Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hit and Run, or “Weekend at Bernie’s: DUI”

Sorry for so long between blogs. The reason? I was stuck doing another Point Horror, and I gotta tell you. These things are a struggle to get through. 120 pages of wholesome American goodness gone wrong. It just took awhile, but I powered through.

Cassie is friends with three guys: Scott, All American perfect guy, but for the tendency to be a little girl; Winks, a self-proclaimed “jokester” who likes to torture his friends; and Eddie, a serious shy young man often the butt of the jokes. This foursome gets into all kinds of trouble around (random all-American town), but what happens when the jokes go too far?

While hanging at Scott’s, Winks comes over with a human eyeball to play with. That’s certainly what I used to do for fun while in high school. He’s borrowed it from Eddie’s cousin Jerry, who works at the morgue. I have this feeling that stealing body parts is illegal, and if it isn’t, it certainly should be. Anyways, they call Eddie over to scare him with it, and he totally falls for it, fainting. There is much laughter, although not so much from Eddie’s side of things. Once he’s recovered, they decide to go for a joy ride in Scott’s parents Volvo, though none of them have their license. Ooh, bad kids. Also, none of them are capable of standing up to Winks, who’s a bit of a bully. Eddie fusses like an old woman, which is kinda irritating. You can see why he’s picked on so much.

Once out of town, Eddie gets into the driver’s seat to practice. He’s skittish and overly careful, but really wants to pass his test, trying to ignore Winks who’s being a typical asshole. Eventually he’s had enough and stomps away, and Scott and Cassie decide that driving practice is over for the night. Cassie and Scott are like the parents of this foursome, with a bad kid and an annoying kid. After Eddie is dropped off, Cassie wonders aloud why Eddie is always picked on, and the guys just shrug, agreeing that’s just the way it is and Eddie should get used to it, since it won’t get any better.

Cassie and Scott go shopping together, and it ends with them kissing awkwardly. She doesn’t know what to do since she’s liked Scott forever, but the kissing him thing is strange. Maybe they’re just not to be?

Next time the four of them are hanging out, trying to decide what to do, it’s Eddie who suggests they go for another joy ride, since they do all need the practice. After Eddie mans up a bit this way, they all take it seriously, practicing their driving BORING! This goes on way too long. Eddie drives them home as they discuss how awesome it will be to get their licenses.

Then a man steps out in front of them on the road. Eddie slams on the brakes, but they slide right into him, quietly bumping over him. Why was dude just standing in the middle of a country road? Eddie calls to the man, then goes to him. The man is staring up at them, and no one really needs Eddie to check for a pulse and pronounce him dead – just like the doctor he one day wanted to be. Eddie freaks out, and Winks swipes the dead guy’s wallet. To see who he is, presumable. Brandt Tinkers.

Predictably, the teens decide to ignore the man they just killed, since they don’t want to face the consequences of their actions. I wonder if subsequent guilt will rip them apart and terrify them? I’m sure I’ve seen this movie before. They toss the body to the side of the road and take off.

Waiting at Eddie’s house are two policemen. Eddie had left the front door open, and they apparently just waited around to tell him that he shouldn’t do that. Seriously, is this what cops do? Have they nothing else they could possibly busy themselves with? No wonder they can’t solve any actual crimes.

No reports of hit and runs come in, and they wonder if no one has found the body yet. Scott feels this means they have no cause for concern. Cassie is uneasy, so they ask Eddie to call his cousin Jerry, the morgue-worker, to see if the body of Brandt Tinkers turned up. To their surprise, he was brought in the night he was killed. Apparently the cops are close to figuring out who committed the hit and run, and are keeping quiet in the media because of this. I think that’s giving the cops a lot of credit. Eddie wants to turn himself in, but Scott and Cassie try to convince him to wait a few days. As they are doing so, Jerry from the morgue calls up. The corpse of Brandt Tinker is missing – almost as if it got up and walked of its own accord.

Eddie is sure Winks has something to do with the missing body, but Winks pleads innocence. He’s been grounded anyways, since his mother discovered the human eyeball in his room. Cassie and Scott believe Winks, and decide not to think about it anymore. Until Cassie receives a collect call from Brandt Tinkers. Who calls collect? Corpses are totally cheap. Not surprisingly, Brandt Tinkers gives her a chilling message: You can’t run away.
Next day, Eddie tells Cassie he got the same call. Cassie’s angry about the practical joke, but Eddie thinks it’s more sinister than that. He cuts homeroom, surprising Cassie, who figures he must be more messed up than she realized in order to skip class. That night, Eddie calls her over to show her a new practical joke – a Cubs cap (presumably worn by Brandt Tinkers) with a note tucked into it: My hat is off to the driver who killed me.

Cassie decides to ignore this new joke, and goes to the movies with Winks. Not as a date, just because the other two are sick/too scared to go outside. She goes outside to wait for him, and finds him already there – in a pile in front of the neighbours, a victim of a hit and run. He’s unconscious and has internal injuries, but the doctors think he’s going to make it. The other three congregate at Eddie’s, where they find their latest stalker note from the dead man: One down, three to go. Along with a Polaroid of Brandt Tinkers corpse sitting in Scott’s Volvo, grinning at them. I just had a flash of Weekend at Bernie’s. Haha. Funny movie. Cassie has her own brain flash, and all of a sudden knows who’s behind it all.

She calls Eddie to the next day, telling him they need to go see Jerry at the morgue. They stroll in together – can people just stroll into the morgue? Again, I feel there needs to be greater protection around dead bodies. Jerry is a complete creep, and keeps on playing with the bodies. Ugh, he’s a ghoul. Cassie shows him the Polaroid, and Jerry stops kidding around. Eddie decides this is the best possible moment to get violently ill and has to go, immediately. Hmm, suspicious?
Winks wakes up that day, to much joy, but can’t have visitors just yet. Cassie is trying to concentrate on homework when she hears something outside, and goes down to find a Polaroid of Brandt Tinkers corpse, standing at her front door, with a note: You’re next. She calls Scott at home, but despite the late hour, he isn’t there. Hmm, also suspicious. Cassie seems to think so – to her this is proof he’s the stalker guy.

Despite everything going on, Cassie still has to take her driver’s test the next day. She passes easily, but is too upset to celebrate that teenage victory. Eddie calls her up and asks her to take him driving, now that she’s certified, so he can practice. They drive out in Eddie’s car, and Eddie is behaving all squirelly. He drives her far out to some deserted road. She’s explaining to him her theory that Scott ran over Winks and had been send the notes, when they blow a tire. Ever the tomboy, Cassie goes to put the spare on, despite Eddie’s desperate pleas not to. In the trunk, she finds the unfortunate Brandt Tinkers corpse. It was Eddie all along!

He says it was all a joke. He was so sick of being picked on, he just had to do it. All this pent up teenage angst sure turned Eddie into a dull boy, and his attempt to gain a sense of humour came out a little twisted. Brandt Tinkers is a corpse of a homeless guy, borrowed from the marge to teach the pranksters a little lesson. Only Cassie didn’t fall for it, so now she has to pay. He goes after her with a tire iron, then tells her to run. He gives her a sporting head start, then comes after her in the car.

Only he misses her, as Scott’s Volvo comes to the rescue by slamming into Eddie. Jerry is in with Scott, and they tackly Eddie. Originally, Jerry was in on the joke, but when he saw the Polaroids he realized things had gone way too far. Cassie questions Scott about his whereabouts the night before. His excuse? Sleepwalking. Snort – totally plausible. But when Cassie tells them the corpse is in the trunk, they are all shocked to find the corpse truly gone.

Oh well. Two weeks later, they’re all laughing about it. Except for Eddie, who is now getting treatment for being crazy. And Jerry, who has learned his lesson about practical jokes. Until they go to leave his place, and find Brandt Tinkers standing at the doors, waiting for them. Oh, corpse jokes. Do they ever get old?

Are you kidding me? This whole book is about the amusing propping up of a corpse, over the course of several weeks. This corpse is thrown around, stuffed into trunks, run over several times – how is this thing still standing? Am amazed at the lengths people went for a corpse joke. And while I would like to say that corpse jokes are not funny, I still laugh at Weekend at Bernie’s, so clearly I am a hypocrite. At least Weekend at Bernie’s had better follow through. And what ever happened to the Cassie-Scott love story? They share one awkward kiss and that’s it? Actually, I’m going to give that points for being realistic to high school. That’s about the only points this gets. 2 corpse jokes out of 19.


Sadako said...

Man, corpses really are cheap.

I liked it better as Lois Duncan's I Know What You Did Last Summer. That book wasn't half bad actually.

megan said...

I<3 Weekend at Bernies.

I hate this book!

M.H Stine said...

this book is better if u read it so dont say its bad

p.s. Cassie & Scott DO end up together

Anonymous said...

Wow, Point Horror is usually better than this, to my recollection. This one seems to have been poorly-executed all-round.

RecallerReminder said...

Pretty lame plot has this one. The main character its so pointless over this and the rest of the cast were nothing but stereotypes...
Guess the only likeble character was actually the corpse.