Fear Street: 1994, or "Normal Bitches Don't Bleed Black Blood"

Hey guys. It's been a long time. I thought we were done with Fear Street. But every time I think I'm out, R. L. Stine pulls me back in …

It wasn't that long ago that somebody shared with me a Fear Street movie on Netflix. My initial reaction was, of course, you're joking, but turns out, not only is there a Fear Street movie on Netflix, there are THREE Fear Street movies on Netflix.

Of course, A.M. and I immediately decided we needed to have a movie party. We didn't watch all three movies, don't be ridiculous; we're super old now and have kids and stuff. Just sitting down for the length of an entire film is a luxury I haven't taken in years, so that was amazing. Together with a friend, we watched Fear Street Part One: 1994.

As the music started, I had a horrible thought. The thing is, I am a wimp when it comes to horror movies. Hocus Pocus is about as scary as I like to go. What was I about to watch? "Wait, is this movie scary?" I was reminded it was a horror movie. "Yeah, but like, Fear Street horror, right?" Fear Streets rarely scare me. Except sometimes.

I might be a lousy radar for this, but the answer is yeah. Like, pretty effing scary. Another question I had was: Is this going to be gory? 6 minutes 35 seconds in pretty much answered that. So buckle up; this was one hell of a ride. 

I haven't recapped anything in years, so I decided to take notes. I'm such a good student, right? Except all my notes look like this: Good Music! Old BJ Novak! Oh god, this is so disturbing. I am so scared. At one point, I wrote: NOOOOOOOOOO, meat slicer! It was like a stream of consciousness Blair Witch Project.

Just be aware, all of the spoilers are in here, so if you haven't watched yet, go do that first!

The opening scene starts at Shadyside Mall, and already I feel like I am back in my childhood, with the one crappy town mall. Heather is working in the bookstore there, and she is one disenfranchised youth. There is some amazing attention to detail – all the books on the shelves were from that year. A woman buys a Fear Street book (The Wrong Number) and calls it trash!

While closing up, Heather is drinking an Orange Julius. Is Orange Julius still a thing? I don't think I've had one since 1994. She's sorta flirting with the guy from the costume shop. Ryan, I want to say? Let's go with Ryan because half the boys from the '90s were named Ryan. And he seems normal, except a spider is crawling on his neck, which is not normal at all.

Cue creepy music and building tension, and then Heather is chased down by a creep in a skull mask and a big fucking knife. Then … massacre. She pulls away his mask to unveil Ryan, who was her friend up to a few minutes ago.

The opening credits are insane and brilliant. I think I'm into this movie.

We go to angry Garbage playing while Deena scrawls out a hate note to someone named Sam. Oh my goodness, I'm getting Elisha Dushka vibes from her. Does anyone else immediately think "Faith"? Also, comment if you know what the hell I'm talking about.

Sheriff Nick Goode! The struggle between the Goodes and the Fiers (aka the Fears) is Fear Street canon! PLEASE tell me this is going to be the basis for the movies. So, Nick Goode is evil, right? Also, tell me he doesn't look like an older BJ Novak.*

*Double checks Nick Goode is not, in fact, BJ Novak doing some weird career thing. Discovers actor playing Nick Goode is younger than BJ Novak. Also younger than self.

Flash to Deena's younger brother, Josh, huddled over his computer on an AOL chatroom, going over the conspiracy theories of Shadyside's history of mass murders. Every fifteen years or so, there is another serial killer. Each of them is suspected of being possessed by the spirit of Sarah Fier, the one-handed witch … Ryan is only her newest victim.

Nirvana, Sophie B. Hawkins, this music is amazing. Have I kareoked to Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover? More times than I can remember.

Okay, so in school, the mass murder at the mall the night before, which included the horrific murder of one of their classmates, is treated as entertainment by the students of Shadyside High. Does no one care? Massacres are not fun? This is super disturbing. Deena's friends shove her into the bathroom, where they creepily recite a rhyme about Sarah Fier: 

She reaches from beyond the grave

To make good men her wicked slaves

She'll take your blood, she'll take your head

She'll follow you until you're dead

Simon, typical stoner, and Kate, overachieving drug dealer, think it's funny. But Deena reminds them that every Shadysider is cursed. Nobody gets out of the town.

That night is a football game between Shadyside and Sunnyvale. Ooh, Sunnyvale is the rich neighbouring town, where people are going places. Classic struggle between rich and poor. Sunnyvalers imply Shadysiders deserve to be murdered on the regular; Shadysiders threaten to share some of that murder around.

A full-scale riot during the candlelight vigil is underway when Deena spots a couple making out – a generic jock type with a cute blonde cheerleader. Is that Sam? He seems rather vanilla for Deena's obsessive teen angst, but you know. We were all there once.

Deena's moping outside the stands when Sam comes to find her, and … Sam is the cute cheerleader! I didn't see that coming. We've always said there was never an LGBTQ character in Fear Street, but the 2020s have finally updated the series! Also, I'm way more into this coupling, and it all makes sense. Deena calls out Sam for moving to Sunnyvale and pretending to be straight to get by in the world.

After the game, Sam's vapid boyfriend follows the Shadyside bus, honking and wearing a skull mask, which is super inappropriate. Sam looks extremely uncomfortable next to him. Deena goes berserk and starts to throw a water cooler out the back of the bus at them. Her nose starts bleeding, and the cooler is thrown of its own volition. The car goes off the road into the woods. 

Sam crawls from the car, bleeding and has creepy visions. Oh, man, is Sam going to be possessed? Everyone tries to help Sam, and she vomits blood everywhere. Things are not going well.

The next night, Deena and Josh are being stalked by a creep in a skull mask. Across the street, Kate and Simon are babysitting, and Kate uses her charges to count and baggie pills for her. I love her. I love that she uses My So-Called Life as a reward. Whatever happened to My So-Called Life, besides Jared Leto becoming a bit creepy? Is it streaming somewhere? I wonder how it held up … The problem with these fab '90s references is that I keep on falling down rabbit holes…

The Skull face creep is also stalking Kate and Simon and is smelling their laundry? This is weird. Everyone is on edge, and Kate brings the twins she's sitting over to the neighbour. This is, like, the first grown-up in the show. They decide to go to the hospital and confront Sam because it must be her boyfriend creeping them.

Kate, of course, has contacts at the hospital, as in, her supplier. But he gets them in to see Sam. Nerdy Josh is in love with Kate and impresses her with his drink machine hacking tricks.

Sam's boyfriend has been at the hospital the whole time. After some subtle oral sex entendres, boyfriend is knifed down by Skull Face. Chaos ensues. Are there no adults in this town? Zero adults is so classic Fear Street. Oh no, wait, they're all murdered. Our intrepid group steals an ambulance and goes to the Sheriff's Department.

Sheriff Nick Goode mocks them, then a constable throws them out with such a misogynistic insult I actually gasped: "Go find your boyfriends. Tell them you need to relax!" But, in the meantime, Deena stole his gun, so it's cool. Good police work, all around. And I'm convinced Nick Goode is Sheriff Motherfucking Evil.

At this point, the horror rackets up to a new level, as Simon finds a girl singing weirdly in a deserted street. Wtf is this terrifying girl. He just has enough time to process the ghoulish scars on her face before she goes after him with a switchblade. Holy shit. She has him down on the ground, about to slash his throat when Deena shoots her through the eye. Normal bitches don't bleed black blood. As they flee terrifying girl, she starts singing again as her eye regenerates.

Josh, who knows all the conspiracy theories, recognizes her as Ruby Lane, the Shadyside Killer 30 years ago. He explains about the repetitive mass murderers in Shadyside, how they are possessed by Sarah Fier. Now that they've seen for real that dead people are after them, the rest of the group are fast believers. They figure out that Sam disturbed the witch's grave when she bled all over the forest, so the witch is after her. Specifically, her blood, which they are all covered in thanks to last night's vomit fest. They unearth her body, and at that point, they realize all of her serial killers through the ages are coming for them.

Oh my god, now an axe-killer whose face is wrapped in burlap is after them. Holy shit. Everyone is going to die. They get to the ambulance, but for sure, everyone is going to die. Oh no, the dead serial killers just want Sam as the initial grave disturber. They set a trap, using Sam as bait, to get all the killers in one place.

They decontaminate from Sam's blood, and as they do so, they all have teenage sexy times. Kate doesn't want to be alone and asks Josh to inspect her for blood spatter; meanwhile, Deena and Sam have an intense makeout session. Also, Simon has one last hurrah with himself. The movies are much sexier than the Fear Street books ever were. Also, Deena and Sam have such heart. I want them to make it so badly!

So, they're in the school, and they set a trap to blow up the bad guys. And it works like a charm! After a horrifying chase scene, Sam crawls through a vent, trapping Skull Face, Ruby Lane, and Burlap Head in the bathroom, where they've built a bomb. And the three blow up with a screech. No time to celebrate, though; they immediately begin to regenerate in the most horrifying way possible. My nightmares thank you for that image.

Apparently, the dead serial killers aren't going to stop until Sam is dead. She bravely starts to sacrifice herself, but then Josh discovers that one person survived the last massacre … by dying, then being revived. They come up with a new plan. They also try to call the last survivor, but there is no answer.

Sheriff Nick Goode being shifty, writes someone a note that "it's happening again."

The new plan is they go to the grocery store, where they raid the pharmacy for pills. Kate and Simon have all the knowledge they need for what Sam needs to take to die, plus a gazillion EpiPens to come back to life. Then Sam starts swallowing. Only, they didn't give her any water? Why are they forcing her to dry swallow these horse pills? This is the most horrifying part of the movie.

Serial killers break up the party, and everyone scatters. There is a lingering shot on the meat slicer in the deli, and my stomach bottoms out. IN HIS BOOKS, R. L. Stine would write about really creative, gruesome deaths; see here. But they're not going to actually do that on film, are they?

Cue me with my hands tight to my eyes, screaming: NOOOOOOOO! Guys, they fucking went there. I knew it when the camera panned to a side shot of the meat slicer. You could see what someone looked like going in … and coming out. I fucking knew it. Good god, that is the most gruesome thing I've ever contemplated.

The stoner and the overachiever don't make it. Josh is about to be knifed, so Deena goes and drowns her girlfriend in the lobster tank. As soon as Sam dies, serial killers disappear. A sobbing Deena begs her brother for help as she stabs Sam over and over with EpiPens, trying to get her heart to start. She finally starts CPR, and Sam chokes and wakes up. Yay! Except for Kate and Simon, that's sad.

Deena and Sam agree they have to blame everything on Kate and Simon, even if it's actually tragic that two people who wanted so badly to get out of this cursed town were killed so epically. Deena makes an excellent speech about it. And Sam agrees she's going to come out and be Deena's girlfriend. They're cuddling that night when Deena gets a phone call – from the survivor of the last massacre. She tells her it's never over. That's when Sam stabs Deena …

Holy shit, guys, I thought this was too scary for me, but it turns out I have to know what happens. I give Fear Street: 1994 eight meat slicers out of nine. Stay tuned for the next recap …