time when you say NO THANK YOU and leave the creepy music alone.

She goes into the basement. Of course the door slams shut behind her and of course she’s trapped. Now the murderous masked man appears at the end of the hall and he’s all stretched out like slim man and I can’t handle this. He sprints towards her and she cringes away. Just before he gets her, the lights go back on and he’s disappeared. 

Olivia next has cheerleader practice, and I’m surprised she can move at all. She’s not doing well. She’s sort of thrown into it, everyone telling her she can handle it. But she’s a flyer and they’re flipping her around all over the place and I can see how this would suck for her. Then she looks down and everything goes dark and the monster is standing under her. She falls hard.

Despite her struggles, Graham continues to be the bright spot in all this. He tells her she must go to the amusement park party and ride the roller coaster, because risking her life this once is worth not having a Siberian social life. 

Her mom is going out for the night and leaves Olivia with a babysitter – you think she’d be happy to not be alone, but she complains like a teen. But it turns out it was an old babysitter of her mothers, and she had tea to spill. Olivia’s mother used to claim the house was haunted … and that she would hear music. And good god there are a lot of lightning storms here. Climate change?

Olivia confronts her mother, who sighs when she realizes her daughter is afflicted as well. The monster appears when she is nervous. She calls him the squeamer. And by the way, he never goes away. You just have to make friends with him. She tells her daughter with a hug it’s okay to be scared and have bad days and not be perfect.

So creepy monster is the embodiment of Olivia’s fear. And she must accept him as part of his life. I thought that once we learn this lesson, all the scariness would be over, but not really. Olivia gets up that night for some water, and hears heavy footsteps overhead where her little brother is. My god there are so many jumpstarts here.

The monster appears to be going for her brother and she steps in front of it, telling it to back off. She finds her courage, and takes off the monster’s mask. We don’t find out what he looks like, but Olivia is satisfied.

Olivia goes out to that amusement park party and goes on the terrifying rollercoaster (the only one banned by the UN, ha). The masked monster sits next to her, but she tells him the seats already taken. Graham hops in with her and they go for a ride (but you can see the monster’s taken a different seat!)

We learned it’s okay to be scared and we better get comfortable not being perfect all the time. 11 out of 11 lightning storms for serious scare points here!