Listen to: Old Town Road, by Little Nas X
Jack and Ronald are just two ordinary teens, complaining about how weird their parents are. They enter a curiosity shop where the guy behind the counter knows them and starts going off about a conspiracy theory on a race of aliens. The boys look at him like he’s insane and skedaddle.
Their parents are best friends and the two families do everything together. At a backyard barbecue, the parents just don’t get their kids, who find everything they do cringey. I found this whole scene hilarious because the things the parents were into that made them so out of touch included basically all things I love: solar panels, talking about saving money, what wood chips to use in the smoker, matching pyjamas and trying to talk like my kids. So, I am from Mars and I recognize that cringey look that comes over my kid's face when I say “no cap.” I’m dead.
The boys are groaning because the two families will soon be going on a camping trip, and they don’t want to be stuck with their lame parents. Oh, and the parents are having a “Games Night” that night, so the boys know to make themselves scarce.
Jack’s dad comes in to have a talk with him, and by that I mean “the talk” about changes to his body and how he can talk to him about anything. He says he loves him and is super supportive, while Jack is kind of a shit to him.
That night Jack and Ron are playing video games, moaning about what happened because they both had talks with their dads. They also both have weird rashes on their arms. But even worse, they have to go get something at the other house where the parents are. They are sneaking around because they don’t want to play games night, but then they see their parents in robes, performing some kind of cult ritual and levitating stuff. So, are they in a witch cult?
Boys go on a fact-finding mission and find weird robes and rocks in their closets. Jack’s dad nearly catches them, but acts normal. Or is he already suspicious?
They go to the paranoid guy at the curiosity shop, because he seems like a good person to get solid answers. He gives them the terrible news that their parents are aliens. The town is a hotbed. The aliens come and take parents, putting in replacements and waiting for their kids to mature. The rashes on their arms are signs that the boys are being prepped for extraction. He gives them tinfoil hats to protect their thoughts because if the aliens know they know, they’ll eat them right away. Nothing says subtle like a tinfoil hat. He also gives them what looks like old spaghetti sauce, saying that if their parent’s hair changes colour while suspended in that, then they are for sure aliens.
Both of their mom’s hair changes colour in the sludge, so they know they have to spy on another game night/alien cult fun times. Here they get definitive proof when Jack’s mom reaches for a chip – with her tentacle!
Knowing your parents are aliens but unable to tell them for fear of being eaten puts a kid in a difficult position, and they find themselves on a road trip in a van. Jack and Ron sit uncomfortably in the back with their tinfoil hats, while their parents awkwardly sing “Old Town Road,” and once again I am dying.
That night, the parents want the boys to join in on games night. They exchange wide-eyed looks, figuring that the parents know they know and now they are going to eat them. They tentatively start playing crazy eights, when Jack’s dad exclaims he forgot the knife. He grabs an enormous carving knife – when his wife chides him that it’s way too big for the cheese. He’s a cool dad though and cuts his brie with a carving knife.
Then someone does get crazy eight, and runs over to grab an axe. The boys make a break for it. They grab the car keys and hop into the van, running it straight into the camping cottage because they have no idea how to drive.
The parents haul the boys into the kitchen. The boys confront them with their knowledge – they know their aliens. Ronald hilariously moans why did you take my parents? They have terrible bodies. His parents get offended because they are aliens, but so are Jack and Ronald. They are just a happy pod of aliens, and the rashes on their arms show that their tentacles are ready to come up.
The parents are so loving and accepting as they show their children how cool being an alien is. Then their tentacles come in, and the boys think it’s pretty cool too. Then the van turns into a spaceship and they all jump in, heading towards the star they came from. Everyone is so happy. Down on earth, paranoid guy waves at them – with his tentacle because he’s an alien too! They really are everywhere.
We fade as the parents start singing Old Town Road again.
Um, this show was hilarious. What did we learn today? Accepting that you might be similar to your parents is okay, and maybe even a good thing, even if they seem like total aliens to you sometimes. This is a show I clearly need to watch with my own kids. I give it 5 out of 8 tinfoil hats.
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