Fear Street: 1978 or "Outhouses Are Not Good Places for Sexy Times"

The second movie of the Netflix Fear Street trilogy basically picks up where the first one left off. You need to watch these in order - it's all connected!

The camera pans through a super dated home as the radio plays the news of Shadyside's latest terror - the Mall Massacre, so we know we're in 1994. We meet a new character, who has some real issues re: locks and clocks. This woman lives in anxiety. She nearly vomits in fear when she's woken by desperate banging.

It's Deena and Josh, trying to break into her house. Mystery woman nearly knifes her, before Deena pleads for her to listen ... they called her! She was the survivor from the Camp Nightwing Massacre of 1978. They beg her to help them - they have a possessed Sam tied up in their truck, and mystery woman nearly faints, but eventually gives in to tell them her story. So they sit as she reminisces back to the old days ... at Camp Nightwing.

As one would expect from a camp set between Sunnyvale and Shadyside, things are fucked up. A girl flees through the woods, before being caught by a group of vicious teens. They string her up to the hanging tree, where Sarah Fier once dangled, and burn her arm.

Some councillors run in to intervene. Strung-up girl is Ziggy, a Shadysider camper with a chip on her shoulder and a laundry list of strikes against her. She is nearly expelled from camp, but one of the councillors speaks up for her - it's Nick Goode, potentially evil future sheriff of Shadyside. He expects gratitude from her, she tells him to go fuck himself. I like Ziggy.

Her older sister Cindy is an uptight councillor with control issues, desperately trying to get the outhouses clean. She has a Shadysider boyfriend Tommy who tries to get sexy with her. No. Outhouses are not good places for sexy times.

She goes to find the other Shadyside councillors, and walks in on them graphically banging while smoking joints. Cindy nearly has an aneurism as Alice, the girl, taunts her. Clearly they have history.

Ziggy goes to the camp nurse to get treatment for her burn. The infirmary is empty and Ziggy finds a journal with all kinds of information about Sarah Fier and the Shadyside curse, including stuff about the most recent Shadyside serial killer, Ruby Land. And Nurse Lane comes in, and we realize she was Ruby's mother. And has researched the curse non-stop since it took her daughter. And is pretty intense about it.

Ziggy and Cindy have a massive fight - these sisters could not be more opposite, and Ziggy is so bitter it's epic. She accuses Cindy of trying to get out of Shadyside by being perfect, but joke's on her because no one gets out of Shadyside.

An aside, but I love these clothes so much. '70s camp clothes = style goals. Also, where do I get the playlist?

Cindy and Tommy are still cleaning when Nurse Lane comes into the mess hall with a big ass knife. She apologizes to Tommy, saying she can't save him, but she might be able to save others, since his name is on the wall. One way or another, he's going to die that night. He fights her off, but everyone is freaking out.

Cindy obsesses over the reason Nurse Lane snapped, so that evening while the campers are playing colour wars (Sunnyvale vs. Shadyside, of course), Cindy and Tommy break into the infirmary to go through Nurse Lane's stuff for answers. Alice and her boyfriend Arnie also break in, to steal drugs. They read Nurse Lane's creepy journal about Sarah Fier. She emerged from the meeting room missing one hand. Though she was hung and buried, without her hand her grip on the land will remain forever. When she is near, blood will fall, and the curse will last until body and hand are reunited. Lane also has a map of the camp, which is right over the old Shadyside settlement from 1666. It shows where Sarah Fier's house was, so they decide to explore. In the dark they stumble over graves. They realize Nurse Lane has been digging holes, trying to uncover Sarah Fier's hand!

Nick Goode tries to befriend Ziggy, helping her come up with a plan to bring down one of her tormentors. She starts to soften towards him. Not evil sheriff?

Councillors go into the ruins of Sarah Fier's home, and the witch's lair is amazingly terrifying. Tommy looks unwell. They see a light from beyond her fireplace; when they crawl through, they find a flame lit within carved markings on the ground - the witch's mark! Someone's been there recently. Names are carved into the wall, centuries' worth of Shadyside serial killers. Underneath Ruby Lane, a new one has been added: Thomas Slater. Tommy!

Oh my god, he has an axe. I just remembered about the man with the giant axe in the last movie. Oh god, he just axed Arnie in the head, that's not pretty. Alice and Cindy flee deeper into the caverns, Tommy right behind them. But a cave-in stops him from getting them. Now the girls are stuck in the cave, and he's free to murder campers. Tommy goes straight for the sweet nerd camper. No, don't kill him! This is very upsetting.

Meanwhile, Ziggy and Nick are having shenanigans. They lure Ziggy's tormentor into the outhouse on the promise of sexy times (again, outhouses aren't sexy. Am I wrong about this?), then cover her in spiders and cockroaches and lock her in. They flee to the camp's - I want to say vivarium? Reptile house? - giggling, and proceed to have a very cute kiss.

Down in the caverns, Cindy and Alice are not getting along. Cindy still refuses to believe in the witch's curse, while both me and Alice think she's delusional. Cindy storms away but marches around in a circle - they are super stuck down there. Until Cindy realizes the caverns are shaped like the witch's mark and they can follow it like a map.

At the centre they find - oh god, I don't know, a pulsating, fly-covered organ? Dear god, don't touch it! But Alice does, and hallucinates victims of the Shadyside killers, and she's surrounded by pilgrims missing their eyes. She freaks out and horrifically breaks her ankle, gross.

Murdered camper has been found. All councillors still alive are trying to track down the campers still playing colour wars, while Nick is being all manly and protective with Ziggy. Then she remembers she'd locked a girl in the outhouses and runs to get her.

Cindy finally gets tough and splints Alice's horrific break with a comb, confessing she had narc'ed on Alice back in middle school because she wanted to get out of town. The friends reunite, ready to take on the gd witch.

Then there is just so much graphic axe murdering. I found this upsetting: stop killing kids, goddammit! I'm not a horror film aficionado, but there's a reason why this is so disturbing. Fear Street 1978 broke a very basic rule of horror movies: thou shall not harm innocents. Jason, who Tommy is fashioned after, never hurt a child. But Tommy does! It's stomach-turning. Also, I didn't realize this until later, but only Shadysiders are murdered ...

Ziggy lets her tormentor out, then hears her sister underneath her. Alice and Cindy are under the outhouses. They try to climb up, and I know this isn't important to the story, but this is really gross. And then Tommy comes in and decapitated one of the councillors and the body falls into the cavern.

Nick and Ziggy hide from Tommy in the reptile house. Nick is stabbed saving Ziggy.

Alice and Cindy find a clue that Sarah's hand laid to rest on the stone right in front of them, and then emerged from the meeting hall - which is now the mess hall. Cindy follows the map to find the mess hall.

Tommy follows Ziggy into the mess hall, and that's where they all meet. Ziggy tries to trap Tommy in the pantry and stabs him, but he's too strong. As he strangles her, she wraps a burlap sack around his head - and now he's Burlap Head! Cindy jumps in, stabbing her boyfriend repeatedly until he is dead.

Alice emerges from hole, bearing the hand of Sarah Fier! All they have to do is put the hand with the body, and this nightmare will be over. Sarah was buried under the hanging tree, so they have all the pieces right there!

But then Ziggy gets a nosebleed all over the bones of the hand, triggering the curse. Shit, Burlap Head is going to come back, isn't he?

Now, wtf is the pulsing grossness? Oh, that's where the former serial killers are regenerated, and I think I'm going to puke.

Alice is so ready to end all of this, until Tommy revives and murders her. Sad, Alice was awesome.

Ziggy and Cindy run to the hanging tree and start digging like mad, as the serial killers surround them. I don't know who's the most disturbing. Ruby Lane is terrifying, the deformed child in a mask with a bat is also. The grinning deranged milkman is not my favourite. They find Sarah's grave, but her body isn't there. They look at each other, realizing it's over.

Tommy gets to Cindy and starts hacking into her, as the deranged milkman stabs Ziggy. I found this scene so disturbing. The sisters are looking at each other as these men violate and destroy their bodies, and it is so visceral. They die under the hanging tree, and the killers disappear.

But then Nick somehow survives and resuscitates Ziggy. She's taken away in a stretcher, and nobody believes her, maybe not even Nick. Although he clearly stayed close to protect her? And now here she is, 16 years later, crazy lady living behind a wall of locks and alarms.

Deena and Josh realize they have all the items they need, if they can get Sarah Fier's hand. It was left buried under the hanging tree, which is now ... the centre of Shadyside Mall's food course. Of course it is, all roads lead back here. They unearth the skeletal hand.

Deena gets to the woods where Sarah's body is, and reunites hand with body. Her nose starts bleeding, something that happens when the witch is near.

Then ... Deena is pulled into the past, and she's in Sarah Fier's body!

I am SO excited to watch the next movie, which will presumably give us all the details on how Sarah Fier went evil! Stay tuned ...

Return to Fear Street: You May Now Kill the Bride, or "Fear Street Meets Twilight Zone and They Have a Delightful Love Child"

 

Hello Fear Street lovers! Watching the spooky Fear Street trilogy on Netflix has inspired AM and I to recap more Fear Streets, and as it happens, there are three newer books we've never read. Hooray!

Now, obviously our recaps of Fear Street will be finite, because there's only so many of these RL can pump out, but don't fret because we have other content out there. I am in the process of compiling a list of witchy book reviews at my website Cordelia Kelly. I you love books about witches as much as I do (and I love them a lot), then you should check it out at: Book Reviews But Make it Witchy!

Now, back to Fear Street, and the first in the new line of Return to Fear Street: You May Now Kill the Bride. Ooh, a book about weddings? I’m immediately curious – how old are these characters? Fear Streets (the books, not the movies ahem), rarely have any romantic interactions beyond a chaste nacho-flavoured peck on the lips. And now we’re talking marriage? I think the only wedding in a Fear Street until now was a disturbing child bride scenario in Bad Moonlight.

Part One

Ruth-Ann Fear is being strangled from behind by Peter Goodman. Oh, no, wait, this is sexy strangling, so it’s okay. Dear lord. It’s only page 1!

It’s 1923. We know this because Ruth-Ann Fear just got her hair bobbed, and they say “the bee’s knees” a lot. RA always comes in second to her perfect older sister Rebecca, who gets absolutely everything, including cute boy Nelson Swift. But Peter is RA’s boy she caught all on her own. RA actually thinks that he’s kinda dumpy, so he’s perfect for her! Unfortunately, Rebecca doesn’t want RA to date Peter for some reason, which makes RA angry. So she deals with her anger in a secret Fear attic full of secrets. Well, that can’t be good.

RA inherited the Fear family spellbook – and also being evil, apparently. She casts a spell, dancing naked in candlelight while delighting in her ability to control people. Except … her powers didn’t work out all that well because Peter (who she magicked into loving her) decides to go for perfect Rebecca instead. Damn!

One year later, it’s Peter and Rebecca’s wedding. It is happening on a mountaintop in Colorado, where the Fears apparently own property. Nelson Swift, Rebecca’s former boyfriend, shows up to make a scene. RA herself is pretty calm; she feels like she’s over it.

When it’s time to kiss the bride, Peter lifts Rebecca into his arms, kisses her, and with a blank look on his face, throws her off the cliff. Ooh, didn’t see that coming. Was Peter under the control of someone else? Or murdering of his own volition. Which of the suspects is truly evil? Peter, RA or Nelson?

Obviously, the murder results in complete pandemonium. RA’s father blames her. He knows about the attic; she was so obvious with her witchy spells. In fury, RA breaks free, runs, and also plummets over the cliff.

And the evildoer was … Peter! He was actually Peter GOODE, longtime enemies of the Fears, who continues the cycle of hate by murdering the Fear daughters.

Part Two

Cut to modern times, on the same mountaintop in Colorado. We have a bunch of new Fears: Harmony, with her perfect older sister Marissa. Hmm, I’m seeing some connections here.

But Harmony also has a twin, Robby, whose sole characteristic is apparently obsessed with his girlfriend Nikki Parker, who is referred to as shallow and dumb. Harmony is way too boy-crazy to settle on one guy, while Robby is a shy nerd.

Marissa is about to marry Doug, a humourless bull nobody likes. Their obnoxious Uncle Kenny tells obnoxious jokes at the rehearsal dinner, then starts to vomit chicken feathers. It’s probably a bad idea to piss off the Fears; you never know what kind of crap they’re going to do to you. At the rehearsal itself, everyone is attacked by zombie squirrels. You know, normal wedding stuff.

Old Grandpa Bud calls out Harmony – apparently, she’s taken up the mantle of family evil and casts minor spells. He accuses her of wanting to disrupt Marissa’s big day and warns her off.

In a huff, Harmony goes to the bar to pick up guys, but that’s when she sees Aiden, Marissa’s former boyfriend and the REAL love of her life.

Flashback to Aiden stuff: He was the college boyfriend Marissa was never supposed to have. She brings him home for Thanksgiving, despite not breaking things off with her high school guy, Doug. Everyone is confused, except for Harmony, who immediately lusts after him. Marissa warns Harmony off.

But Harmony doesn’t listen. She’s drinking beer with her friends and decides to do a little woodworking, as one does. Somehow Aiden ends up in the basement with her, and she tries to make out with him. He turns her down, but then there is a horrific cabinet-making accident where drunk Harmony runs a drill through his hand. Aiden, who had plans to be a surgeon, was significantly upset.

Back in the present, Harmony tracks Aiden down, speaking to several hotel workers to wiggle out his room number. She demands to know why he’s there. Predictably, since she mangled his hand, he doesn’t want to talk to her.

The following day, the bride can’t be found. Her hotel room is empty, with only a note for Harmony: DON’T LOOK FOR ME.

Part Three

Everyone is frantic, and the wedding is called off. Harmony goes looking for Aiden, only the hotel room he was in the night before is occupied by someone else. Most of the hotel workers she spoke to didn’t actually work there. Hmmm.

She’s confused until she sees a photo of the hotel staff from 1924 – the people she spoke to were in that photo! She’s even more confused now, but I am jazzed – this concept is kinda cool, a twilight zone time warp, I’m into it. Harmony thinks she’s losing it.

Part Four

There is a search to see if they can find Marissa, who has completely disappeared from the face of the earth. They do a helicopter search and find a body … only it is Taylor, Marissa’s best friend. The Fear family is falling apart; Mom is spiralling and drinking until she’s catatonic. Dad stays in Colorado to help with the search while everyone else goes home. Robby accuses Harmony of wanting to destroy Marissa’s wedding and calls her evil.

In a weird subplot, Robby goes to see his girlfriend Nikki, but her Mom says she’s gone camping and not to call her. Robby calls anyways, and Nikki answers, telling him she’s at home. When he’s like – you clearly are not – she hangs up and ghosts him.

Harmony is Facetiming with her Dad, who is sitting in the lobby of the Colorado hotel. Over his shoulder, Marissa appears and looks straight at Harmony. But when Dad turns around, she’s gone. Ooh, cool, Facetiming ghosts just gave me the creeps. Totally loving the vibe of this book; with the hotel, it reminds me of something a bit old-school like The Shining or Tower of Terror (which I realize is a ride, but still). I actually got goosebumps, and I’m loving this.

Harmony immediately heads back to Colorado. In the hotel, she hears her sister in the room next door! She tricks the night manager into letting her in, but there is no one there. But when she sneaks in later, she finds Marissa! She’s having a girl gab with Rebecca and RA. They all confirm that they are indeed dead. 

Right here - this is where the book hit its best part, I think. This is all cool. But things sort of unravel, with loosely wrapped up plot points and a rushed ending. But lots of points for this neato plot. Might I even say it's the bee's knees?

The ghosts explain. There is a curse on the Fears and the Goodes that they can never marry. Because Peter Goode actually married Rebecca, he set the curse in motion. So the Fears are doomed to haunt the hotel for eternity. And Marissa was killed by Aiden, who is out for revenge. He’s been working with Nikki, his actual girlfriend, who he met at the Thanksgiving of terror. I’m confused about how he ended up being in the other time, though?

Harmony needs to make things right. She’s been researching some spells in this and can go back in time, and she stops the original wedding from ever taking place. Rebecca and RA are no longer trapped in the hotel, and Harmony ends up in a staff photo from 1924, then goes back to real-time and saves the day.

I really enjoyed the setup. I was impressed by the nuanced connections between the two times, nearly a century apart, and felt like a really cool world had been established. The end was rushed and confused and ended kinda like a typical Fear Street, which was okay. I wasn’t really sure what to expect from these new Fear Streets and was pleasantly surprised. I give this 7 haunted hotels out of 11.

Fear Street Part One: 1994 or "No One Was Ready for the Meat Grinder"

Okay so, unlike L.K., I didn't take any notes. I have a newborn and didn’t think I could completely devote myself to a Fear Street movie series like I could have before.  But I wrote this down the next day before I forgot.  Just like old times - writing a recap completely based on my terrible memory! It's actually pretty long, but mostly just ramblings.

First thing to know: I don’t like horror movies. I’m okay with slasher flicks (love a classic 90s Scream movie) but I haaaate paranormal/ghost movies. So after the first scene, which is very Scream-y, I said out loud “Oh good, it’s a slasher movie!”  Readers, I could not have been more wrong. What followed was the most bat-shit crazy movie full of horrifying paranormal stuff, with a huge amount of gore thrown in. It was truly an on-point homage to Fear Street: Insane and grotesque. I both loved and hated it. Let’s get to my vague memories!

• Starts with a massacre in a 90s mall (did they use the same mall as Stranger Things? Google says no, but The Watchmen and Zombieland 2 were recently filmed there!). The killer wears a skull mask and stalks the few people left in the mall after closing. Brutal, gory killings which ends with the teen murderee, ripping off the killer's mask to reveal her friend, who is immediately shot in the head by a security guard or maybe a cop, I forgot. Could have used him earlier, either way.

• Cut to: intros of our main characters, Deena, and Josh, siblings with absentee parents. Deena is mega upset about a recent breakup with Sam, and Josh is a computer geek. Got it

• So the girl that was murdered at the mall last night (Heather) went to Deena’s school. Deena arrives at school and is greeted by the most CALLOUS high school students of all time. While there is a little locker shrine, these kids are TERRIBLE. There are a lot of jokes about murder and the curse of Sarah Fier, a witch from the 17th century. Which actually tracks really well from the Fear Street books. Those kids were always so strange about the murders happening in their town. 

• We meet the other main characters, Kate and Simon, who are delightfully weird and sell drugs to other kids in the hopes of leaving town after graduation (if you have read enough Fear Street, I think you know that’s a big ol’ red flag)

• They go to a football game in another town and Deena confronts Sam - who is a GIRL!? I do not believe an LGBQT character appeared in any of the original Fear Street books so this was a pleasant departure from canon! In any case, they get into an argument. On the bus ride back to their town, Sam and her ultra-jock boyfriend follow the Shadyside bus and throw stuff at it - sure.  Deena and her friend open the emergency exit and are holding a giant cooler of ice out the door… then Deena gets a nosebleed. This distracts her, and she throws the cooler on the windshield of the car, which then crashes. She’s horrified but like… what was her plan? Weren’t they going to throw it anyways?

• Anyways, Sam gets out of the car all woozy with a *nosebleed*. She wipes her blood on the ground and gets these crazy flashes of red, and scenes of a witch. Very spooky! Deena comes to check on her and the police come, yada yada yada.

• We decided that the police chief looks like an older BJ Novak, and is very useless, just like in the books! Love the continuity. 

• The next day, Deena and Josh are home alone (sidenote: there are almost no parents in this movie, which was also very on-point for Fear Street. Let these teens run wild!). They see the skull guy from the massacre outside, but assume it’s Sam’s new boyfriend trying to scare them because he’s a dick.They decide to go to the hospital to confront Sam about her shitty boyfriend (his name doesn’t matter).

• Sam is pissed to see Deena there and tells her that her shitty boyfriend has been there all night. Shitty BF arrives just then, and is almost immediately stabbed from behind! He dies, and the girls take off with the skull killer chasing after them. They see he’s murdered a bunch of people, and in a fight, Deena rips off his mask to see… it’s the same mass murdered from the night before! But now he’s dead with a bullethole in his forehead. So that’s weird.

• My recollection gets fuzzy here. Deena and Sam go to the police station and Kate, Simon and Josh steal an ambulance at some point. Incompetent sheriff/police chief doesn’t believe the girls (and somehow they haven’t heard about the second massacre at the hospital?! There were so many people who should have/could have called it in. He killed like two nurses. What about literally any other doctors/nurses/patients? None of them called 911??).  Anyways, the girls leave, and Deena steals one of the cops’ guns.

• Which was good because Simon wandered off from the ambulance (WHY?) and is attacked by a creepy teen girl singing a real creepy old-timey song. Deena shoots her in the back/head, but she just regenerates, and they realize they are in deep shit. 

• Josh is obsessed with all the mass murders of Shadyside (who wouldn’t be?), and realizes that was the zombie of a mass murder from ‘63. He tells them all about the other mass murders in a truly horrifying cut scene (“Deformed child bashes heads in” I think was one of the newspaper headlines). Josh puts it together: Sarah Fier possesses people every so often to commit mass murder. Sam bled on Sarah Fier’s grave the night before with her nosebleed of doom, and this disturbed her. They decide to go back to her grave to… I'm not sure what.  

• Anyways, when they get there, they discover her bones essentially lying underneath a small layer of fluff and attempt to rebury her and whisper “sorry”, haha. This shockingly doesn’t work and a NEW mass murderer, the Killer from Camp Nightwing (hello movie part 2!) charges out of the forest to kill them. Except he runs past Josh, and goes straight for Sam. 

• Side note: I enjoyed how each of the killers had their own creepy stalk. Skull Killer has the quick walk of 90s slasher killers, 60s girl does that broken-down doll walk, and Camp Killer just fucking all out runs (which is the scariest, obviously).

• They put it together that the killers are just hunting for Sam and her blood. They decide to set a trap which was admittedly pretty cool! For unknown reasons, they go to the school, where they smear Sam’s blood on the floor in trails to the bathroom. 

• Before the killers find them, all of them need to clean Sam’s blood off themselves so they won’t be tracked too. This leads to a steamy sex scene between Sam and Deena, a weird kiss between Kate and Josh, and Simon pleasuring himself in a bathroom. Gotta respect Simon’s stamina. 

• Once all three killers conveniently wait until the teens are done getting off and arrive, they follow the blood into a bathroom. Once in, the other kids light the bathroom on fire. It works! The three killers explode into goo. Which is weird? Doesn’t seem like how fire normally works. 

• But it doesn’t actually work, and the three regenerate from goo. Kate and Simon decide that they’ve tried enough stuff and want to throw Sam out to the killers. Deena is obviously upset but Sam agrees. But then! They discover that there was a survivor from the Camp Nightwing. The only way for Sam to survive is for her to die...and be brought back. Since she’s already given up on surviving, she’s into it. 

• They go to Simon’s workplace, a supermarket, and Simon and Kate put their drug dealing knowledge to good use! They give her a bunch of pills and the order to take them in, and set off to distract the killers while Deena helps Sam die then hopefully revives her with some epi-pens.  It’s...a plan.

• Josh, Kate and Simon are chased around the store by the different killers. Kate is caught first by the Skull Killer who stabs her and then SHOVES HER HEAD THROUGH A MEAT GRINDER. Holy shit was I not prepared for that. I know that Fear Street murders are pretty gruesome (hand in garburator, face being ripped off, etc.) but we just read those! Very different to WATCH the horrificness. Ugh. Also, we all knew poor Kate was going to die. She was too callous about death, and also had “big plans”. Never dream big in a horror film, guys. 

• Then Simon suddenly is axed in the head by Camp Killer. It was also gruesome and horrifying! I did expect him to die too, but not quite so back-to-back with Kate. 

• Deena and Sam are disturbed by one of the killers and Sam doesn’t take all her death pills. (note: she’s attempting to swallow like 30 pills at a time DRY. Couldn’t stop thinking about that. There must be bottled water everywhere there).  Deena has a better plan, and shoves her lover’s head into a lobster tank until she drowns. Jesus.

• It happened at a good time though, because Josh was about to be taken out by the Skull Killer and Camp Killer was running down the girls as well. The killers just disappear.

• Josh and Deena thankfully revive Sam, and the incompetent police come. They blame Kate and Simon’s murders on their drug dealing ways, saying that tweakers killed them. Harsh.

• Also, I forget when this happened, but incompetent police chief goes to someone’s broken down house and slips a note in their door: “It’s Happening Again”. So he’s this incompetent WITH background knowledge? Dude. 

• Sam and Deena are all loved up the next day when Deena gets a call from the woman that survived the Camp Nightwing massacre. She basically says it will never end and Sam will always be hunted by Sarah Fier. Deena looks up to see that Sam is in front of her… and has brutally stabbed her with a broken drumstick! The girls fight and Deena wrassles her up in the telephone cord. Deena gets Josh to come help and they both look down on an obviously possessed Sam writhing to get free and kill them. Deena promises her that she’ll “get her back” and the movie ends. 

• What! 

• Since the other two movies go back in time, I’m assuming we get no more resolution than that. 

• But, again, pretty on-point for Fear Street. R.L. LOVED a good ending jump-scare with zero resolution and a million questions to be answered. 

I don’t think I have too many questions but there were some things I loved. 

• Loved Simon - excellent random boy character and I would watch a full movie just about him, although he had way too much chest hair for a teen boy (he’s 21 in real life, so I guess just a hairy guy).

• Loved that the teens didn’t look too old - they looked pretty high-schooly.

• Loved Deena’s nose - so perfect! 

• Loved that the opening scene was in a bookstore, and they had all the Fear Street books on display, written by a “Robert Lawrence”. So 90s! 

• So these movies were actually supposed to be released in theatres, one at a time, with a month between them. That would have been super cool, although I’m glad I didn’t have to go to a theatre and watch this - a bit embarrassing to be a grown woman peeking through my fingers in public. 

• Legit don’t know if I will be able to watch the other two. I definitely stayed up an extra hour or so, just reading happy things, and waiting for my husband to be ready for bed so I didn’t have to go to sleep alone. Will L.K. be on her own for the rest? Probably not. But we’ll have to see if I have any nightmares!

Final Score: 21 dry pills swallowed out of 30

Fear Street: 1994, or "Normal Bitches Don't Bleed Black Blood"

Hey guys. It's been a long time. I thought we were done with Fear Street. But every time I think I'm out, R. L. Stine pulls me back in …

It wasn't that long ago that somebody shared with me a Fear Street movie on Netflix. My initial reaction was, of course, you're joking, but turns out, not only is there a Fear Street movie on Netflix, there are THREE Fear Street movies on Netflix.

Of course, A.M. and I immediately decided we needed to have a movie party. We didn't watch all three movies, don't be ridiculous; we're super old now and have kids and stuff. Just sitting down for the length of an entire film is a luxury I haven't taken in years, so that was amazing. Together with a friend, we watched Fear Street Part One: 1994.

As the music started, I had a horrible thought. The thing is, I am a wimp when it comes to horror movies. Hocus Pocus is about as scary as I like to go. What was I about to watch? "Wait, is this movie scary?" I was reminded it was a horror movie. "Yeah, but like, Fear Street horror, right?" Fear Streets rarely scare me. Except sometimes.

I might be a lousy radar for this, but the answer is yeah. Like, pretty effing scary. Another question I had was: Is this going to be gory? 6 minutes 35 seconds in pretty much answered that. So buckle up; this was one hell of a ride. 

I haven't recapped anything in years, so I decided to take notes. I'm such a good student, right? Except all my notes look like this: Good Music! Old BJ Novak! Oh god, this is so disturbing. I am so scared. At one point, I wrote: NOOOOOOOOOO, meat slicer! It was like a stream of consciousness Blair Witch Project.

Just be aware, all of the spoilers are in here, so if you haven't watched yet, go do that first!

The opening scene starts at Shadyside Mall, and already I feel like I am back in my childhood, with the one crappy town mall. Heather is working in the bookstore there, and she is one disenfranchised youth. There is some amazing attention to detail – all the books on the shelves were from that year. A woman buys a Fear Street book (The Wrong Number) and calls it trash!

While closing up, Heather is drinking an Orange Julius. Is Orange Julius still a thing? I don't think I've had one since 1994. She's sorta flirting with the guy from the costume shop. Ryan, I want to say? Let's go with Ryan because half the boys from the '90s were named Ryan. And he seems normal, except a spider is crawling on his neck, which is not normal at all.

Cue creepy music and building tension, and then Heather is chased down by a creep in a skull mask and a big fucking knife. Then … massacre. She pulls away his mask to unveil Ryan, who was her friend up to a few minutes ago.

The opening credits are insane and brilliant. I think I'm into this movie.

We go to angry Garbage playing while Deena scrawls out a hate note to someone named Sam. Oh my goodness, I'm getting Elisha Dushka vibes from her. Does anyone else immediately think "Faith"? Also, comment if you know what the hell I'm talking about.

Sheriff Nick Goode! The struggle between the Goodes and the Fiers (aka the Fears) is Fear Street canon! PLEASE tell me this is going to be the basis for the movies. So, Nick Goode is evil, right? Also, tell me he doesn't look like an older BJ Novak.*

*Double checks Nick Goode is not, in fact, BJ Novak doing some weird career thing. Discovers actor playing Nick Goode is younger than BJ Novak. Also younger than self.

Flash to Deena's younger brother, Josh, huddled over his computer on an AOL chatroom, going over the conspiracy theories of Shadyside's history of mass murders. Every fifteen years or so, there is another serial killer. Each of them is suspected of being possessed by the spirit of Sarah Fier, the one-handed witch … Ryan is only her newest victim.

Nirvana, Sophie B. Hawkins, this music is amazing. Have I kareoked to Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover? More times than I can remember.

Okay, so in school, the mass murder at the mall the night before, which included the horrific murder of one of their classmates, is treated as entertainment by the students of Shadyside High. Does no one care? Massacres are not fun? This is super disturbing. Deena's friends shove her into the bathroom, where they creepily recite a rhyme about Sarah Fier: 

She reaches from beyond the grave

To make good men her wicked slaves

She'll take your blood, she'll take your head

She'll follow you until you're dead

Simon, typical stoner, and Kate, overachieving drug dealer, think it's funny. But Deena reminds them that every Shadysider is cursed. Nobody gets out of the town.

That night is a football game between Shadyside and Sunnyvale. Ooh, Sunnyvale is the rich neighbouring town, where people are going places. Classic struggle between rich and poor. Sunnyvalers imply Shadysiders deserve to be murdered on the regular; Shadysiders threaten to share some of that murder around.

A full-scale riot during the candlelight vigil is underway when Deena spots a couple making out – a generic jock type with a cute blonde cheerleader. Is that Sam? He seems rather vanilla for Deena's obsessive teen angst, but you know. We were all there once.

Deena's moping outside the stands when Sam comes to find her, and … Sam is the cute cheerleader! I didn't see that coming. We've always said there was never an LGBTQ character in Fear Street, but the 2020s have finally updated the series! Also, I'm way more into this coupling, and it all makes sense. Deena calls out Sam for moving to Sunnyvale and pretending to be straight to get by in the world.

After the game, Sam's vapid boyfriend follows the Shadyside bus, honking and wearing a skull mask, which is super inappropriate. Sam looks extremely uncomfortable next to him. Deena goes berserk and starts to throw a water cooler out the back of the bus at them. Her nose starts bleeding, and the cooler is thrown of its own volition. The car goes off the road into the woods. 

Sam crawls from the car, bleeding and has creepy visions. Oh, man, is Sam going to be possessed? Everyone tries to help Sam, and she vomits blood everywhere. Things are not going well.

The next night, Deena and Josh are being stalked by a creep in a skull mask. Across the street, Kate and Simon are babysitting, and Kate uses her charges to count and baggie pills for her. I love her. I love that she uses My So-Called Life as a reward. Whatever happened to My So-Called Life, besides Jared Leto becoming a bit creepy? Is it streaming somewhere? I wonder how it held up … The problem with these fab '90s references is that I keep on falling down rabbit holes…

The Skull face creep is also stalking Kate and Simon and is smelling their laundry? This is weird. Everyone is on edge, and Kate brings the twins she's sitting over to the neighbour. This is, like, the first grown-up in the show. They decide to go to the hospital and confront Sam because it must be her boyfriend creeping them.

Kate, of course, has contacts at the hospital, as in, her supplier. But he gets them in to see Sam. Nerdy Josh is in love with Kate and impresses her with his drink machine hacking tricks.

Sam's boyfriend has been at the hospital the whole time. After some subtle oral sex entendres, boyfriend is knifed down by Skull Face. Chaos ensues. Are there no adults in this town? Zero adults is so classic Fear Street. Oh no, wait, they're all murdered. Our intrepid group steals an ambulance and goes to the Sheriff's Department.

Sheriff Nick Goode mocks them, then a constable throws them out with such a misogynistic insult I actually gasped: "Go find your boyfriends. Tell them you need to relax!" But, in the meantime, Deena stole his gun, so it's cool. Good police work, all around. And I'm convinced Nick Goode is Sheriff Motherfucking Evil.

At this point, the horror rackets up to a new level, as Simon finds a girl singing weirdly in a deserted street. Wtf is this terrifying girl. He just has enough time to process the ghoulish scars on her face before she goes after him with a switchblade. Holy shit. She has him down on the ground, about to slash his throat when Deena shoots her through the eye. Normal bitches don't bleed black blood. As they flee terrifying girl, she starts singing again as her eye regenerates.

Josh, who knows all the conspiracy theories, recognizes her as Ruby Lane, the Shadyside Killer 30 years ago. He explains about the repetitive mass murderers in Shadyside, how they are possessed by Sarah Fier. Now that they've seen for real that dead people are after them, the rest of the group are fast believers. They figure out that Sam disturbed the witch's grave when she bled all over the forest, so the witch is after her. Specifically, her blood, which they are all covered in thanks to last night's vomit fest. They unearth her body, and at that point, they realize all of her serial killers through the ages are coming for them.

Oh my god, now an axe-killer whose face is wrapped in burlap is after them. Holy shit. Everyone is going to die. They get to the ambulance, but for sure, everyone is going to die. Oh no, the dead serial killers just want Sam as the initial grave disturber. They set a trap, using Sam as bait, to get all the killers in one place.

They decontaminate from Sam's blood, and as they do so, they all have teenage sexy times. Kate doesn't want to be alone and asks Josh to inspect her for blood spatter; meanwhile, Deena and Sam have an intense makeout session. Also, Simon has one last hurrah with himself. The movies are much sexier than the Fear Street books ever were. Also, Deena and Sam have such heart. I want them to make it so badly!

So, they're in the school, and they set a trap to blow up the bad guys. And it works like a charm! After a horrifying chase scene, Sam crawls through a vent, trapping Skull Face, Ruby Lane, and Burlap Head in the bathroom, where they've built a bomb. And the three blow up with a screech. No time to celebrate, though; they immediately begin to regenerate in the most horrifying way possible. My nightmares thank you for that image.

Apparently, the dead serial killers aren't going to stop until Sam is dead. She bravely starts to sacrifice herself, but then Josh discovers that one person survived the last massacre … by dying, then being revived. They come up with a new plan. They also try to call the last survivor, but there is no answer.

Sheriff Nick Goode being shifty, writes someone a note that "it's happening again."

The new plan is they go to the grocery store, where they raid the pharmacy for pills. Kate and Simon have all the knowledge they need for what Sam needs to take to die, plus a gazillion EpiPens to come back to life. Then Sam starts swallowing. Only, they didn't give her any water? Why are they forcing her to dry swallow these horse pills? This is the most horrifying part of the movie.

Serial killers break up the party, and everyone scatters. There is a lingering shot on the meat slicer in the deli, and my stomach bottoms out. IN HIS BOOKS, R. L. Stine would write about really creative, gruesome deaths; see here. But they're not going to actually do that on film, are they?

Cue me with my hands tight to my eyes, screaming: NOOOOOOOO! Guys, they fucking went there. I knew it when the camera panned to a side shot of the meat slicer. You could see what someone looked like going in … and coming out. I fucking knew it. Good god, that is the most gruesome thing I've ever contemplated.

The stoner and the overachiever don't make it. Josh is about to be knifed, so Deena goes and drowns her girlfriend in the lobster tank. As soon as Sam dies, serial killers disappear. A sobbing Deena begs her brother for help as she stabs Sam over and over with EpiPens, trying to get her heart to start. She finally starts CPR, and Sam chokes and wakes up. Yay! Except for Kate and Simon, that's sad.

Deena and Sam agree they have to blame everything on Kate and Simon, even if it's actually tragic that two people who wanted so badly to get out of this cursed town were killed so epically. Deena makes an excellent speech about it. And Sam agrees she's going to come out and be Deena's girlfriend. They're cuddling that night when Deena gets a phone call – from the survivor of the last massacre. She tells her it's never over. That's when Sam stabs Deena …

Holy shit, guys, I thought this was too scary for me, but it turns out I have to know what happens. I give Fear Street: 1994 eight meat slicers out of nine. Stay tuned for the next recap …