Silent Night 2 or "Trashy Elvis Kidnapping Shenanigans!"

Well kids, it’s that time of year again. As with many people, Christmas is my favorite holiday. And to celebrate, I always enjoy settling down with a big cup of hot chocolate and a Fear Street book. Bliss! Bring on Silent Night 2. Tagline? "Jingle Bells … Santa Kills!"

Hmmm while awesome, mind if I nitpick? Santa doesn’t actually kill in this book. In fact, Santa is not involved in any part of this book. No one even dresses up like Santa! Therefore the cover? Not my fave. It’s lying to us, and giving Santa a bad name. For shame, coverartist! Reva looks very similar to her other covers, but her haircut is horrible. I also believe my mom owns the outfit that she is sporting.

Since this is a super chiller, it’s broken into two super chilling parts. The first one is called: "A Kidnapping". We meet our villains first off in this book. Paul (AKA “Pres”) is broke, angry and kind of a douche. He’s super pissed that he got fired (for stealing) from Dalby’s Department Store just before Christmas. His girlfriend Diane isn’t much better. She is a little bit wacko, and decides that if they want to have a good Christmas, they’re going to have to rob a bank or do something else serious (read: ridiculous). They settle on kidnapping Reva Dalby. Basically this chapter demonstrates how everyone in Shadyside who is not rich is either insane, trashy or both in the case of Diane. It also explains why Paul is called Pres. Diane calls him that because she thinks he sneers like Elvis Presley. Righto Diane…

Cut to Reva finally! Her dad is forcing her to work at his store again this Christmas, even though the last time she was almost murdered, not to mention AWFUL at her job. She’s still a bitch. Her cousin Pam has a job at the store too, and Reva goes to harass her because she’s a terrible person. BUT Pam is talking to her super cute new boyfriend Victor, so Reva decides to just steal her boyfriend. Reva is basically a super-teenage villain, and I can never decide if she’s totally awesome, or if I hate her.

Best part of the book. After Victor leaves, Reva shows Pam her new nails for her to admire. When asked what she thinks, Pam cries “Here’s what I think about your nails!” while thrusting a letter opener into Reva chest. And no, it wasn’t a hallucination. The letter opener of DEATH was actually a gag gift, and the blade retracts when it touches something. Um, Pam? I know that you didn’t actually hurt Reva, and that she probably deserved it even if you did, but it’s pretty insensitive considering what happened to Reva last year. Just… don’t let Reva get to you. You’re better than that! In conclusion, both Reva and Pam are kind of assholes.

So Pres and Diane have been following the Dalby’s for a week to figure out their schedule. Mr. Dalby leaves their house in the morning, followed by Reva much, much later. The perfect time to grab her is after her dad has left for the day! They are both pleased with themselves for figuring out that tough decision!

Victor is up on River Ridge, Shadyside’s token make out point. And you’ll never guess who’s up there with him. It’s… Pam! Just kidding, Shadyside boys are creeps, it’s totally Reva. They are making out, but Victor is whining about how he shouldn’t and how it’s not right. K Victor, no one is keeping you there! Reva is turned on… by how much of a loser Pam is. God, Reva is cold!

The next morning, Pres and Diane put their plan into action. Diane waits in the car while Pres attempts to outsmart Reva’s guard dog with bacon, but just ends up chloroforming it. Pres creeps into the house and spends a long time hanging out in Mr. Dalby’s room pretending to be a rich old man. Meanwhile, Diane is outside FREAKING out because Pres tripped the alarm and the police are on their way! Pres finally hears the police sirens and runs to grab Reva. Except, she’s not there! Pres runs out the house and jumps in the car so Diane can peel out right before the cops come around the corner. I guess they didn’t plan that one out as well as they thought!

Turns out Reva went into work early with her dad. She continues to terrorize the customers by spraying them with deodorant instead of perfume. Evil… I guess? Pam tells Reva that she’s in love with Victor and Reva thinks terrible thought about making out with him the night before. That’s okay Reva, Pres and Diane are busy thinking terrible thoughts about you! They’re super pissed that their first plan didn’t work, so they decide to grab her at home at night. Except, the police are still there! Well, duh, the richest man in Shadyside gets robbed? The cops are putting in some overtime. THEN they come up with a fool-proof plan. Grab her from the store early in the morning when they’re aren’t many people around! … I’m not sure they understand what “fool-proof” means.

They have to bring on Pres’s psycho brother Danny to help them. Pres and Diane will go inside the store, grab her and drag her to where Danny is waiting in the get away car. Pres thinks this is a bad idea because Danny is poor, and therefore insane. But he gets over it and agrees. Great Plan!

While Reva enjoys her morning muffin, she’s approached by a weird looking, poor couple. The girls loses her contact lens and asks for Reva’s help to find it. Predictably, Reva is like “tough luck, bitch” and continues eating her muffin. The man demands she help find it, and starts to drag her out from behind the counter. This “fool-proof” plan is then interrupted by Reva’s manager. The weird couple scatters. Yeah. Diane and Pres fucked it up again. When the couple get back to the get away car, Danny is complaining about his rage-headaches and threatens to kill Reva for messing up their plans. Hmmm, Danny, there are some people to blame, but I’m not sure if Reva is the one…

And we cut to Reva being a huge bitch on the phone with Pam. Pam calls her to tell her about her trouble with Victor (why?!) and how Victor broke a date and his little brother told her he was going on another date that night! Pam is really upset so Reva takes some time to gloat in her head. She tells Pam to watch out for Victor since he totally checked out Reva when they met, and he’s already broken two dates. Pam is all “How do you know he’s broken two dates?!” And Reva hangs up on her. But of course she does!

We find out that Pres has gotten himself arrested for beating some guy up and is now stuck in a detention center (is that what Americans call jail?) The only way to even get him out of there is to go through with the kidnapping. Diane and Danny decide to snatch Reva the following afternoon when she’s working in the stockroom. Danny is going to grab her since Reva has already seen Pres and Diane (which shouldn’t matter since Danny is going to be hiding. God these people are awful criminals!) Surprisingly however, they actually manage to kidnap Reva. Diane has some issues because a cop keeps telling her to move her car, and Danny has some issues with his rage-headaches. Well, at least it went off without a hitch right?

Yeah, Danny and Diane are really, really stupid. Diane goes to make the ransom phone call to Mr. Dalby and tells him that they have his daughter. Mr. Dalby is all “Um, no, Reva is right beside me!” Whoops! They kidnapped the wrong girl! And wouldn’t you know it, it’s Pam! Pam really needs to stop associating with that side of the family. Mr. Dalby refuses to pay the ransom for Pam, because he doesn’t negotiate with kidnappers. And because he cares more about his money than his niece. Shitty luck, Pam.

The next section is called: Another Kidnapping. Original there, R.L. Reva is talking to Victor who is super upset that Pam got kidnapped. He still has feelings for her! Reva gets upset that he’s not paying attention to her and reminds him that it could have been her instead of Pam! It kinda works because Victor offers to come over. Before he gets there though, Reva hears some squealing tires and looks out just in time to see Pam’s body dumped onto her driveway! Looks like someone’s date is ruined!

Pam is fortunately not dead. Victor shows up at Revas and Pam unquestioningly jumps into his arms. (You should really think this through Pam) Reva finally decides to call Pam’s parents. Where have they been!? I assumed Pam was a poor orphan this whole time. Pam invites Reva over to her family’s house for an old fashioned Christmas night. Reva must be feeling mighty guilty as she actually agrees to go, and then actually shows up!

Which is kinda unfortunate for Reva because she gets kidnapped, along with Pam in the front driveway. Pres got out of the detention center somehow, although it’s not explained, but he’s there! The kidnappers take the two girls to Dalby’s Department Store. They say it’s because it’s the last place anyone would look, but I know better. It’s because they’re fools, who can’t wait to get caught! They take the girls back behind Santa’s village on the fifth floor, and rage-aholic Danny breaks Reva’s arm because she’s mouthing off. I kinda don’t blame him…

Reva blacks out and comes to a little while later. Her and Pam are tied to chairs and the kidnappers go to make the ransom calls and leave them. When the kidnappers start to go, Pam is all “Untie me! You said if I brought you Reva you’d let me go!” Oooo Snap!! Turns out Pam made a deal with three ridiculously dumb devils. They let her go the first time in exchange for Pam handing over Reva. I don’t know why the fact they kidnapped Pam for a SECOND time didn’t tip her off, but maybe Pam’s a little slow too.

The kidnappers laugh at the ridiculousness of letting Pam go and leave. Pam confesses that she was so mad at Reva for taking Victor away she agreed to give her to the kidnappers. Reva’s all “Well, you’re poor, so that makes sense” and Pam goes “Yeah, they didn’t pay me. I hate you enough to do it for free!” But then Pam realizes she was wrong, and got suckered by a bunch of lunatic teenagers. So they forgive each other. Pam’s ropes are loose, so she manages to get them untied, and she unties Reva. The plot their big escape. Which consists of running out of the room, past their guards to safety. Foolproof!

The run out and a chase immediately ensues. Reva and Pam split up with Danny and Diane chasing Pam and Pres let to capture Reva. They manage to ditch their captors and run into each other. They head towards the elevators. Thank goodness Reva remembers they’re broken so when the doors open, they don’t get in; they just hide behind the elevators. Pres and Diane both leap into the elevator to try and catch the girls … and fall to their deaths.

Just kidding, that was a weird daydream of Reva’s. The elevator is actually fixed, and Pres and Diane realize the girls are still on the fifth floor. Pres and Diane run off to search and the girls decide to take the maybe broken elevator down. Instead of the stairs? Really? When the elevator doors open, a creepy man is standing their pointing a gun at them! Turns out he’s an FBI agent (There have been lots of those recently!) He runs off after Pres and Diane (leaving the girls alone, might I add) and Danny shows up behind the girls, gun in hand. He just wanted a nice Christmas, you know? We all do, Danny.

Pam turns out to be badass, and wrestles the rage-maniac with a gun to the floor. A fight ensues over the gun. Finally, Danny just gives up and is all, I’m getting outta here! He lumbers towards the elevator and leaps in. And this time actually falls to his death. These people need to stop leaping into elevators! The FBI captures Pres and Diane who are mildly distraught by the fact Danny just died. Only mildly though. The book ends with Victor sweeping up Pam in his arms and making out with her. Yeah. Why wouldn’t Pam want to get back with a winner like that?

Alright, this book was clearly awesome. Mostly because I love kidnapping shenanigans! I give this book 40 fake Santas out of 51.